The 5th Horseman by Mennen - Short, Apocalypse, Comedy - When the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse fail to end life on Earth, their tech savvy younger brother must use his knowledge of modern society to help fulfill the prophecy. 13 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Writer,

Loved this, laughed out loud at the BABA BOOEY mention - great stuff, well written, felt I was in assured hands all the way through. The ending didn't get me the way it should have, was looking for more of a zinger. But, the images were funny as hell, chuckled several times. This is my first read, but this gets top marks from me. Great job! Loved the byline - shows your age.

Steve

Logline - quite like this just because of the fifth horseman. I would go as far as saying that is a particularly strong concept with various genre options. The tech savvy element  didn't do much for me.

Let's see....

I found that a bit heavy going and was a little lost in parts.

Some nice images like a scared war and them failing in a modern world.

I think if you kept to the cave it could be a filmable sketch, but I do like the idea of a fifth horseman

Writer,

Right up my street this one. Crass, brash and a bit stoopid in parts, much like my drinking partners. Some genius lines, and the juxtaposition of traditional horsemen Vs Sergio is genius.

Really liked it. If there was one criticism, maybe pull back some of the intros, free up some text and show Serg causing chaos down on planet earth.

Regardless, definitely one of the best I've read, well done.

Cam

Hi writer,

“This is KYGRANJULIS, probably Latin for “gnarly-ass Hell ghoul.”

Hmm, not good… is, or probably is? If you don’t know, how would I.

OK, you know how to write (tips hat), you’ve definitely got skills for that. Fantastic creatures, settings, etc. This appears like a very ambitious attempt to get something unique out there to put this OWC through the proverbial gauntlet but, I’m about 7 pages in and, well… lost on the whole concept of what’s going on.

I’ll try to revisit this later, friend, but for now… all the best.

This so called plague makes swine-flu look like AIDS! WTF?

All by the rules, definitely not the writer's first time at the keyboard but it just lost me. I found myself skimming to get to the end. Maybe I'll read it again if I get the chance.

Kudos for entering.

What the fuckith!
Damn, this was a great read! Loved the Four Horsemen! Great dialogue. Laughed out loud a few times.
The descriptions of their failure on earth are wonderful. Occasionally felt like I was watching Saturday Night Live.
Best I’ve read by far up to this point.
Thank you!

I've always loved the mix of horror and dark comedy.  Some genuinely funny lines and clever descriptions right off the bat.  I liked the character of Sergio as this dorko little brother who just wasn't nasty enough to be a horseman.  But my favorite scenes in this script were those of Earth's population shrugging off the appearance of the Horsemen.  LOL, things have gotten so insane these days I wonder how far from the truth this really is.  

But I think the story should have gotten to Earth much sooner.  We didn't get there until page 7.  Spent too much time in the underworld and the jokes started to fizzle like brimstone fumes.  

Still, a clever take on the challenge.  Good job.

This was great. Not every joke landed, but it had a good story and enough humor to take you through it. Very little to criticize except…

I would've liked to see Sergio actually do his work and get some recognition. It feels like the story ended at the break into Act 3. I'm guessing the page length was the biggest part of that, but I can't help but think that a little less chat in the beginning and some nips and tucks along the way could've got you the space to end it proper.

Otherwise, really good job.

I enjoyed this too.  It had its moments.

One thing I hated.  We didn't get to see him do it!!

The entire script is a build-up for him doing it and we don't see it.  That sucks!!

It did read more like a skit than an actual story, but, it was a fun read.  

I really LOL a few times...  (um, laugh out loud, not lots of love, that's just weird)

I'd love to see what you do with this.

Dan

This is right up my dwarven back passage. Very Terry Pratchett, loved it!

Skillfully woven. There's a few elements where the joke is on the page and not passed onto the screen but they are minor quibbles. This was excellent. Creative, topical, funny.

Top marks from me and thanks for an entertaining read.

-Mark

Loved it. A high brow Monty Pythonesque type of romp. Great imagery, funny lines, and some sly commentary to boot.

