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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    April 2017 OWC  ›  The 5th Horseman - OWC Moderators: Grandma Bear
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  Author    The 5th Horseman - OWC  (currently 2726 views)
CameronD
Posted: April 27th, 2017, 11:25am Report to Moderator
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HELL CAVE makes your opening slug sound like a specific place. Like, THE hell cave. I think you meant to write

INT. HELL - CAVE - DAY

"probably Latin for “gnarly-ass Hell ghoul.” Funny line but not sure if appropriate for script. Lose the probably and I think it's fine.

Ok, never mind I get this script now. And I like it.

Hot damn, huge kudos to the writer as that was a well thought out, clever, and stupidly funny script! I love my a good satire and this script had it in spades making fun of hell as much as it did society today. The gags were funny, on point and smart. My fav being the kid in the tragedy of the kid in the Khardashian shirt being equal to Trump and North Korea's mess of issues and the jiggling of firebox cords, and the millennial line lol.

If there is a weakness, and I think there is, it's Sergio. He's just a little too whiny for my tastes. I know that's part of the setup but he's whiney in an annoying way to me. Make him a little less and I'd say this would be near perfect.

Easily my fav of what I've read so far. I never expected a comedy to take my top spot here. Excellent excellent job. This could easily be an episode of South Park with little change.

Maybe it is THE hell cave.


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Heretic
Posted: April 27th, 2017, 12:16pm Report to Moderator
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1 - *Altar. Not a typos guy, but since it's the first line.
2 - *thee, not thy.
6 - *yea, not yay. Turns out I am the typos guy.

Yeah, it's funny. Drags a little bit for me during the second half, I guess because I found it hard to buy in to Sergio without a slightly more sincere moment for his character. I'd have liked to see his feelings more hurt, I guess -- that's often key to these underdog stories.

The Pestilence and Death gags were extremely strong, the other two not so much. I think all four need to manage what the Pestilence one does best, which is show that we've already turned our world into their version of Hell.

Definite feature potential here, Little Nicky notwithstanding. The "millennial" joke is the heart of the whole thing, in a way. Good stuff.
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stevemiles
Posted: April 27th, 2017, 12:54pm Report to Moderator
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Logline works - take a well known concept and subvert it.  Could be some laughs here…

I try not to read previous comments before posting but I’m going to go out on a limb in thinking I wouldn’t be the first to say this could be trimmed.  There’s some decent gags in here but it was a long set-up to get the Horsemen through the portal - that part was worth the wait - then a ways again to reach the pay-off.  The writing is solid but dense in places; anything to keep this moving will help.  

I like this kind of idea and I’d be no less guilty of overloading an early draft to see what works.  I liked it but I was drifting towards the last quarter.  I think the better lines/ideas get lost amid the weaker ones.  Put it in a drawer, leave it to settle a bit then trim the fat - you’ll not lose anything from the idea.

Good luck, keen to see what you do with it.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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ChrisBodily
Posted: April 29th, 2017, 12:25am Report to Moderator
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Written byyyy?

"Stone alt[a]r."

Putin and Jong have the same face?

I hope the Kardashian you're referring to is a Star Trek alien.

LOL @ the Sarah McLachlan commercial.

Looks like you made the Kygranjulis name up. Every Google search result takes me to your script.

Ha ha! Clancy?

"Pestilence" is defined as "a fatal epidemic disease, especially bubonic plague." IS this what you mean? Oh, it's the dude's name... right?


Quoted Text
CLANCY
WARRRRRRRRRRR!


Huh! Good God, y'all!
What is it good for?
Absolutely nothin'!  

"get off his high horse" Literally?


Quoted Text
The chant softens to a guttural SONG OF STRUGGLE.  The Hoods sound tortured.

OH-AH! OH-OH-OH-AHHHHHH!


