Hey Dan C, I think he died at the end. Anyone?

Good news: I liked it. A good emotional story. Bad news: Does not qualify, which is too bad.

Really good work though. If you tightened it up, it would make for an easier read.

5 - The girl occasionally doesn't sound her age to me, but I'm often a bad judge of that. "You must remember" and "I really hope...because I know..." stand out, for example.

8 - It'd be nice to get a sense of why Susan is such a hardass. She's just protecting herself emotionally, I gather? It's hard not to take her as a monster, on the page, for me -- she could use a sympathetic moment early on. She's distractingly nasty.

10 - Wait, the doctor was serious about confirmation? I thought he was just humouring the kid and giving her a moment longer because her mom's terrible. There is no way the doctor doesn't know the rules.

It's a good story, and nicely paced, though as I mentioned, that one beat with the doctor doesn't make sense.

I don't like playing Susan as an absolutely awful person. Kinda cheapens the story to have this person who's so villainous in every way. I'd find the story more affecting if Susan had a more complicated relationship to her former husband. Maybe she feels guilt at having driven him away and is cold because she can't stand the thought of what might have happened to him because of her own actions.

I'd be another vote for ditching the sci-fi elements and leaving it as a mystical, psychic-daughter kinda thing. The early sequence of him getting pulled off the street is extremely confusing.

This one is in the challenge but I had to go back and recheck if it was part of the OWC as I'm not sure how it relates to apocalypse. You said something about dementia at the beginning - people are dying of it one after another or something? I'll def come back to check out your explanation.
It grabbed me and kept me interested.
However I didn't enjoy the dialog at the beginning.

Frankly I don't understand the dementia angle at all. Maybe in the rewrite you could completely ditch it. Have the man in the car accident - that would be more dramatic.

Quoted Text BACK TO ALLEY:

Right idea, but wrong execution.

It should read

Quoted Text BACK TO SCENE

With your action on a separate line.

"destain"?? You mean something like Shout, 409, Resolve? It's "disdain."

I would have written out DNA as "D-N-A's on file." -- but it's no biggie.

Quoted Text INT. CITY CORRIDOR - DAY A busy corridor [hallway]. MEDICAL STAFF scurry about.

Is Claire the one drawing earlier?

Quoted Text DOCTOR Mrs[.] [Missus] Birch, welcome. Please come in.

Always spell out these kinds of abbreviations. This is for timing reasons. It might seem awkward, but just go along with it.

Is EDWARD'S ROOM a mini slug or a continuous scene? If not, then I would make it a full slug.

Quoted Text When Susan notices[,] she drags her back.

Huh??? Notices what? Oh, my bad. I got Claire and Susan mixed up.

It WAS Claire at the beginning. Five doorways. Foreshadowing?

"four years [a]go."

"Ok[ay], let's cut to it. Will he die?"

Missing commas.

If this is a flashback or fantasy sequence, label it as such in the slug.

Quoted Text SUSAN I told you, I've had enough of your weird talk [it]. You're just like your fah... God, I need a coffee,

Then again, I'm not sure about the coffee line. This dialogue needs serious tweaking.

Your intercut is close enough; I'll roll with it.

"Ok" should always be "okay." And you should offset "baby" with commas.

"Mummy"? Boris Karloff, Brendan Fraser, Steve Martin, King Tut? Or is the writer British?

Quoted Text CLAIRE I want to see you again, Daddy, but you're sick. You're in [the] hospital.

End of page 5 and no apocalypse (pre, mid, or post).

Some of the dialogue could be tightened up.

What??? They fired the guy because he was ill? Bastards.

No wonder Edward left the bitch.

How does a child even know what "next of kin" means? How does a child even know what "kin" means, period?

Edward's face melts? Literally?

Ugh! That vile bitch. All she wants to do is kill Edward.

EDWARD
That day...broke me.

We can see that.

"Ahead[,] a new doorway"

Who is Edward talking to? Himself?

Always offset names, addresses, titles and terms of endearment with commas.

Quoted Text CLAIRE But he's only got one more [to] do. SUSAN I told you, makes no sense.

Wow. Touching story, but the writing was somewhat sloppy (to be expected in a OWC). And it had nothing to do with the apocalypse.

I like your title and logline.

Out of the gate, this is very well written.

Love the first VO over the visual of them dragging Edward away. Good job.

UGH. Hiss. Grrrr. I HATE a sad ending. But I loved this one. Great job. One of my favorites. Written like I know the writing .... hmmm

Great job.

Apocalypse how?

Anyways, no doubt that’s been mentioned once or twice, but I read it so…

Storywise there’s something to be said for the core concept: Daughter trying to reach her comatose Father before uncaring (albeit a bit one dimensional) Mother pulls the plug.  The urgency is there as is the goal.  Can she do it in time?  A little bit miffed at the payoff - after all that he died?

The set-up suggests this coma is a result of some clandestine drug trail.  It’s gone wrong now the cold hearted company lawyer wants Edward off the books.  Interesting angle to lead with, that you never come back to it leaves it redundant and really just a source of distraction as we try to connect it to the main story.  Unless I’m missing something?