Not sure what I would change here -- could definitely see this as a feature, with Sergio's background and building up to his becoming the Fifth Horseman. You already have the perfect title.

Well done here.

Gary

STARVING DOGS from the Sarah McLachlan commercials pout   funny and obviously a US writer

A great writer I see but a little over written at times makes it harder to follow

Well this was a great piece and sets it up nicely for a feature.

Loved the title and concept

Great job on entering

I originally started reading this one the very first few minutes that the scripts were released, but stopped very quickly, as I knew I wouldn't have much positive to say, and was still trying to read every script in their entirety...but I'm down to the last few, so here we go again.

OK, so this is a talented writer here...that's for sure, and I appreciate talent and really appreciate a well written script.  It's definitely not my kind of humor though, but I'll wade on...just because it's written so well.

Pages and pages of back and forth witty dialogue does not a script make, IMO.  This comes off like a SNL skit, and I despise SNL, BTW.

Man, that was a long time to get to a new scene...Page 7 already?  Damn...

"...and SNEEZES the most adorable sneeze ever sneezed." - LOL!  Now that's funny!

Skimming...and done.  Great witty writing, sense of humor, and creativity, but this ain't my shot of Jager.  I do know good when I see it and this is good, so I have to throw out one of the highest scores of the challenge...reluctantly, but deserved.  4.0.

I was struggling to start as the characters were introduced at pace... but once the banter starts with Sergio I was into the flow and loving some of the exchanges.

Minor gripe, I think they'd know what a scarecrow is, hardly a recent invention...

But i was intrigued and wanted to know how Sergio came back in.

And you left me wanting more, I need to know what he did!!!

Good effort

HELL CAVE makes your opening slug sound like a specific place. Like, THE hell cave. I think you meant to write

INT. HELL - CAVE - DAY

"probably Latin for “gnarly-ass Hell ghoul.” Funny line but not sure if appropriate for script. Lose the probably and I think it's fine.

Ok, never mind I get this script now. And I like it.

Hot damn, huge kudos to the writer as that was a well thought out, clever, and stupidly funny script! I love my a good satire and this script had it in spades making fun of hell as much as it did society today. The gags were funny, on point and smart. My fav being the kid in the tragedy of the kid in the Khardashian shirt being equal to Trump and North Korea's mess of issues and the jiggling of firebox cords, and the millennial line lol.

If there is a weakness, and I think there is, it's Sergio. He's just a little too whiny for my tastes. I know that's part of the setup but he's whiney in an annoying way to me. Make him a little less and I'd say this would be near perfect.

Easily my fav of what I've read so far. I never expected a comedy to take my top spot here. Excellent excellent job. This could easily be an episode of South Park with little change.

Maybe it is THE hell cave.

1 - *Altar. Not a typos guy, but since it's the first line.
2 - *thee, not thy.
6 - *yea, not yay. Turns out I am the typos guy.

Yeah, it's funny. Drags a little bit for me during the second half, I guess because I found it hard to buy in to Sergio without a slightly more sincere moment for his character. I'd have liked to see his feelings more hurt, I guess -- that's often key to these underdog stories.

The Pestilence and Death gags were extremely strong, the other two not so much. I think all four need to manage what the Pestilence one does best, which is show that we've already turned our world into their version of Hell.

Definite feature potential here, Little Nicky notwithstanding. The "millennial" joke is the heart of the whole thing, in a way. Good stuff.

Logline works - take a well known concept and subvert it.  Could be some laughs here…

I try not to read previous comments before posting but I’m going to go out on a limb in thinking I wouldn’t be the first to say this could be trimmed.  There’s some decent gags in here but it was a long set-up to get the Horsemen through the portal - that part was worth the wait - then a ways again to reach the pay-off.  The writing is solid but dense in places; anything to keep this moving will help.  

I like this kind of idea and I’d be no less guilty of overloading an early draft to see what works.  I liked it but I was drifting towards the last quarter.  I think the better lines/ideas get lost amid the weaker ones.  Put it in a drawer, leave it to settle a bit then trim the fat - you’ll not lose anything from the idea.

