I like! I think it could use a smaller page count and I think that can come from focusing in on the central premise, which is selling conservative-minded millenarianism to liberals, which is a great basis for a sketch.

My suggestion would be to take out anything that doesn't deal directly with that premise, and then go a little harder on the liberals! The whole thing could use a little more snark, in my opinion.

But it's funny. Just needs to be cut down to its best bits.

Title isn't centered

Well, I think to understand the concept and indeed believe it could work on its satiric, exaggerated level. Although, as is, the script doesn't fully deliver yet. Probably, the content could be shorter presented, with fewer characters, and more to the point. I personally see it in the short clip world, reduced to three or four punch lines, clever aimed at this hysteric end of world industry, and out. Nonetheless, solid stuff. Good concept.  

Okay, I like the log line. I mean, they’re even gonna let LIBERALS live?

In the first three pages I'm struggling to figure out where we're actually supposed to be. It's a bit confusing. Not sure what to suggest. Maybe we could be watching TV and then this commercial comes on. Then we go into the commercial? Not sure.

Laughed out loud at the Gummi Bears line.

An infomercial? Maybe a comedy sketch. Not sure it qualifies as a short in terms of, like, story, character development, thesis . . .

On another note . . . I'm seeing a number of "Title isn't centered" comments. If folks feel this is the case, could they clarify whether they mean horizontally or vertically? No, I didn't write this. Just curious because, apparently, these non-centered titles are supposed to be a problem.

Cute title. Decent logline.

The writing was good on this but the damn commercial VOs went on so long I wanted to take a shotgun and kill those guys. Sorry.

I laughed a couple times. It was not lol funny though.

I didn't really warm up to any characters in this.

What I did like was the original take on it...something different has a good feel. Kudos for that.

One big long infomercial with the use of the "pussy" word being thrown in for good measure

Not bad and at least you tried something different. It just kinda dragged on though and not really funny but that's my opinion.

Good job on entering

I liked this one a lot. It was exactly what it wanted to be and I laughed enough to justify the fact that it was just a skit. Could it be shorter? Sure, but it's a minor quibble. The only thing I'd look to is telling a story within the commercial. You abandon the first family and switch to another. Would've been better to keep it to just one needy family for consistencies sake. But again, seems like a minor quibble.

Survival First, Inc - Apocalypse, Comedy, Satire - With armageddon looming, two security professionals market a range of services to ensure everyone, no matter how liberal, gets a shot at survival in a post-apocalyptic world.  

Rating: 3
Thoughts: Okay, this one's kind of clever. Any idea that's either original or clever gets a high vote from me.


TITLE: Survival First Inc.

STORY

Concept is fresh/and or original - 4

Theme is well executed/interweaved - 3

Stakes are clear/conflict is strong and or compelling - 3

Story - 2

Ending - 4

CHARACTER/DIALOGUE

Protagonist(s) is (are) likable and/or compelling - 3

Dialogue reads naturally/believable within this story - 2

Dialogue reveals character -  1

READABILITY

Action text "shows" instead of "tells" - 3

Overall readability - 3

Total: 2.8

Thanks to all for reading and the notes - I hear you on the trimming, less is more with an idea like this.  I’ve a current draft at 7 pages, maybe less when said and done.

As to the humour I accepted it would be a hit or miss - not for everyone and that’s fair enough.  I saw it as more of cynical skit than laugh out loud.  It’s loosely based around a piece in the New Yorker about doomsday prepping for the wealthy.  There’s a growing industry in repurposing old military Cold War bunkers into million dollar luxury survival complexes (replete with armed guards) in case society collapses or nuclear war breaks out.  In some respects it’s not a million miles from the truth.

The formatting seems to have thrown a few people.  The idea was that it plays just as a tacky infomercial would - not seeing it on a T.V. - just characters within a scene breaking the fourth-wall to deliver their sales pitch.  Any thoughts/suggestions on how to tidy that up appreciated.  That or pointers towards scripts that deal with a similar formatting/subject..?

Thanks again for taking a look.