The Prophetic Angel by A Little Fluffy Cloud - Short, Apocalypse, Drama, YA - Trapped in a coma by a failed drug trial, but still able to hear, a homeless man's survival soon depends on the visions of the daughter he abandoned. 13 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

1st of the bunch, and as I said, I aim to read each and every entry from page 1 to page 12...or however long they go, assuming they don't go more than 12 pages.

Out of the gate, I have to say I feel like this is trying too hard, and because of that, it's quickly a difficult read.

The INSERT here is extremely awkward and out of place.

The CEO's dialogue is poor and full of mistakes - missing multiple commas, but the biggest, is obviously "suffers", which I have to assume should be "sufferers".

The INSERT and BACK TO isn't correct as written, either, and page 1 would normally lead me to jump ship, but, hey...what did I say?  I'm in, brother or sister!

OK, damn...I'm gonna stay in, but I may have to stop commenting, but I will...I HAVE to say a few things - you've got characters here that speak many lines and you name them "Doctor" and "Lawyer"?  Very bad move....actually, terrible move!

"destain"?  WTF?  AM I missing something here?  What is this supposed to mean?

Page 4 - WTF?  Totally lost...

OK...I read it all...and I have basically no clue what was going on, see absolutely no attempt at the challenge of something/anything involving an apocalypse of any kind, unless I totally missed something or everything.

Incredibly hard to get through.  Incredibly hard to understand.  Incredibly hard to read.

No way for me, sorry to say.  I won't be grading this one, but thanks for entering.

Hi writer,

With the help of his psychic daughter, a man overcomes the confines of dementia. Love, apparently, conquers all and, will always transcend time and space for those who seek its guiding power. Heart warming tale, I really enjoyed this one.

Some of the flashbacks forced me to do a double read but, at only 12 pages I don’t really mind investing a few more minutes to determine what the author was going for. It’s always assumed a person would wander in a vast environment whilst between worlds and, that works for me, however, if a person is lost to their own internal suffrage, then, confined spaces would be better suited IMO. Perhaps he (Edward) is in a dark, cavernous dwelling, feeling claustrophobic and lost within a matrix of emotional torment.

Claire is his guide, medium to find his way out of that matrix and into the beautiful field under a vast blue sky. Then, there would be no need for Edward to make an appearance, as some ominous specter within the final scene; he could merely transmit his thoughts and feelings to Claire of finally being released from the clutches from the underworld of dementia. Perhaps these cavernous tunnels, (catacomb of dead brain matter) could represent a maze of neurological pathways within Edward’s corporeal structure; he’s lost within them and cannot properly ignite a Synapses within his brain to function, thus… Claire guides him through the darkness of a failing mind. All just opinion of course.

Great tale but, I’m not feeling the Apocalyptic vibe anywhere. Unless you were painting some type of visual indicating society is engulfed in a pandemic of dementia? Well written with a clear set of visuals kept me going till the end. Best of luck!

Hey writer,

It's very well written and exceptionally well crafted. It really drew emotions out of myself, warmth, love, panic, hate, all in there and all very real. Writing style and pacing was bang on for myself, the ramping up of the pace towards the end, before the handbrake basically comes on, really well done.

Now, all of the above being said, I'm really sad to have to rule it out due to the lack of an apparent apocalypse. It kills me but there we go! Exceptionally well done, this could easily find life outside this challenge, but alas it won't win it for myself.

Cam

it's part of the scoring, so i have to say... i don't like this title, and the logline doesn't make sense - Trapped in a coma by a failed drug trial - what does that mean?

Not feeling very apocalyptic so far...

I like the way you are doing the hearing scenes - putting the character in an actual place with the voices off screen.  i'm sure it's been done before but it's still a clever device.

"Just like my deaf grandma..."  eh, i have a feeling I'm not gonna like this development, and the way it's just flat said is iffy... but i can't offer a better way to do it so I'll shut up.

