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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    April 2017 OWC  ›  Earth's Final Moments - OWC Moderators: Grandma Bear
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  Author    Earth's Final Moments - OWC  (currently 2830 views)
Don
Posted: April 21st, 2017, 11:28pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Earth's Final Moments by Mark Renshaw (Mark Renshaw)  writing as Anonymous 8 - Short, Apocalypse, Sci Fi, YA - When the moon spins out of orbit and the true masters of Earth power down the sun, humanity has to decide if it should go quietly into the night, or face extinction in a spectacular blaze of glory.  11 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  May 14th, 2017, 9:36am
revised draft
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: April 22nd, 2017, 6:18am Report to Moderator
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No, I don't get it.

That's nott\ to say this piece wasn't well written. Overall, it's lean and i have almost no fault with it. Almost.
See, while the  scenes show people terrified of impending doom and others going about getting adventures off the bucket list, I didn't really connect to any of it.
Why not? No stand out characters. No speaking characters..

And the reveal of who or what the Narrator is, well, he's not much of a character either. if man has de-evolved (?) then how is it that the Narrator can speak well and use technology?

On second thought, i do get it. It's meant as a WTF moment.

Still, it is well written overall.


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SAC
Posted: April 22nd, 2017, 6:29am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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Writer,

Interesting story. Thought the narrator would've killed it for me but it didn't. Still, just not enough meat here to keep it going - there were no characters to engage with so I felt kind of detached from what was happening. Sort of like a bedtime story of sorts. Not bad, just not for me.

Steve


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Gum
Posted: April 22nd, 2017, 1:53pm Report to Moderator
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Hi writer,

Wow, truly prophetic. Curious thing, this illusion that imprisons humanity, if we would just let it go (the illusion) then, all would be well. Unfortunately, some believe that we wear our chains of illusion not as prisoners (humans are smart after all, and transcend beyond this world after loss of corporeal reality), but to protect us from going insane, and the system collapsing; consider the implications of this reality if you emphatically knew we lived in a closed system, meaning finite… many high level physicists have committed suicide after having that very truth revealed to them, it’s said.

Many physicists now hypothesize that we may very well be an experiment in ‘Simulated Realities’ but, the reason it works is because humans have given themselves over in a process of ‘Free Will’ to experience this 3rd dimensional reality. Of course, I’m just regurgitating shit I’ve read over the years obviously… trying to make sense of it all. I get the sense that your story, the ‘Reveal’ is humans no longer wanting to accept the programming, as in, we’re just sick and tired of all the lies that have infiltrated the simulation beyond what is necessary to make it work.

I really dig your idea of the reveal, the moon that is, as a leviathan machine to control the simulation from afar and, you did a good job portraying an apocalyptic event, so… kudos for a well thought out story.

Quite a few things, events, locations going on in this that were overwhelming at times but, I dig the writing… it flowed fast, neat, and easy. All the best.

Revision History (1 edits)
Gum  -  April 22nd, 2017, 1:58pm
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: April 23rd, 2017, 10:28am Report to Moderator
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Logline - big on dramatics but light on story, and who's it is

Ok, finished

I nominate this for probably the most expensive short script I've ever read

It doesn't have mush conventional story, nd it is nothing new - i.e. The sense we lose our defences in the face of death - but I rather enjoyed it. Nicely written.

Probably going to be better than the average




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Cameron
Posted: April 23rd, 2017, 11:44am Report to Moderator
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G'day writer,

At the end of the world, in Melbourne, the cool change would probably reverse and scorch the hell out of the place, knowing the city as I do. And the possums and St Kilda backpackers would  live happily ever after...

It's dramatic, I can hear the slow paced piano keys jangling underneath the whole thing, interlaced with searing violins. Seriously though, it's an interesting story, a rolling observation of how it could all pan out. But it just didn't keep me that entertained, unfortunately.

Observation, with no protagonist or set character attached, really is a tough one to pull off. There's some great ideas here, the resident aliens milking us dry, nice one, but I just wanted some conflict to go with it, even though I know that's not the point.

Anyway, well written, but it just didn't keep me entertained.

Cam
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: April 23rd, 2017, 1:57pm Report to Moderator
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Expensive much? lol.

This one reminded me of the Impact 50 film project that's being produced at the moment. There's no central protagonist or antagonist, just a snapshot of 50 lives during those final moments in two minute segments.

It's experimental and bold, but as you can see from some of the comments, if you don't have these elements people may not take to it. Maybe bringing the Aboriginal in from the beginning may help? Then at least we can see the end through his eyes, although by the end you realise that has been the case all along.

There's a deep, sci fi backstory hinted at here. I feel that there's a lot more going on behind the scenes you can explore outside of this OWC.

-Mark  


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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PrussianMosby
Posted: April 24th, 2017, 12:46am Report to Moderator
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Title page isn't centered
Bottom margins on all pages are far too wide

Well…

All a bit weird in this script, although some stuff indeed moved me. I've always been open to such morally stories. I hope you keep your attitude and get some of your messages in shape. We can't have enough of it.

You haven't really left out one single mega set of planet earth, have you??? just kidding. I believe budget was not your point.

The story "felt" good. Thanks.



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Dreamscale
Posted: April 24th, 2017, 1:21pm Report to Moderator
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Title page not properly centered...hey, I understand...my software has issues doing this as well, so I have to spend some extra time on it.  Just doesn't look good to start this way, and for me, the title itself isn't remotely good.

