Microcosm by Ryan Lee (Ryan1)  writing as Ludwig Samuels - Short, Apocalypse, Sci Fi, Fantasy - In the deepest recesses of Area 51, a long-imprisoned alien makes a horrifying confession to its only human friend. 8 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Love your title. Love your logline. This is the second read for me and I can tell people spent care on their loglines this time. Maybe it's because Carson is reviewing ...or maybe not...just an observation for me.

Not any flaws in the writing here. Feel like I'm in the hands of a veteran writer.

Love the alien. Love the relationship you built between the two.

Wow ... my favorite so far. Enjoy reading a great story with heart and character.

Excellent job writer.

Much better than anything else so far.

Well written,well told, well put together.

The problems come in the timing - as if the entire population of Earth cold be wiped out in literally a few minutes, which is preposterous, to say the least.  Even the Area 51 Installation being completely taken over in what seems to be less than a minute.

This needs more time to breathe, more time to make sense, even.

It's a good effort and I'll give you 3.5, which ain't half bad, but needs alot more to really work as you wanted it to.

title and logline are fine.

as you can see, not many notes.  I think I coulda used a page or 2 more.  the reveal, the hysteria, and the line "you're the last human alive now" came on very quickly... then again, it's a short, it has to be no longer than 12 pages, so who knows, I'm just spitballing.

This would be a really cool open to something.  the first short I've read that i think can be tweaked into a feature length script idea.  Tom and Adam as almost Clarice/Hannibal Lector types.  Adam explaining what is coming, and then a fight instead of the instantaneous demise of mankind.

pretty good

Different strokes for different folks, I guess.

Sorry to say it, but this seemed pretty bland and predictable. All of the technical stuff has been nailed, but the story just doesn't fire the imagination, and nor does it surprise.

It's basically Mars Attacks, but without the happy ending. Also, maybe change the protagonist's name, as Tom Wicks kinda sounded like a chocolate bar to me (T.Wicks).

Anyway, technically great, creatively not so.

Cam

Hi writer,

I like the title, that somehow this world is only party of a bigger idea, and can easily be terminated… like a bug.

Adam spoke in a cool, suave manor that was refreshing in regards to the typical alien portrayal; I liked that aspect of his intellect but, I’m curious if he would have the same air of confidence should the tables be turned on him. What if the aliens didn’t succeed, maybe because of an intervention from another higher intellect, then maybe Adam could show some extreme out of control rage that we wouldn’t have expected from him previously and, now Tom is not only his favorite captor but, his only salvation to survive the apocalyptic battle between humans and ET’s? A reversal of events that neither of them saw coming.

OK, I’m just throwing out my own opinion obviously. I do like the overall concept you have here, just, felt like it all happened too fast, like something from a bigger story. All the best.

Logline was really good.

The story and interaction between Adam and Tom was very well executed. The build up to the approaching aliens was also very well done.

Just the ending threw me after Tom was told he was the last human alive and left with a simple nod!!!

Overall the best one for me so far just the ending could be better.

Good job on entering

Picked this from the loglines.

I really liked this one. Well written and well told. I can't think of anything else to say. I only have one nitpick and it comes from having studied about Area 51 quite a bit, including watching the documentary series. I'm pretty sure that the only way the people that work there or are visiting have to fly in. There are only two flights every day and if memory serves me right, I believe that plane only goes to Vegas. In other words, none of the people that work there, live anywhere near Area 51. Tom would not be driving to work and stop at a gas station on his way.  

Great work!  

Nice job, I liked this one. Adam was written very nicely. Perhaps writing just another page of philosophical banter/discussion between Adam and Tom? Maybe make Tom single to eliminate that distraction of family? Although I could see it coming, it was a good short. Well done!

The best executed script I've read so far, the world dies rather quickly, but who am I to say what speed hypothetical aliens destroy entire civilizations at? Not my favorite narrative, by far, but it's hard to make too many critiques.

It felt a little emotionless, but I think that goes back to the speed it was all delivered, and maybe that's what you wanted. Emotionless alien takeover with an emotionless point of view.

Dave F

Yep well well written, cool concept. Flowed at a great pace and the detail was precise.

This felt very well balanced from the start. Then the dialogue was a little bit overdone in case of length of their back and forth small talk -- although most of it was very entertaining. It's more a: "cut some words, maybe a line here and there", kind of critique from my side.

Then there was the sudden switch to the big picture: spaceships, lasers, chaos, and I thought if there may be a way to leave that out. You're much closer to character before than the story those heavy action movements represent.

The identical Adam's coming for Tom, seen via live feed, is a great image – much closer to the characters' story. You could imo also go with pictures like this one, instead of the Independence Day stuff.

The handshake situation is great.

Entertaining ending as well. I like that the aliens don't do something ironic like capturing Tom now, same as the humans did with Adam. Your choice of bringing stuff to the end, I completely favor over the typical ironic twist.