I have a real pet peeve ...  every single time I read a script with a little boy/girl character, every single line of their dialogue has "mommy" or "daddy" in it. Now, I know that's supposed to ring authentic and that's probably how all little kids talk, it just gets repetitive and annoying.  And i doubt a kid this age, who constantly says "daddy" would also say "wait, aren't I next of kin as well?"

how was this apocalyptic?  i think there was some cool stuff in there, but how does it qualify?  it's a story about death, but not the apocalypse.

This one shows a lot of promise outside of this OWC but it is all over the place at the moment.

There’s no apocalypse for a start but putting that aside, you can lose the first 2 pages easily. They are confusing and not essential to the plot. We don’t need to know that he’s in a coma due to some failed drug trial, this has no bearing on the story. He’s in a coma, start with that and maybe add an explanation as you go along.

What makes this interesting is the interaction between the outside world, his daughters actions, and the unconscious world he’s trapped in. This is where the meat of the story is and it’s very good. The doors bit reminds me of Stephen King's Dark Tower but it is different enough to stand apart.

I didn’t buy for one second the Doctor would be delayed by the little girl saying she’s next of kin as well, there’s only one next of kin and that’s the adult. You need to come up with another reason to delay the execution.

For a one week challenge this is a very promising start but needs a lot of work in my opinion.

-Mark

I think with some work this could make for a very effective drama that really tugs on the heart strings... but...

I think it could be shortened and tightened, I had to re-read sequences a couple of times to double check where I was.

And there's nothing apocalyptic here, so would have to rule out on those grounds.

So there are people being grabbed off the streets for a drug trial. Edward is a “Control Sample”. To me that would mean that he didn’t get the drug. So Edward is in a coma from a drug he didn’t take.  Then the psychic conversation with his daughter begins . . .
Am I getting this right?
Looks like there are folks here who feel this is a good start. So, that's nice.
I'm afraid I can't get through it.
Best of luck.

As I read on I became unsure whether the prologue was really necessary.

I like that you've given Edward a specific goal of having to get through doorways, but it still seemed unclear exactly what was expected to happen when he got through them.

"DOCTOR
I’m sorry Mrs Birch, I will need to
ask legals for guidance"

Is he really unclear about whether or not he has to respect the medical decisions of a ten-year old? I know this was to give Claire more time, but it's not convincing.

I don't think the dementia treatment angle added much. How does it explain the connection between Edward and Claire? I'd also be interested to hear the rationale for how this is an apocalypse story. For the time being, I'm not seeing it.

Not sure how this is apocalyptic in any way at all.

That said the writing is very very good. The script flows, but the story does not. It seems we spend too much time in the cornfield talking back and forth between Edward and Claire. It's a lot of pages I think could be cut down. A lot just turns in exposition, like a giant flashback and parts work, others not so much.

Also, how does the experimental drug mentioned at the beginning have anything to do with the rest of the story? This could just be a regular guy in a regular hospital and things wouldn't change much at all.

Again, this is quite well written and just needs some tweaks to the story to make it stronger. Very strong imagery.

Too bad it has little to do with the contest theme.

So it's not in line with the contest theme, but it is nicely drawn, rich visuals, a "Gladiator" feel where he's walking through the wheat as he dies. I was almost expecting a different ending, but I'm glad you left it as you did.

Nice work here - maybe resubmit it as a drama short on the regular board to get more views and reviews.

Best of luck,
Gary

EXT. CORNFIELD - CLEARING – DAY <- as I understand it regarding your script, this is a specific kind of VISION scene. There are different ways to handle those. You definitely should do some research because it, imo, must be marked properly when we enter this sphere. It also must be spoken out clearly if his hospital bed is standing in the middle of the clearing. Show what's going on exactly? So that I don't have to interpret, rather can follow the flow without any hiccups.

Otherwise, I like what you're doing.

Btw: with the intercut and other later formatting, you show a much better handling and control. Well done there. Only the first step into this otherworld is where you need to help us a bit more I feel. It's difficult, I understand that.

"DOCTOR
Well, perhaps. I’m not sure."