I don't like the narrator stuff at all, and feel this is a cheap way out to explain things.  Also, big issue here - you say 6:15 PM, but understand there are lots and lots of 6:15 PM's around the world and they're all different times.  Let's see where we go...

"It's" is incorrect here.

"Glass tower blocks across the skyline reflect images of rockets launching all across the city." - I don't understand this line...at all.

Wow, lots of different exotic locales - reminds me of another script I just read, loaded with researched info...which I totally appreciate..but we don't have any characters here and this narrator is killing a good read.

Although writing is strong, there are some mistakes popping up. Same with Slugs - very well done for the most part and crazily unique and well thought out, but some inconsistencies - a classic one is using a British spelling "CENTRE", then showing us we're in the Bronx Zoo.

The ending - I like it.  I definitely like it.

So, this may be one of the most expensive shorts ever written, but you pulled it off.  You somehow pulled it off with no characters and a narrator feeding us info throughout.

You pulled it off and my hat's off to you on a job well done.  You went way outside the box, which I always appreciate, yet you held everything together with short, effective vignettes of life...and death.

And, most importantly, you left me with something I can visualize in my head very easily and will remember, most likely, forever.

Score - 4.5 - EASILY, the best so far, and most likely, the winner. Well done.
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Ryan1
Posted: April 24th, 2017, 1:55pm Report to Moderator
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Very ambitious tale.  The writer went the epic route with this one.  Cool idea having the moon as this power station helping to control people and events down on Earth.

And a spin on the classic mole people trope as our underground overlords.

The narrator didn't bother me as much as it apparently did other readers.  The unfolding events were enough to hold my attention.

I did wonder how exactly this loincloth wearing aborigine wound up on the spacecraft.  Who put him there?  Why exactly would he be wearing possums and shells in the year 2023.  Also, if there was only a couple weeks to prepare for the apocalypse, where did this ark come from with all of Earth's knowledge stored on it.  It's only six years from now, after all.  

I love how he timed Earth's time of death down to the actual minute, lol.  Now that's precise.

Despite these quibbles, I liked it.  A lot of ideas here for a short.
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Conz
Posted: April 25th, 2017, 10:06am Report to Moderator
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I gotta say, the premise is strong and the idea of underground cities is a great one.  i also like the dark side of the moon playing into this... despite it making me think of stupid ass Transformers.

you're hamstrung by the fact this has to be a short, b/c the narration was probably the only way to go with it and i gotta say I just don't like narration.  not in a "this is a bs screenwriting rule people who have no real hollywood knowledge tell you," just in the "i don't like it when i feel like someone is talking directly to me" kinda way.  I've never been a fan of screenplays with narration.  ... but this is just me.

if this was a longer piece, a feature length, you could actually show everything instead of just blips of action with some floating voice telling me what I'm seeing.  again, this could very well just be a gripe of mine.

i like the peace and happiness as opposed to the usual looting and turning on your fellow man angles...

this was very ambitious, especially for a week's notice... be honest, this was an inkling of an idea you had in the past.  be honest!  come on!

i'll harp on it one more time.  i like all the ideas here, i just don't like voiceover.  i'd watch this movie though, that's for sure.  a narrative of the supreme beings leaving their underground cities, shutting down the sun, and mankind uniting at the last minute?  great idea.  some would say there are no stakes, and dumb executives would try to turn it into Indepence Day, but i love the optimism in this story.

good one.


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: April 25th, 2017, 6:23pm Report to Moderator
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Interesting idea but with no real characters it didn't really engage me.

The start with secret masters was interesting, a conspiracy theory that could have had legs but it's jettisoned almost immediately.

And I couldn't get War of the World's narration out of my head as it evolved.

So, sorry but didn't work for me.

Well done for trying something different though.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
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DanC
Posted: April 26th, 2017, 2:16am Report to Moderator
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Well, I am torn.  On one hand, I LOVED the idea.  On the other, I didn't care for the execution.

You didn't need a voice over for the entire piece.  

You could have easily crafted a short story about everything you just wrote.  

It was well written.  It was pretty easy and clear to follow.  

The biggest issue was that there's very little plot, suspense, anything.  It was as if I was reading a new entry in a just found Bible verse.  

I'd love to see you go back to the drawing board, focus on 1 person, perhaps the person going into space, and tell the story thru their eyes, but, show us, don't tell us....

Good luck and let me know if you need another read.

Dan


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Gary in Houston
Posted: April 26th, 2017, 8:42am Report to Moderator
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Is the aboriginal/narrator supposed to be the protagonist? If so, I'm not really on board with that.  Seems a bit cold, distant. No one really to cheer for or identify with. It's more like a book report than a screenplay. Mind you, the writing's not bad at all, which makes this all the more confounding to me.  

The masters basically turned the sun off? We'll, that's a neat trick, I guess.

Overall, nice visuals, good writing on display, no buy in as a reader.

Best of luck,
Gary


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JEStaats
Posted: April 27th, 2017, 3:20pm Report to Moderator
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Overall, I liked it. Reminded me of an episode that would do well on the old 'Outer Limits' show from waaay back when. Also loved another Utah reference with Indian Creek. I'm assuming you were referring to Moab. Yet I agree that it was not engaging without the character development. Once filmed, if the actors are truly able to portray the emotion necessary, you might be able to pull it off with the visuals. Good work.
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