There was a bit too much boom, with flying objects and big sets.  I believe if you do that, you must go for the 90-120 flick. However, it is a very good attempt. Absolutely enjoyable to follow; also points for a brave ending that leaves no questions or raises doubts about what those alien folks came for.

This one was very well executed, with an intiguing logline to match.

The relationship between Tom and Adam was great, and the only minor critiscism is that everything seemeed to happen a little too fast at the end and it could probably be expanded by a few pages.

Definitey the best I've read so far.

Have to say, I really liked this one a lot.

Very well written and it met the challenge.

My only complaint is that ending didn't have the punch I was expecting it to. Not really sure what else you could have done to make it better, but I feel like it needed a bit more. Maybe you ran out of time, I don't know.

Great job. Can't wait to see who wrote this one.

~Zack~

There's no doubt this one is written well and the Alien is cool as a cucumber, perfect visual of him.

But on screen, I don't know...

I think it needs more of something... It's very quiet, very polite. Very touching.

I heard Kevin Spacey's voice (K-PAX) as I read Adam's character. And Hal.
Love the touches of humour with the alien figurine.

Didn't like: Tom saying: 'Wish I had some profound words.' Think you could do without that.

Couldn't Adam let Tom speak to his wife one last time? Even if the connection drops out? They just had a baby!.God's sake! This Alien knows what's coming, he has advance notice of what's going to happen. He appears to have developed a relationship with Tom.   Yeah, I know, I get it...

Great job.  

Didn't like this one quite as much as some of the others, but it was a solid story.  The cordial relationship between the Alien and Tom worked well.  Would liked to have known what this Kronos program is.  Felt like it could have been important to the story but we never really learned anything about it.

I'm not going to complain about the length, but it did feel like you could have gotten maybe one more page of interaction between Tom and Adam.  The end of humanity did happen really fast, but then again who knows what kind of weaponry these aliens would bring with them.

Good job on entering.

Like the others, I enjoyed this one a lot.  It was solid.

The 2 biggest issues for me were that there was practically no suspense at all.  You have the end of the world.  Play on that a bit.  Ratchet up the suspense to the Xth level.

The alien knew this would happen.  If he truly cared about humanity, he would have given them a fighting change, or at least as much as a flea has a chance against a shark.  Even 10 billion fleas would be hard pressed to take down a shark...

So, I'm not sure I really bought the "friendship" angle from Adam.  To me, it reads like he was just biding his time until his people came.  

Now, if you have him flip his personality on the side and become this cocky arrogant prick when his people show up, or if Tom kills him, or something.  OR if he does try to save Tom and his family.

I also wondered why they didn't dissect him.  Chances are they would have...

But, one of the top 5 I've read so far.  I still have 15 more, but, still, good.

Dan

Loved the title and logline, drew me in and made me want to know more. That's exactly what a title an logline need to do.

The script is well written, it needs a trim of course but that's the same of any script written in a week.

It does feel rushed as most have said. The invasion, the obliteration of the armed forces and the entire human race happens in a couple of minutes. This  removes most of the tension and stretches the disbelief factor.

It's also something that has been done many, many times before. I'd suggest the writer attempts a new spin. What if Adam was part of the original invasion force and the plan has been underway for 70 years? The aliens have infiltrated every aspect of society, the military, the internet etc. and unleash it all in one massive apocalyptic event, something like that.

Adam is nicely described and the way you establish the friendship between these two characters is very well handled.

Apart from the originality aspect, the thing which knocks me off the most with this though is the dialogue.

ADAM - They’re speaking to me right now. Through that strange lobe in my brain your scientists have always wondered about. Currently, the military forces of this world are being obliterated.

So on the nose, so unnatural sounding. When the conversation switches from friendly banter to the attack, it all becomes expositional and unnatural.

I realize that Adam is in a bunker but he could get across what is going in a much more subtle way and his actions could also emphasize what is happening. He could do alien stuff, show abiltiies he's never shown before because he was simply biding his time and learning what he could about humans. His capture was all part of the plan, that sort of thing.

A great idea, full of potential and well written. I just feel this could be so much better and offer a different spin on such a familiar story.

-Mark  

Logline - the well used Area 51, but I suppose relevant for this OWC. Not sure it is does much for me, but let's see...

Simple, alien invasion. What I liked was the relationship. Otherwise not a huge amount to this

I think has the potential for a Stockholm syndrome reversal, which could be interesting. But otherwise a simple and sound entry.

Very solid title, logline, story and writing. I got Hannibal/Clarice vibes from Tom and Adam.

Not much else I can add. I loved it! Great job.

The script is very clean and well written, formatting's great too and I really liked the start.

Adam felt (to me anyway) like one of Bradbury's martians and I thought that was quite a refreshing take and V different from Independence Day aliens.

But... I thought the pacing was off as it all happened too quickly, was very linear and I thought it would have benefitted from some form of twist (though not sure what).

So, very good effort, liked a ton but wanted a little more.

Microcosm:

The title is OK, though it suggests a small world revealing the larger world, which isn't really the case here. They have a nice relationship, whilst the outside world is one of conflict and disaster.