This part is unbelievable and feels constructed. Also it's hard to believe how Susan confronts her daughter in front of her dying father.

It needs a rewrite for sure but this is my kind of story. Kept me invested in a way that I even forgot till the end that you almost completely missed the topic here. Lots of heart and sensitivity. A fanciful world within an imaginative storyline.

First of all, for the potential rewrite, I'd suggest to leave out that whole futuristic drug/dementia part. As written now, this SF-angle from the introduction soon feels out of place in the proceeding of the story.

Very well done. It's a huge picture to me, with a strong emotional impression, so I have a lot of understanding this script needs a second go and more time. Thumbs up from my side.

Writer,

Ehh!! No apocalypse in sight = failed the challenge. Just a mention of the apocalypse isn't good enough. It needs to drive the story, at least a little. But...

I actually liked this for what it was. It seemed you had a bittersweet vision, and you had decent pacing. However, I get a feeling you're a new writer without a ton of experience, yet you attempted a heartfelt story that had a lot going for it. Don't trash this one. Work on it some more. Good effort!

Steve

Sorry, but, I agree with everyone else and can't add anything here.  It wasn't apocalyptic in any way.  That was the crux of the challenge.

I knew he'd live at the end.  I just didn't buy the drama of it.

Sorry again
Dan

A lack of Apocalypse in an Apocalypse challenge...Not a good show.

The script itself as stand alone is pretty decent and maybe you might want to redraft it and post it later.

Good writing, nice story just not for this challenge

Hey Dan C, I think he died at the end. Anyone?

Good news: I liked it. A good emotional story. Bad news: Does not qualify, which is too bad.

Really good work though. If you tightened it up, it would make for an easier read.

5 - The girl occasionally doesn't sound her age to me, but I'm often a bad judge of that. "You must remember" and "I really hope...because I know..." stand out, for example.

8 - It'd be nice to get a sense of why Susan is such a hardass. She's just protecting herself emotionally, I gather? It's hard not to take her as a monster, on the page, for me -- she could use a sympathetic moment early on. She's distractingly nasty.

10 - Wait, the doctor was serious about confirmation? I thought he was just humouring the kid and giving her a moment longer because her mom's terrible. There is no way the doctor doesn't know the rules.

It's a good story, and nicely paced, though as I mentioned, that one beat with the doctor doesn't make sense.

I don't like playing Susan as an absolutely awful person. Kinda cheapens the story to have this person who's so villainous in every way. I'd find the story more affecting if Susan had a more complicated relationship to her former husband. Maybe she feels guilt at having driven him away and is cold because she can't stand the thought of what might have happened to him because of her own actions.

I'd be another vote for ditching the sci-fi elements and leaving it as a mystical, psychic-daughter kinda thing. The early sequence of him getting pulled off the street is extremely confusing.

This one is in the challenge but I had to go back and recheck if it was part of the OWC as I'm not sure how it relates to apocalypse. You said something about dementia at the beginning - people are dying of it one after another or something? I'll def come back to check out your explanation.
It grabbed me and kept me interested.
However I didn't enjoy the dialog at the beginning.

Frankly I don't understand the dementia angle at all. Maybe in the rewrite you could completely ditch it. Have the man in the car accident - that would be more dramatic.

Quoted Text BACK TO ALLEY:

Right idea, but wrong execution.

It should read

Quoted Text BACK TO SCENE

With your action on a separate line.

"destain"?? You mean something like Shout, 409, Resolve? It's "disdain."

I would have written out DNA as "D-N-A's on file." -- but it's no biggie.

Quoted Text INT. CITY CORRIDOR - DAY A busy corridor [hallway]. MEDICAL STAFF scurry about.

Is Claire the one drawing earlier?

Quoted Text DOCTOR Mrs[.] [Missus] Birch, welcome. Please come in.

Always spell out these kinds of abbreviations. This is for timing reasons. It might seem awkward, but just go along with it.

