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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    April 2017 OWC  ›  Next - OWC Moderators: Grandma Bear
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Don
Posted: April 21st, 2017, 11:26pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Next by Anonymous - Short, Apocalypse, Drama, YA - The truth about reality is revealed as the world comes to an end.  11 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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khamanna
Posted: April 22nd, 2017, 8:11am Report to Moderator
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Hi,

You raised a lot of questions in this - is he dead or not, how does Janet know, why he's 40 when he moves at 10. And why there's a 20 year old Michael, why the young Michael came to tell Michael anything and what exactly he's trying to tell him...

But there are no answers to this. It like you ran out of pages. Except you didn't, you had two more pages to explain it all.
A lot of dialog feels wasted as it's a repetition of the "move" thought.
The script is not at all bad or anything though.
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Grandma Bear
Posted: April 22nd, 2017, 10:12am Report to Moderator
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Was intrigued by the logline.

I think I agree with Khamanna here. Lots of questions are raised. I understood the part of the parallel universes and why there where different versions of Michael. However, I felt it needed to be a little deeper. Some sort of explanation to it. Doesn't have to be real obviously, but something we can entertain as a possibility.

I agree that it felt a little repetitive. Take a look at Michael's dialogue and I think you see what we mean.

Good effort for one week. Thanks for taking part.  


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DanC
Posted: April 22nd, 2017, 10:25am Report to Moderator
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I agree with both Pia and Khamanna.  

I think you have an interesting story that raises lots of questions, but, with a high concept such as this, you need a payoff of some sort.  We never get that.

Not bad, hope you expand it.  Show the consequences of his actions in this world.

Dan


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Conz
Posted: April 22nd, 2017, 10:48am Report to Moderator
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Not exactly the best logline, but still has intrigue.

not usually one to whine about "orphans" but 3 on the opening page bugs me.  Such an easy fix, and i realize writing isn't exactly about aesthetics, but it just looks so much better when there isn't a short word on its own line.

Maybe consider MICHAEL and YOUNG MICHAEL as the character names on a re-write, because I can already see this is gonna get confusing.

man, this script is an Orphanage.

is a "snub-nose handgun" a thing?

Too many questions, I'm confused at this point.  man oh man, this is like reading a game of pong.

I want to see more things happen, not just a long manic Q&A.

There's an interesting idea buried in there somewhere, but that was kinda exhausting to read.


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Gum
Posted: April 22nd, 2017, 1:03pm Report to Moderator
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Hi writer,

I got a sense of where this was going about mid script but, I’ll be honest, the entire thing was mainly dialog and I started to skim towards the end. ‘Mike and Michael’, it all got confusing after awhile, not to mention Michael’s banter didn’t really ring true re: the situation at hand… not for me at least.

I like the concept of lives existing in other ‘Parallels’. There are many people that now truly accept that as a fact, so, your concept here of Mike transporting Michael to another dimension of himself to survive is not that far fetched. I always believed that this world would simply vaporize in a cataclysmic event and, we would simply go on living in a parallel world just above or just below this perceived time and space… like closing your eyes and opening them again but, with new memories. So, yes, I like the story you have here because it makes me think about shit like that long after I’ve closed off the script.

Stories that make people think are always well conceived in my books. Best of luck.
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Talldave
Posted: April 22nd, 2017, 8:11pm Report to Moderator
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I'll do my best to say something different here, but I wouldn't disagree with all the above statements. I think consciousness is a fascinating topic to build a story around, and that's what the whole idea of parallels and moving, right? It's not about lives ending or starting, but the same single stream of consciousness as it bounces around between its infinite counterparts in an endless universe. You never truly die, partly due to the laws of physics, energy can't be created or destroyed, and then a little bit due to the spiritual mystery of what is consciousness.

With that all said, I could be totally wrong, and that is not what you're trying to say at all. That's kind of my take on the matter. The problem is you have an easy to follow plot, with a very hard to understand backstory. I think behind that problem is you have an extremely well established idea about parallel universes that had to be explained by characters that didn't seem very developed. I think they kind of kill the execution you're going for here. That all said, I am one thousand percent positive you should take another whack at this script. It's an awesome idea, I really love it, just take more time to build the world you're using to explain it.

Dave F

Revision History (1 edits)
Talldave  -  April 23rd, 2017, 12:04pm
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Cameron
Posted: April 23rd, 2017, 1:24pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Writer, or Write, or Written, depends what parallel you're in,

It's very ambitious, and a clever angle to go at. Now, the problem is that the parallel world thing is revealed early, then dragged out over 9 or so pages with lots of shouty exposition. It really could have been halved in length with the same outcome, which is a shame because you've gone in with a great idea.

Writing was clear, couldn't spot any typos, pace kinda went at the same speed for the majority with little change.

There is something here, but I'm not convinced it's worked.

Cam
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JEStaats
Posted: April 23rd, 2017, 1:39pm Report to Moderator
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I liked what you were going for but it just kinda missed the mark. The little flashback could be removed and I don't think it would be missed. Perhaps instead of just repeating 'moved', Mike could drop additional hints to elude what/where the move is? I did like it though - good work.

A snub-nose is typically a revolver with a 2" barrel. Think Dick Tracy.
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: April 24th, 2017, 8:08am Report to Moderator
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I've read a few theories that this story is based on and it's an intriguing concept. Unfortunately it is not developed well or expanded upon in this script. It's just one long conversation which raises lots of questions but does not deliver much in the way of answers. It's mainly tell instead of show and the telling becomes quite repetitive. We don't even know if he Moved at the end and how it happens.

-Mark


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Gary in Houston
Posted: April 25th, 2017, 11:02am Report to Moderator
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It was an interesting concept- I think it just failed on the execution. You had me until about the last third and then it started getting repetitive, with Mike and Michael just going back and forth over the same territory but not getting anywhere on the explanation.

A worthwhile effort that just needs some tweaking down the stretch.

Best of luck,
Gary


Some of my scripts:

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The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

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Dreamscale
Posted: April 25th, 2017, 11:26am Report to Moderator
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Very hokey right out of the gate and the dialogue exchange between the 2 Mike's doesn't ring remotely true.

No reason fro a CUT TO, and in reality, this is a Flashback that you didn't label as one.

"He'd riding..." - Huh?

Formatting is off with these CUT TO's.

Pretty much nothing but repetitive dialogue here and it's not working for me at all, nor do I get what the reason for any of this is.

Score - 1.5.
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: April 25th, 2017, 5:28pm Report to Moderator
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Hmm, interesting idea but for me it needed something more interesting to happen... as it is it's two people talking about parallel universes rather than showing us them...

Now, jumping from apocalypse to apocalypse might have been fun!

Decent effort but missed the mark for me.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
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Heretic
Posted: April 26th, 2017, 1:17pm Report to Moderator
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Fun concepts, not a particularly exciting presentation. Some visuals would go a long way here.

What's lacking most, for me, is young Mike's motivation. I don't get any sense of emotional heft for him, and it seems like this should be important. What's his stake in this?

I think the ambiguity will work fine once we understand the characters. Currently we don't. I'm not sure why I should be invested in either of these two.
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SAC
Posted: April 26th, 2017, 10:01pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Writer,

Maybe I'm just tired, it's late. I'm sorry, but I just didn't get any of this. Too many quick yes and no answers, two characters with the same names... I got lost, writer. Sorry again.

Steve


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