Good luck, keen to see what you do with it.

Written byyyy?

"Stone alt[a]r."

Putin and Jong have the same face?

I hope the Kardashian you're referring to is a Star Trek alien.

LOL @ the Sarah McLachlan commercial.

Looks like you made the Kygranjulis name up. Every Google search result takes me to your script.

Ha ha! Clancy?

"Pestilence" is defined as "a fatal epidemic disease, especially bubonic plague." IS this what you mean? Oh, it's the dude's name... right?

Quoted Text CLANCY WARRRRRRRRRRR!

Huh! Good God, y'all!
What is it good for?
Absolutely nothin'!  

"get off his high horse" Literally?

Quoted Text The chant softens to a guttural SONG OF STRUGGLE.  The Hoods sound tortured. OH-AH! OH-OH-OH-AHHHHHH!

I'm in love with your body
OH-AH! OH-OH-OH-AHHHHHH!
I'm in love with your body
OH-AH! OH-OH-OH-AHHHHHH!
I'm in love with your body
Everyday discovering something brand new
I'm in love with the shape of you  

"opretic" should be "operatic."

A remixed version of "Hell's Bells"? Now, that's an intro!

"tell [']em."

The millennial jab -- too funny! And I'm an older millennial.

Quoted Text For starters, you have no horse.

Point taken.

A computer keyboard or a synth?

Four pages down. Will finish later. Pretty funny stuff so far.

Fade to red? That's pretty original. Good stuff here. Congrats.

Like the title and the logline.

Some of the best writing on display in this one.

Not much to say except I really liked this one. On my fav list.

GREAT job writer.

I already recognized, when having taken a first look into the script once, that it's hard to get in touch with the beginning of the story: There's simply a lot of capitalization and when you emphasize too many individual pieces, I personally soon lose my true focus on story.

P5 first half – many dialogues, but few actions and movement in the picture

It drags and stumbles a bit, and despite of the fact that it's comedy, it still feels a bit like preaching against modern/technical problems of today - especially because the talk is not connected to actual/direct movement in case of the critique.

That said the themes you tackle are interesting per se. The approach connecting them to comedy as well.

Again, far too many capitalizations. When you got so many characters, I would keep SOUNDS and OTHER ACTIONS... as sound and other actions - know what I  mean???

It's solid work, although I just miss a final balance that makes a definite concept and experience out of the script. Stuff is too uneven yet. A shorter execution might help. Whatever, it has a lot potential from my sight on things.

The 5th Horseman - Apocalypse, Comedy - When the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse fail to end life on Earth, their tech savvy younger brother must use his knowledge of modern society to help fulfill the prophecy. 

Rating: 4
Thoughts: This could be great if the writer's funny.  Very funny idea.


TITLE: Fifth Horseman

STORY

Concept is fresh/and or original - 4

Theme is well executed/interweaved - 3

Stakes are clear/conflict is strong and or compelling - 2

Story - 3

Ending - 2

CHARACTER/DIALOGUE

Protagonist(s) is (are) likable and/or compelling - 2

Dialogue reads naturally/believable within this story - 3

Dialogue reveals character -  4

READABILITY

Action text "shows" instead of "tells" - 3

Overall readability - 2

Total: 2.8

Conz, great job bud.  This was really funny.  I enjoyed it a lot.

You really have a knack for comedy gold.  I don't agree with the pro readers at all, but, if you have gotten low scores like that before from them, then I'd spend some time reading stories that rated significantly higher than yours and figuring out what they did right and where you went wrong.

I hope you fix this up, it's really funny!!

Again, great job.

Dan

Oopsy doopsy - haven't read this. I read the title and thought it's going to be about horsemen. Then I opened it and saw who the horsemen are and thought that it's better not read it instead of going in with a huge bias and spoil the rating at the end - I'm biased after all, what's the point of reading and rating then.

Anyway, congrats, looks like a very deserved placement.

horsemen is a very dated term, they prefer "Centaurs."  (yeah that's a cornball joke from the script)

thanks again to everyone who liked this and gave feedback