Is EDWARD'S ROOM a mini slug or a continuous scene? If not, then I would make it a full slug.

Quoted Text When Susan notices[,] she drags her back.

Huh??? Notices what? Oh, my bad. I got Claire and Susan mixed up.

It WAS Claire at the beginning. Five doorways. Foreshadowing?

"four years [a]go."

"Ok[ay], let's cut to it. Will he die?"

Missing commas.

If this is a flashback or fantasy sequence, label it as such in the slug.

Quoted Text SUSAN I told you, I've had enough of your weird talk [it]. You're just like your fah... God, I need a coffee,

Then again, I'm not sure about the coffee line. This dialogue needs serious tweaking.

Your intercut is close enough; I'll roll with it.

"Ok" should always be "okay." And you should offset "baby" with commas.

"Mummy"? Boris Karloff, Brendan Fraser, Steve Martin, King Tut? Or is the writer British?

Quoted Text CLAIRE I want to see you again, Daddy, but you're sick. You're in [the] hospital.

End of page 5 and no apocalypse (pre, mid, or post).

Some of the dialogue could be tightened up.

What??? They fired the guy because he was ill? Bastards.

No wonder Edward left the bitch.

How does a child even know what "next of kin" means? How does a child even know what "kin" means, period?

Edward's face melts? Literally?

Ugh! That vile bitch. All she wants to do is kill Edward.

EDWARD
That day...broke me.

We can see that.

"Ahead[,] a new doorway"

Who is Edward talking to? Himself?

Always offset names, addresses, titles and terms of endearment with commas.

Quoted Text CLAIRE But he's only got one more [to] do. SUSAN I told you, makes no sense.

Wow. Touching story, but the writing was somewhat sloppy (to be expected in a OWC). And it had nothing to do with the apocalypse.

I like your title and logline.

Out of the gate, this is very well written.

Love the first VO over the visual of them dragging Edward away. Good job.

UGH. Hiss. Grrrr. I HATE a sad ending. But I loved this one. Great job. One of my favorites. Written like I know the writing .... hmmm

Great job.

Apocalypse how?

Anyways, no doubt that’s been mentioned once or twice, but I read it so…

Storywise there’s something to be said for the core concept: Daughter trying to reach her comatose Father before uncaring (albeit a bit one dimensional) Mother pulls the plug.  The urgency is there as is the goal.  Can she do it in time?  A little bit miffed at the payoff - after all that he died?

The set-up suggests this coma is a result of some clandestine drug trail.  It’s gone wrong now the cold hearted company lawyer wants Edward off the books.  Interesting angle to lead with, that you never come back to it leaves it redundant and really just a source of distraction as we try to connect it to the main story.  Unless I’m missing something?

Again, there’s a sweet idea in here - the relationship between father and daughter - but it feels cluttered by unnecessary plots and a lack of understanding as to the ‘how’ between Father and Daughter’s otherworldly connection.

The Prophetic Angel - Apocalypse, Drama, YA - Trapped in a coma by a failed drug trial, but still able to hear, a homeless man's survival soon depends on the visions of the daughter he abandoned. 

Rating: 1
Thoughts: Again, not enough info.  The daughter he abandoned thing feels random.  It doesn't organically fit into the rest of the idea.


TITLE: Prophetic Angel

STORY

Concept is fresh/and or original - 3

Theme is well executed/interweaved - 3

Stakes are clear/conflict is strong and or compelling - 3

Story - 1

Ending - 1

CHARACTER/DIALOGUE

Protagonist(s) is (are) likable and/or compelling - 2

Dialogue reads naturally/believable within this story - 2

Dialogue reveals character -  1

READABILITY

Action text "shows" instead of "tells" - 2

Overall readability - 3

Total: 2.1

Hi Folks

I think i should have called this....

The Inner Apocalypse or The Patient apocalypse etc  

In others words make the concept behind this clearer, namely the end of a deeply personal world. The world is ending, for a patent trapped in a coma.