It was well written, an easy read.

For me it felt a bit one note. It goes from point A to B and there's nothing else, no reversal, no twist, no deeper meaning, no irony.

I have no real suggestions on how to thicken the plot, but it definitely needs an extra layer to move forwards, in my opinion.

Good effort.

A well-told story that's not all that interesting. Aliens take over -- done.

For me, Tom should arrive already knowing that they're under attack, thinking Adam is the one person that might be able to save them. Or he could find out early and the story could be about pleading for a friend who can't help, to help.

There's no question that it's an affecting moment at the close, but it doesn't really gesture to anything beyond the story or tell us much about either of these two characters, in the end. They're friends on different sides of something. That conflict needs to be played up somehow.

The talent is clear -- just not a fan of the story as it stands. Solid work, absolutely.

Logline hooks me in.  Concept seems well suited to a short…

Good intro - smooth read, easy to visualise with some little character nuances thrown in.  I could picture them both with the relationship between them feeling natural.  There’s a mutual respect here.

Some nice dialogue though it grows a little expositional as the story builds.  Alien apocalypse is functional though it felt rushed through.  All of a sudden Tom’s the last man on Earth.  That’s a gem of an angle but it all happens so quickly.  Though I respect there’s only 12 pages with which to invade and annihilate mankind in.  Could the invasion already be underway when this starts?

Given the contained location and low character count I’m surprised you went all big budget with this in drawing on the outside live feeds.  I was expecting something more subtle.  Though not as entertaining perhaps…  Could have done with some twist or irony to really pay it off.

It's an easy read and a simple easy to understand well told story.

But I find it a little bland for some reason.

I don't think you build up to AI's sudden change of heart and thats a drawback for me as you based your story on it. Also it happened too late into the story and thats another drawback I think.

I'm sure it's been noted, but the monitor in the beginning saying rank should be stated should be written as dialogue and not action.

Area 51 has no coffee anywhere? Maybe you know a lot about the base, maybe not, but it's VERY remote. Not a place you just drive to on your morning commute. Personal are flown in on unmarked shuttle flights from the nearby airport. What you wrote here just isn't the way the base works. Also, where is all the security? As you've written it, the base reads as a ghost town.

Mmmmmm, that was a quick read. And strangely, even though the world seems to have ended the script has no stakes. We don't know Tom for a damn so don't feel for him much, even with a new baby added to his family. The alien, Adam, is as bland as a loaf of white bread. He talks like HAL from Space Odyssey but isn't a good fit here. The script is on auto-pilot. There is nothing Tom or Adam can do to stop the invasion which just comes outta nowhere for no reason.

Also, TOM and ADAM are both such bland names that when the dialogue, and there is a lot of it in here, was going long I had a hard time telling them apart. Doesn't help neither character has much personality. That's an issue that needs fixing.

This might also be a world record for the end of the world in that the aliens seem to have killed EVERY human being on the planet in the span of three pages. Wow. That's fast!

This needs a lot of work. The formatting is good and the writer has skills but the story falls flat in every way.

Sterile.

Writer,

Nice. Well written, and a neat take on this challenge. Your sparse writing style gave just enough detail, smooth read. I liked the story too, and felt you could have gone beyond the seven pages you've used because this feels incomplete. Would like to know they Why of the invasion, and some kind of twist or cool revelation would have been nice to see. However, I feel you've got the makings of something interesting here. Like to see if you do anything further with it. Good job.

Steve

Really clean. The pace is really good.  I admit it leaves me wanting more. And, for the first time I find myself asking, why? Are they coming to get Adam? Do they just hate mankind?
Good work. Thanks.

A pretty simple story here. A slow starter, but when it got going I thought it was effective and well-executed. Not sure what else to say in the way of notes. Perhaps a little more personal details revealed at the beginning about Adam and Tom’s relationship could make the ending stronger.

Microcosm - Apocalypse, Sci Fi, Fantasy - In the deepest recesses of Area 51, a long-imprisoned alien makes a horrifying confession to its only human friend. 

Rating: 1
Thoughts: Area 51 is such a dated subject matter, you need to add something fresh and specific to get people interested.  This doesn't have either.


TITLE: Microcosm

STORY

Concept is fresh/and or original - 5

Theme is well executed/interweaved - 5

Stakes are clear/conflict is strong and or compelling - 5

Story - 4

Ending - 4

CHARACTER/DIALOGUE

Protagonist(s) is (are) likable and/or compelling - 5

Dialogue reads naturally/believable within this story - 5

Dialogue reveals character -  5

READABILITY

Action text "shows" instead of "tells" - 5

Overall readability - 5

Total: 4.8

Thanks for all the reads.  Started writing on Friday afternoon, so I didn't quite have time to get as detailed as I wanted with the human extermination concept.  I'll definitely apply many of these notes in the rewrite.

I really enjoyed this.  I think it has a lot of potential.

Good luck with it.
Dan