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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    April 2017 OWC  ›  In Need Of Refuge - OWC Moderators: Grandma Bear
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  Author    In Need Of Refuge - OWC  (currently 1806 views)
AnthonyCawood
Posted: April 25th, 2017, 5:57pm Report to Moderator
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I think the idea is good, it's kinda like an alternate start to Cloverfield Lane, but...

I think it would be better to give them names, you're right no one probably cares at the end of the world but the people reading your script will, imho of course.

Any script written in a week will have typos, errors and omissions, that's what re-writes are for so all the prev comments will be useful.

It seemed odd to me that he drags the injured girl from the house but not into the bunker, I'd do one or the other.

The end feels reminiscent of something, Prisoners maybe? But I liked it.

Decent effort


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Wes
Posted: April 25th, 2017, 6:55pm Report to Moderator
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I have to agree that the log line doesn't do anything to pull me in.
However, I thought the thing read fine. Yes, there were a couple of typos. I usually leave comments about typos to those folks here who have never made a typo in their lives. They are amazing folks.

There were places where the dialogue was a bit on the nose. But then you can risk going the other direction and end up accused of being too vague. Or, God help us, having "Orphans".

I was fine with "THE MAN", "THE KID", "THE GIRL" until we turned around and gave names to JERRY and HONEY. Then it irritated me that the main characters weren't named. It just seemed backwards.

The end gave me chills. Seriously. Don't know whether anyone could survive a meteor (Because I did assume it was a meteor) in a bomb shelter but the idea of being trapped in the thing really bothered me. I wouldn't be surprised if the tractor parking over the hatch was your germinal idea.

I do have one problem. If THE MAN and THE KID know about the shelter then I would assume there are a lot of people who know about it. If three people are gonna show up to get in, I would assume thirty more would too. Probably more.

I've got six shorts here now. I only point links to three because those are the ones that don't suck - for one or two people here.  

Keep at it. Just remember that no matter how good it is there will be someone here who will will find something to criticize about it. And they're being constructive.


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ChrisBodily
Posted: April 26th, 2017, 5:11pm Report to Moderator
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Putting all the drama aside, except for the drama you wrote on the page...

The hillbilly dialect is fun to read, but in serious writing, there's a quote from John Wayne, who was sick of writers affecting the stereotypical John Wayne drawl on the page.

"Awright, pilgrim! You're just a-crusin' for a brusin'!"

He told them simply, "Write the script in English. If I choose to play the role, I'll play it like John Wayne."

A few missing commas.

This is the second script I've read with subject-less action lines.


Quoted Text
Ain't nothin' [']bout this supposed (sic) to be fun.



Quoted Text
bout

/bout/

noun

noun: bout; plural noun: bouts


1.

a short period of intense activity of a specified kind.
"occasional bouts of strenuous exercise"

synonyms: attack, fit, spasm, paroxysm, convulsion, eruption, outburst; More
period, session, spell


"a bout of dysentery"

•an attack of illness or strong emotion of a specified kind.
"a severe bout of flu"

synonyms: attack, fit, spasm, paroxysm, convulsion, eruption, outburst; More
period, session, spell

"a bout of dysentery"

•a wrestling or boxing match.

synonyms: contest, match, fight, prizefight, competition, event, meeting
"he is fighting his fifth bout"


2.

a curve in the side of a violin, guitar, or other musical instrument.


'bout (not bout; 'bout with an apostrophe) is slang for "about."

Since you have The Man and an Older Man, you could have named them. Speaking of which...

Why didn't you just call the older man Jerry right off the bat?

"still[-]calm [Older Woman's name]."

Now you call the Older Woman Honey?


Quoted Text
It's okay[,] Honey...


Always offset names with commas.

(CONT'D) is almost never necessary in a spec script.


Quoted Text
THE MAN
Shut up[,] bitch.


Numbers should be spelled out in dialogue, except for unusually long ones like 9,876.

Try to avoid orphan words, as they can add up.

Bard? Like Shakespeare? Or is it a typo of "barn?"

Wow. All that blood for nothing.

The Girl's "blood[-]stained grin" reminds me of Daisy Domergue in The Hateful Eight, played by the wonderful Jennifer Jason Leigh in an Oscar-nominated performance.

One extra blank page.

Not exactly sure if this satisfies the apocalypse criteria. The title is decent. The logline is pretty funny. The script isn't outright terrible; it's half-good, even.


