I think the intro needs some attention, it's overly descriptive and some of the dialogue seems both OTN and not what a father would say to a 10 year old...

However, I immediately get a sense that there's something wrong here and that Danny is in danger.

Agree re the Ravonettes thing, never heard of them or the song, so that bits not working for me...

But after the third page it's hooked me and dragged me in, need to know what's happened and if the apocalype is anything more than a figment ...

Nice ending, worked well... though some earlier reference to astronomy or something might help.

Good job.

The Raveonettes?  WTF?

"stairs" - Nope..."stares"

Why do we have all this attention to what these 2 are wearing, hair color, eye color?  Well, let's see if there's a reason.

Dialogue is pretty good and you've set this tale in motion nicely.  Let's see where we're gonna go now.

More Raveonettes and lyrics as well.  I do not like that at all.

The Slug of "RUSTIC LAKESIDE CABIN" doesn't read well, and the following Slug with the "/" is incorrect - should be a "-".

Next Slug wrong as well - lose the "/".

"There's" - "There are"

Uhhh, OK< there's the clothing you meticulously mentioned early on.  Make sense now.

No reason not to name this "owner" - sounds really dumb the way you have it.

If you're going to BOLD your Slugs, you need to bold all of them, including Mini's.

"moments" - "moment's"

Well done...very well done!  Touching, moving, poignant, real, heartfelt...and most importantly, memorable.

Needs some work in cleaning it up here and there, but when something hits this hard, is so well put together, these little technical things don't really matter all that much.

You nailed it here and I applaud you for that.  Score - 4.5. Great job!

This is pretty solid all around, except for the small issue of the early dialogue that others have mentioned.

I get the father-son parallel that happens with the cabin owner. At the same time, my immediate reaction is that I wanted it to be a cop showing up -- something that would really force the kid to choose who to shoot, rather than making it seemingly a largely unthinking action. Another thought would be a big, strong cabin owner, maybe with a knife -- someone who poses a threat to the dad, is what I'm getting at. I like the beat more if the kid's put in a place where he has to make a bit more of a decision.

Since we get the reveal of the .45, might be nice to have one more line about Mom at the end.

Very solid and enjoyable work. Tension and mystery and a bang-on ending.

Hey writer, nice work here. This was my last script to read (YAY) and it's great to go out with a bang. I agree with much of what has already been mentioned and all the lingering questions but, hey, it's the apocalypse and people will do weird shit if they're in the know. Great job - good luck!

Tired as fuck, mind cloudy, so I need to re-read this when I'm more awake/alert.

I only spotted one or two typos.

Never heard of The Raveonettes; thought there were an oldies band, but then why would the kid listen to them, instead of the dad? Had to google this band.

I would have trimmed half the dialogue.

Too tired to remember the ending.

Title and logline are intriguing.

No grade yet, pending awake read.

Lols, you're a trooper Chris, soldier on

Fully awake now. My comments above still stand.

Overall, I'm impressed. I liked the ending. Not exactly sure why he's letting his ten-year-old kid drink. Are they in Canada?

Good job.

Nicely written - a pace that crackles along with the question of what dad is really up to driving it.  Biggest issue is the how John knew the world was going to end?  Could be a lot to ask for in the short space but it feels a little thin without some degree of understanding as to his background.  There’s a suggestion he’s paranoid and on the run but it doesn’t go far enough.

Not a big fan of the song lyrics in the dialogue.  If you don’t know the song (like me) it’s all a bit wasted.  After listening to it I got a sense of what you’re aiming for but I’m not sure it’s something that translates well to a script.  Maybe you’re a fan of the song, but a ten year old boy?  Otherwise a solid idea but in need of that father angle to make the most of the concept.

Very nice, kept me engaged at all times. Couldnt wait to see who was right.
Wondering who is John and why he hurt these people - its like the world ganged up against John.

Another one has a feature feel. Nero was the first one. Both are in the same manner - not much explanation to the story, but the story is an engaging one all the same.

Writer,

I like this. It's a tad overwritten, but not unbearably so. I think you should give some mention as to how John knows the world is coming to an end. Maybe he worked for the government - you kept making mention of the govt. Wouldn't hurt for a little exposition there. A cabin with a basement? A triangular shaped air hockey puck? Wtf? I question whether you really need those details, as well as the need for the song whose lyrics we have to keep reading. Sounds like the lyrics might mean more to you than it does to the story. Anyway, pretty good effort. Nice job.

Steve

Well written

Really good set up though I thought the dad would give some indication as to how he knows and rest of the planet doesn't.

Nice bittersweet ending with the Dad and son watching the world crashing around him.

Overall great entry

Like your logline.

He stairs ...should be stares I think.

DANNY
Is Mr Farber going to be okay? He
wasn’t moving after you hit him.
--NICE mystery card on PAGE 1. Great job writer.

Not sure what software you used, but your heading spaces are off.

something worrying itches at him --reads awkward IMO

seeing John. John freezes  -- John John too close together IMO

This got really good the longer I read it. I was let down at the end. You have some good mystery. And you have some good options for twists out of this. There was no conflict over Danny swallowing the pill and if trust if your theme here you need to play on that a bit more IMO. I would've loved to see a twist at the end of some sort. Overall I really like this piece.

Good job.

"…to see John set a .45 Glock Pistol on the kitchen counter"

Is the caliber classifiable by seeing it? Just A minor point: I personally no way would realize a clear context here to what was said about .45/9mm by seeing the weapon.

Otherwise, the whole first act is precisely delivered and entertains me.

5p the monologue is quite long. That might be too static there.

P6-p7 this part and plotting felt constructed

"The music rises in our ears as well."

When I read a story, there is no WE or US or OURS anymore. Here, it took me out in a second and destroyed the illusion to be within.

Okay. Of course you created a pretty cool closing image. There was some stylish action in the third act too. All in all, quite a few things felt unreasoned and constructed. They ended "stylish" and "gripping", but the development, how it came to those moments, the backstory f.i., somehow wasn't very organic for me.

However, the general ride was definitely pretty enjoyable. Good work.

A Toast, To Armageddon - Apocalypse, Drama, Thriller - When an estranged father kidnaps his ten year old son in preparation for the end of the world, the boy must decide exactly how much he trusts the man he calls 'Dad'. 

Rating: 2
Thoughts: This is a little generic-sounding but has some potential if the father-son relationship is executed well.


TITLE: A Toast To Armageddon

STORY

Concept is fresh/and or original - 4

Theme is well executed/interweaved - 4

Stakes are clear/conflict is strong and or compelling - 4

Story - 2

Ending - 5

CHARACTER/DIALOGUE

Protagonist(s) is (are) likable and/or compelling - 4

Dialogue reads naturally/believable within this story - 3

Dialogue reveals character -  4

READABILITY

Action text "shows" instead of "tells" - 4

Overall readability - 5

Total: 3.9