SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 29th, 2024, 7:30am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    April 2017 OWC  ›  Lost Apocrypha - OWC Moderators: Grandma Bear
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2, 3 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Lost Apocrypha - OWC  (currently 3085 views)
Don
Posted: April 21st, 2017, 11:22pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
Lost Apocrypha by My Name Here - Short, Apocalypse, Horror - The Roanoke Colony wasn't lost, it was recalled. 9 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
Cameron
Posted: April 22nd, 2017, 5:06am Report to Moderator
Guest User



Hey Writer,

It's well written, dramatic and there's definitely a fairly major reference to the apocalypse there. I'm not going to lie, this kinda old worldly magic/theological stuff isn't really my bag, and so it wasn't really for myself.

Now, that's my opinions and taste, and by no means a slant at your work. Some people will really like this, I reckon, and I can't deny that it is well written and constructed. You've done a really good job on the visuals and it reads well.

You've built a good short here, it's just not really my taste.

Cam
Logged
e-mail Reply: 1 - 30
Zack
Posted: April 22nd, 2017, 12:48pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Erlanger, KY
Posts
4487
Posts Per Day
0.69
Well this one was pretty cool. Pretty fuckin' weird, but I like weird.

Really interesting tale. Not sure I fully understood what was happening, but I definitely appreciated the wild imagery you provided. Some really cool action, I really liked when all the beasts came out of the church. Would work really well on screen.

Very well written for the most part. I never got bored and was able to read straight through, so kudos there.

I actually liked the ending a lot. Tied it all together with the myth of the Roanoke Colony. Creepy stuff.

Really like your logline, but I'm not too sure about the title.

~Zack~
Logged
Private Message Reply: 2 - 30
stevie
Posted: April 22nd, 2017, 6:55pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Down Under
Posts
3441
Posts Per Day
0.61
I like when perps use historical stuff in their scripts especially when the research is good.

This started pretty well and was cruising along. Things went full on near the end. The period dialogue and setting was done well. The ending was a bit jumbled and perhaps hurried.  Pretty good work for this OWC.

One point: not sure how Lilith could be described as being 'vivacious' when she has 'beady bloodshot eyes' at 20 years of age lol!



Logged
Private Message Reply: 3 - 30
Ryan1
Posted: April 22nd, 2017, 7:10pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1098
Posts Per Day
0.22
An interesting take on the fate of the Roanoke colony.  Original setting, good period detail and dialogue that seemed mostly true to the period.  

I think more tension could have been milked from the group transformation scene.  It may have been more effective to reveal that secret all at once, rather than Rebecca only transforming first.  Kinda blew the big reveal there.

Could've done without the dialogue between Dark Lord and Powhattan.  Seems like the Indians would be way more terrified if they saw something like that.

Title is unusual, but strangely fitting here.  Overall, a good job.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 30
Michael
Posted: April 22nd, 2017, 8:18pm Report to Moderator
New


Hi to all, it's great to be here.

Location
Virginia
Posts
68
Posts Per Day
0.03
Well written.  Just seemed to die at the end. (no pun intended) The beasts die too easy.  The end was not so great.

Good job though
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 30
Nomad
Posted: April 22nd, 2017, 9:31pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
721
Posts Per Day
0.15
It started so well then it took a left at Whatthefuck town.

The dialogue was great up until "It is time, Rebecca.  Reveal your true self."

After that it was expositional and lost its flair.

I'm not sure why the indigenous people always sound like, "Howgh, white man.  Me Chief Talkumstrange.  Me talk um...strange for no reason."

The Dark Lord at the end seemed like a Deus Ex Machina, literally and figuratively.  He came out of left field and just wrapped the story up in a nice bow.  Short on time?  Write yourself into a corner?  Who knows.

Jordan


Read my scripts here:
SOCIAL EXPERIMENT 8pg-Drama
THE BRIDGE 8pg-Horror
SCHEISSE 6pg-Horror/Comedy
MADE FOR EACH OTHER-FILMED

Revision History (1 edits)
Nomad  -  April 22nd, 2017, 10:39pm
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 30
DanC
Posted: April 23rd, 2017, 1:27am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Killing villains since 1980!

Location
Buffalo NY
Posts
1131
Posts Per Day
0.34
I disagree with Jordan.  I don't think the Dark one

SPOILERS

I don't think the Dark One comes out of left field at all.  They pray to him, invoke him, discuss how to appease him.  So, only by pissing him off does he appear....