I'm in love with your body
OH-AH! OH-OH-OH-AHHHHHH!
I'm in love with your body
OH-AH! OH-OH-OH-AHHHHHH!
I'm in love with your body
Everyday discovering something brand new
I'm in love with the shape of you  

"opretic" should be "operatic."

A remixed version of "Hell's Bells"? Now, that's an intro!

"tell [']em."

The millennial jab -- too funny! And I'm an older millennial.


Quoted Text
For starters, you have no horse.


Point taken.

A computer keyboard or a synth?

Four pages down. Will finish later. Pretty funny stuff so far.

Fade to red? That's pretty original. Good stuff here. Congrats.


FADE IN:

Revision History (1 edits)
ChrisBodily  -  April 29th, 2017, 2:00pm
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Pale Yellow
Posted: May 2nd, 2017, 2:08pm Report to Moderator
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Like the title and the logline.

Some of the best writing on display in this one.

Not much to say except I really liked this one. On my fav list.

GREAT job writer.
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PrussianMosby
Posted: May 5th, 2017, 3:48am Report to Moderator
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I already recognized, when having taken a first look into the script once, that it's hard to get in touch with the beginning of the story: There's simply a lot of capitalization and when you emphasize too many individual pieces, I personally soon lose my true focus on story.

P5 first half – many dialogues, but few actions and movement in the picture

It drags and stumbles a bit, and despite of the fact that it's comedy, it still feels a bit like preaching against modern/technical problems of today - especially because the talk is not connected to actual/direct movement in case of the critique.

That said the themes you tackle are interesting per se. The approach connecting them to comedy as well.

Again, far too many capitalizations. When you got so many characters, I would keep SOUNDS and OTHER ACTIONS... as sound and other actions - know what I  mean???

It's solid work, although I just miss a final balance that makes a definite concept and experience out of the script. Stuff is too uneven yet. A shorter execution might help. Whatever, it has a lot potential from my sight on things.



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Grandma Bear
Posted: May 6th, 2017, 7:44am Report to Moderator
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The 5th Horseman - Apocalypse, Comedy - When the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse fail to end life on Earth, their tech savvy younger brother must use his knowledge of modern society to help fulfill the prophecy. 

Rating: 4
Thoughts: This could be great if the writer's funny.  Very funny idea.


TITLE: Fifth Horseman

STORY

Concept is fresh/and or original - 4

Theme is well executed/interweaved - 3

Stakes are clear/conflict is strong and or compelling - 2

Story - 3

Ending - 2

CHARACTER/DIALOGUE

Protagonist(s) is (are) likable and/or compelling - 2

Dialogue reads naturally/believable within this story - 3

Dialogue reveals character -  4

READABILITY

Action text "shows" instead of "tells" - 3

Overall readability - 2

Total: 2.8


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DanC
Posted: May 7th, 2017, 1:42am Report to Moderator
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Killing villains since 1980!

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Conz, great job bud.  This was really funny.  I enjoyed it a lot.

You really have a knack for comedy gold.  I don't agree with the pro readers at all, but, if you have gotten low scores like that before from them, then I'd spend some time reading stories that rated significantly higher than yours and figuring out what they did right and where you went wrong.

I hope you fix this up, it's really funny!!

Again, great job.

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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khamanna
Posted: May 8th, 2017, 2:35pm Report to Moderator
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Oopsy doopsy - haven't read this. I read the title and thought it's going to be about horsemen. Then I opened it and saw who the horsemen are and thought that it's better not read it instead of going in with a huge bias and spoil the rating at the end - I'm biased after all, what's the point of reading and rating then.

Anyway, congrats, looks like a very deserved placement.
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Conz
Posted: May 8th, 2017, 3:23pm Report to Moderator
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horsemen is a very dated term, they prefer "Centaurs."  (yeah that's a cornball joke from the script)

thanks again to everyone who liked this and gave feedback


I'd list my "work" here, but I don't know how to hyperlink.  

"Career" Highlights
-2, count em, 2 credits on my IMDB page.  
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