Again, there’s a sweet idea in here - the relationship between father and daughter - but it feels cluttered by unnecessary plots and a lack of understanding as to the ‘how’ between Father and Daughter’s otherworldly connection.

The Prophetic Angel - Apocalypse, Drama, YA - Trapped in a coma by a failed drug trial, but still able to hear, a homeless man's survival soon depends on the visions of the daughter he abandoned. 

Rating: 1
Thoughts: Again, not enough info.  The daughter he abandoned thing feels random.  It doesn't organically fit into the rest of the idea.


TITLE: Prophetic Angel

STORY

Concept is fresh/and or original - 3

Theme is well executed/interweaved - 3

Stakes are clear/conflict is strong and or compelling - 3

Story - 1

Ending - 1

CHARACTER/DIALOGUE

Protagonist(s) is (are) likable and/or compelling - 2

Dialogue reads naturally/believable within this story - 2

Dialogue reveals character -  1

READABILITY

Action text "shows" instead of "tells" - 2

Overall readability - 3

Total: 2.1

Hi Folks

I think i should have called this....

The Inner Apocalypse or The Patient apocalypse etc  

In others words make the concept behind this clearer, namely the end of a deeply personal world. The world is ending, for a patent trapped in a coma.

However, i knew when i entered this I knew it wasn't going to be well received in terms of the generalise view of the apocalypse, so no complaints from me, i expected that. I suppose i just hoped someone  would pick up the end of life/world etc

I accept the observations this had a bit too much. The reason being is that i had a feature in my mind.

The concept is;

1] homeless man runs away because no one ever listens - he blocks out life

2] company comes up with dementia  pill and forces him to take part (i.e. he's given the pill to look for side effects)

3] the haunting memories he has of leaving etc (these could change) causes him to flip out and hide in a coma

4] being a special medicine it leaves able to hear but not to talk, move, see etc

5] His spiritual daughter can see him, knows he's alive

6] he then embarks on an inner journey, on her guidance, with a view to seeing his daughter again - make good on his leaving

7] but time is against them - the rest of the world wants his machine switched off

8] he doesn't live - but get the change to see his daughter and say he loves her

as you can see a few details to iron out, but i quite liked the concept.

visually the journey within could be quite intriguing/dreamy etc

thanks for the all reads.

ta

bill

Now that you can chuck aside the apocalypse (and I'd advise the medical trial hits the bin as well) and focus on the rest of the story, this could be quite brilliant. I do encourage you to keep on developing this concept.

Quoted from MarkRenshaw Now that you can chuck aside the apocalypse (and I'd advise the medical trial hits the bin as well) and focus on the rest of the story, this could be quite brilliant. I do encourage you to keep on developing this concept.

Thanks Mark

I don't write much these days but I may spend a few hours seeing if I could make this work

Re the drug trial I fancy keeping this in the mix at the mo, as it could throw up some weird dream potential and add tension/ conflict - time will tell.

Ta

Quoted from Reef Dreamer Re the drug trial I fancy keeping this in the mix at the mo, as it could throw up some weird dream potential and add tension/ conflict - time will tell. Ta

Hey Bill,

I agree with Mark here completely. Just recognize that fact in context that you must know I probably had the most sympathies for your entry + understanding.

The problem is that this (spiritual) specific connection between father and daughter needs reasoning, right?

The possibility to make it happen through medication is wrong imo. It's just too off and absurd to move an audience. On the other side, you also cannot explain us a generic spiritual principle as "God made it" etc. … cause we all have our firm opinion about this topic already.

So, IMO, you'd find the reason in creating/inventing a 3rd sight on things. A new angle, that says, people got a connection toward each other that is bigger than laws of nature. You don't even need to have a position here that represents monotheism and such like… better just serve another sight on existence -- sth. like: dark matter can transport feelings and communication between loved ones. << This is a stupid example that just should show you the philosophy, and how I think you can tackle that whole issue properly. Also, look at "Avatar" as a pattern -- the tree is connected to everyone... ! Build such an individual scenario; it just needs a set-up and establishing. A lot of work of course.

Point is: the medicine angle has no heart -- realize that we all don't know what's going on here. There's something bigger that decides, and, for sure, let it be coincidence, everybody has her/his opinion about that.

Anyway, a truly great entry.

All the best
Alex

Thanks Alex - your feedback is appreciated.

I agree that the medicine angle should not be the connection between them. I feel I need to make them both spiritual in some way, a bond that is rediscovered between father and child. Hence the ability to communicate, although how needs some development.

The reason I think the medicine may still work is that I want him to fall into the coma for a reason. That reason, I think, could be the shock of having been 'forced' to remember by the 'new' dementia drug, against his will. When people are over loaded they can shut down - which he does. His daughter then helps him free himself of the overload leading to whatever ending occurs.

My biggest problems as I see it are;

1] he needs a dynamic journey in the main part of the film, hurdles to over come.

2] the character of the man - is he sensitive and wanting to engage, or still trapped in hideaway mode, or horrible who has to learn kindness etc

3] what genre - if I write a feature I want to be in a genre that interests viewers - this has to be engaging, active and dynamic. But how

Initally he is a sensitive person, overloaded by events, who now wants to come back. I still haven't quite figured him out.

Anyway I will have a think to see if I can unlock these