I wish you hadn't made him "devil-like" but, instead made him more Cthulu-like.  Or some other version of ancient text that's forgotten, or denied by the church.  

I wonder if Dena wrote this?  It has that flare that her last story had.  All I can say, is if Dena did write this, I could easily see this getting made into a movie.

Best one I've read so far.  

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 30
khamanna
Posted: April 23rd, 2017, 10:25am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
4194
Posts Per Day
0.79
Hi, writer

That's a very interesting short, a lot of imagination went in there. Nice imagery, I liked it.
And I liked the story.

When Dark Lord appeared it changed into comedy to me. He smacks Stryker there - I dont' know. Maybe it's the way it's written.

I'm actually thinking you might squeeze more out of the idea, single out someone in the group of badies and make him their enemy or something. Otherwise it's a story of a bad group and that makes me care less.

I'm thinking you could cut some of the talk at the beginning. Readers are not atttentive at the beginning and you conveyed a lot of info to us through his talk right away. I think you might do it later when we are eager to know what happens to Rebecca and all. Rebecca's fate got me interested, her father should revenge, I tihnk.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 30
Gum
Posted: April 23rd, 2017, 12:11pm Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
Some travelling Circus...
Posts
832
Posts Per Day
0.42
Hi writer,

Great concept on the theme, you nailed the atmosphere and flavour of the times. I feel this was based loosely on the ‘Before Apocalypse” concept, meaning none actually took place; quelled by the Dark Lord himself.

None the less, a well contained short for the theme at hand. Not familiar with the ‘The Roanoke Colony’, if it was a real colony or nor but, I like how you’ve dressed this flock of demonic beings in sheep’s clothing and, used the commonwealth of the church to harbour their lair. Well drawn out idea that made for a good read. Well done. All the best.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 9 - 30
DanC
Posted: April 23rd, 2017, 12:28pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Killing villains since 1980!

Location
Buffalo NY
Posts
1131
Posts Per Day
0.34

Quoted from Gum
Hi writer,

Great concept on the theme, you nailed the atmosphere and flavour of the times. I feel this was based loosely on the ‘Before Apocalypse” concept, meaning none actually took place; quelled by the Dark Lord himself.

None the less, a well contained short for the theme at hand. Not familiar with the ‘The Roanoke Colony’, if it was a real colony or nor but, I like how you’ve dressed this flock of demonic beings in sheep’s clothing and, used the commonwealth of the church to harbour their lair. Well drawn out idea that made for a good read. Well done. All the best.


As far as I know, they were a real colony that just vanished one night.  And I think they found one word etched on a tree which was Croatia.  No one knows what happened to them or what the word means.


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 10 - 30
Ryan1
Posted: April 23rd, 2017, 1:58pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1098
Posts Per Day
0.22

Quoted from DanC


As far as I know, they were a real colony that just vanished one night.  And I think they found one word etched on a tree which was Croatia.  No one knows what happened to them or what the word means.


If my history is correct, a resupply ship arrived at Roanoke Island to find the colony abandoned.  "CROATOAN" was carved into a fence post.  That's the name of a nearby island but also the name of a local Indian tribe.  No one knows for certain what became of the colonists, but the most common theory was that they simply left for a better location or were slaughtered by the Indians.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 11 - 30
AnthonyCawood
Posted: April 23rd, 2017, 6:59pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
UK
Posts
4319
Posts Per Day
1.14
I liked the period detail in this and wondered where it was going... but I was hoping for something else... the move into demonology just didn't fly for me...

Well written though and a fun spin on the challenge.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 12 - 30
Wes
Posted: April 23rd, 2017, 7:22pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Oakland, CA 94602
Posts
164
Posts Per Day
0.05
I think this works very well.  Flows smoothly. Has a couple of nice twists.
I did think Stryker was a bit wordy at the beginning but we got through the exposition pretty quickly and efficiently.
Very nice work.
This is one of my top two


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 13 - 30
PrussianMosby
Posted: April 24th, 2017, 1:35pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Posts
1399
Posts Per Day
0.37
Here, I simply couldn't identify with the story. I'm sorry for that - it just wasn't my topic. The huge amount of characters and their whole mystic church talk left me cold. Don't take it personal, my critique here is merely based on what stories I like. The script is well executed and its presentation is absolutely tidy. I just couldn't connect to the plot.



Logged
Private Message Reply: 14 - 30
 Pages: 1, 2, 3 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    April 2017 OWC  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006