However, i knew when i entered this I knew it wasn't going to be well received in terms of the generalise view of the apocalypse, so no complaints from me, i expected that. I suppose i just hoped someone  would pick up the end of life/world etc

I accept the observations this had a bit too much. The reason being is that i had a feature in my mind.

The concept is;

1] homeless man runs away because no one ever listens - he blocks out life

2] company comes up with dementia  pill and forces him to take part (i.e. he's given the pill to look for side effects)

3] the haunting memories he has of leaving etc (these could change) causes him to flip out and hide in a coma

4] being a special medicine it leaves able to hear but not to talk, move, see etc

5] His spiritual daughter can see him, knows he's alive

6] he then embarks on an inner journey, on her guidance, with a view to seeing his daughter again - make good on his leaving

7] but time is against them - the rest of the world wants his machine switched off

8] he doesn't live - but get the change to see his daughter and say he loves her

as you can see a few details to iron out, but i quite liked the concept.

visually the journey within could be quite intriguing/dreamy etc

thanks for the all reads.

ta

bill

Now that you can chuck aside the apocalypse (and I'd advise the medical trial hits the bin as well) and focus on the rest of the story, this could be quite brilliant. I do encourage you to keep on developing this concept.

Quoted from MarkRenshaw Now that you can chuck aside the apocalypse (and I'd advise the medical trial hits the bin as well) and focus on the rest of the story, this could be quite brilliant. I do encourage you to keep on developing this concept.

Thanks Mark

I don't write much these days but I may spend a few hours seeing if I could make this work

Re the drug trial I fancy keeping this in the mix at the mo, as it could throw up some weird dream potential and add tension/ conflict - time will tell.

Ta

Quoted from Reef Dreamer Re the drug trial I fancy keeping this in the mix at the mo, as it could throw up some weird dream potential and add tension/ conflict - time will tell. Ta

Hey Bill,

I agree with Mark here completely. Just recognize that fact in context that you must know I probably had the most sympathies for your entry + understanding.

The problem is that this (spiritual) specific connection between father and daughter needs reasoning, right?

The possibility to make it happen through medication is wrong imo. It's just too off and absurd to move an audience. On the other side, you also cannot explain us a generic spiritual principle as "God made it" etc. … cause we all have our firm opinion about this topic already.

So, IMO, you'd find the reason in creating/inventing a 3rd sight on things. A new angle, that says, people got a connection toward each other that is bigger than laws of nature. You don't even need to have a position here that represents monotheism and such like… better just serve another sight on existence -- sth. like: dark matter can transport feelings and communication between loved ones. << This is a stupid example that just should show you the philosophy, and how I think you can tackle that whole issue properly. Also, look at "Avatar" as a pattern -- the tree is connected to everyone... ! Build such an individual scenario; it just needs a set-up and establishing. A lot of work of course.

Point is: the medicine angle has no heart -- realize that we all don't know what's going on here. There's something bigger that decides, and, for sure, let it be coincidence, everybody has her/his opinion about that.

Anyway, a truly great entry.

All the best
Alex

Thanks Alex - your feedback is appreciated.

I agree that the medicine angle should not be the connection between them. I feel I need to make them both spiritual in some way, a bond that is rediscovered between father and child. Hence the ability to communicate, although how needs some development.

The reason I think the medicine may still work is that I want him to fall into the coma for a reason. That reason, I think, could be the shock of having been 'forced' to remember by the 'new' dementia drug, against his will. When people are over loaded they can shut down - which he does. His daughter then helps him free himself of the overload leading to whatever ending occurs.

My biggest problems as I see it are;

1] he needs a dynamic journey in the main part of the film, hurdles to over come.

2] the character of the man - is he sensitive and wanting to engage, or still trapped in hideaway mode, or horrible who has to learn kindness etc

3] what genre - if I write a feature I want to be in a genre that interests viewers - this has to be engaging, active and dynamic. But how

Initally he is a sensitive person, overloaded by events, who now wants to come back. I still haven't quite figured him out.

Anyway I will have a think to see if I can unlock these