FADE IN:
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stevemiles
Posted: April 27th, 2017, 4:01pm Report to Moderator
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This one feels like it could be fun - apocalypse, desperate hillbilly’s...

Ages would help a lot - especially with the Kid.  Give us something to work with.

I’m starting to wonder if the lack of names is partly responsible for the breakdown of society…

‘There are no cousins anymore’ -

‘THE GIRL sits in between the two men.’ - I thought he was a kid?

The question of what’s in the sky and ‘who’ they’re talking about robbing at the outset - that’s enough to keep me invested.  Then there’s the stand-off with Jerry - get the keys etc.  Interesting choice to cut to the cat with the shootout off-screen.  It worked for me as you tied it back into the ‘thing in the sky’.

So were the keys in the safe?  Did Jerry actually open the safe or did The Man?  There’s some elements need smoothing out there.  I wasn’t sure if this was all about the keys or The Man wanting to see what else was in the safe.

Why put the keys in the safe but leave the bunker open?

Darkly comic ending - works for me.  I like the running gag of them looking into the sky.  I kept seeing The Man as Woody Harrelson for some reason… just me?  The Girl needs more to do though - probably The Kid too.  One of the better pay-offs - perhaps my favourite so far.  I guess it’s not too important we don’t know exactly what’s about to go down.  A few issues to clean up but a solid entry, one worth coming back to.  


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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Pale Yellow
Posted: May 3rd, 2017, 2:27pm Report to Moderator
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I like your title and I'm good with the logline.

No FADE IN

I like the concept but I think this needs work. I wrote a script sort of like this called Bunker.

I think the characters deserved a name in this at least the main ones you want us to car about. Usually you name the extras (noname) that way the reader knows they are extras not mains and it's easier to read that way but these guys in your short need names IMO.

How did they know there was an underground shelter there?
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EWall433
Posted: May 4th, 2017, 11:00pm Report to Moderator
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I like the way the dialogue is building backstory and creating a bit of mystery as to what these two are up to. That being said, by page 4 I wonder if it could do the same thing with a bit more efficiency. Like… “Yeah I didn’t know what it meant either. Heard it on the tv. Had to look it up on the internet.” Do we need exposition on how breeding works and how he learned about it? Likely not.

“There are no cousins anymore.”  His future children's genetic defects say otherwise.

These characters need ages. Didn't mind at first, but you just referred to the Kid as one of two “men”, and with the Girl’s age not given, you’re forcing me to decide for myself exactly how creepy and uncomfortable this cousin sex scene plays.

Good twist at the end. Overall the story’s a bit unfocused. Could use a rewrite just to make that ending as effective as possible. We get the Man’s a scumbag deserving of comeuppance, but maybe if his desperation to live by any means was emphasized more. Start him off as someone we have sympathy for, then strip it away as he does greedier and greedier stuff to live. Then the twist would be a little more appropriate and meaningful.

Overall a good effort.
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SAC
Posted: May 5th, 2017, 8:14am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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Writer,

The most fleshed out character here is The Man, and that's only because you compared him to Bruce Willis, so I just envisioned Die Hard Bruce Willis and went from there. Neither The Kid, Girl were introduced, I don't think. Old Man and Old Woman were introduced, then their true names revealed in dialogue. Not too confusing, but not proper either. Good action writing, good pace, slow in parts. Way too many stilted sentences that could have benefitted from a few commas instead of all periods. In the end, I just don't recall what was revealed and how. Something inside that box, I think. But was it ever opened? I don't recall and I can't go back to look. Overall, decent and all, and fairly memorable, but over long and confusing. The point was lost somewhere in your writing, I feel.

Steve


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Grandma Bear
Posted: May 6th, 2017, 7:42am Report to Moderator
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In Need Of Refuge - Apocalypse, Drama - As the shit is about to hit the fan, it’s now or never for a desperate hillbilly and his two companions.  

Rating: 1
Thoughts: Must better specify what's going on.  "Now or never" is not enough information when it comes to describing a plot. 

TITLE: In Need Of Refuge

STORY

Concept is fresh/and or original - 4

Theme is well executed/interweaved - 3

Stakes are clear/conflict is strong and or compelling - 3

Story - 3

Ending - 4

CHARACTER/DIALOGUE

Protagonist(s) is (are) likable and/or compelling - 2

Dialogue reads naturally/believable within this story - 4

Dialogue reveals character -  3

READABILITY

Action text "shows" instead of "tells" - 3

Overall readability - 3

Total: 3.2


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