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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    April 2017 OWC  ›  Glitch  - OWC Moderators: Grandma Bear
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  Author    Glitch  - OWC  (currently 2090 views)
stevemiles
Posted: April 26th, 2017, 3:17pm Report to Moderator
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Nice mixture of sci-fi and mystery.  Logline could have played up the mystery angle though - didn’t grab me as is.  No real issues with this - good work for a week.  Solid twist - her friends are her enemies, her whole world is a lie.

I’m surprised Seven heads back after this revelation though.  It didn’t quite fit with what we’d seen of her before - headstrong, impetuous...  Not a deal breaker - a quick, clean read that held me all the way and left me wanting more.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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JEStaats
Posted: April 26th, 2017, 5:22pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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The naming convention of the humans gave it away pretty quick that there would be more. Maybe if her name was Delta and the boy introduced himself as Charlie? That would be a clue until the reveal of meeting Alpha, Beta.... Ah-ha!

The ending left me hanging but flat. Even though it was overwritten in places, I think I wanted just a bit more. Overall: I liked it. Good work.
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: April 26th, 2017, 7:02pm Report to Moderator
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Can't make my mind up about the title page... but love the title as I have a Glitch too (hopefully going into production next month)... anyways...

Well set up and interesting premise, the world is established well but I think I've seen similar before, or rather elements elsehwere.

It seems unfinished as it stands or the start of a bigger piece, be interested to see where it goes.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: April 28th, 2017, 7:32am Report to Moderator
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Part time writer

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Logline - not bad, better than most and to a degree intriguing, but could do with a touch more such as when. Let's see...

Had a nice blend of oblivion, terminator, matrix etc

I liked the premise more than the story and delivery.

Wouldn't it be ironic if the last remaining humans were helping them escape etc




My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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Wes
Posted: April 30th, 2017, 1:20pm Report to Moderator
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There seems to be unfinished sentences or missing punctuation in places.
Is Sky human or A.I.? If Sky is A.I., she/it seems to die like a human.
The A.I. are experimenting with Seven but Seven is able to turn them on and off?
So, the two main problems that pull me out of the story are actually the unfinished sentences or missing punctuation and not being able to determine who is human and who is A.I.


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ChrisBodily
Posted: May 3rd, 2017, 11:20pm Report to Moderator
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Pixel images on the title page? Normally, that's a huge mistake. That being said, it does look cool and gives off Matrix vibes.

How do we see this finger? You haven't faded in yet? Another mistake right out of the gate.

Opening shot reads like a smartphone commercial. Not sure if that's a good thing.

Charging station? What's that? Electric cars? Confused already.


Quoted Text
Do you really think--


Always USE DOUBLE DASHES when cutting off dialogue mid-sentence.


Quoted Text
SEVEN (12 going on 21)


Too many numbers. Confusing. And how can you be 12 going on 21? Not a promising read so far.

They're in prison? I'm lost.


Quoted Text
She passes by MOYA (20ish), beautiful, perfectly shaped and wearing a tool belt full of electronic gadgets.


In charging station/prison/wherever the hell they are???

Why the different typeface on the word "boy"?

Is this like a gas station? You've totally lost me.

"Seven tries to convince" who of what?


Quoted Text
SEVEN A boy. A human. Like me. Except [it] was a he.


Not sure what the clock reading means. Is it the battery or is it the actual time?

Nice Mad Max name drop. But why italics?


Quoted Text
SEVEN
But I’m dying to get out of here, so [T]o me, it’s worth the risk.


A little less OTN.

This script is difficult to visualize. I don't even know where we are.

End of page 4. I'm gonna have to bail. The story's going nowhere. Did I miss the apocalypse?Title and logline are intriguing, but the execution doesn't do the idea justice.


FADE IN:
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Grandma Bear
Posted: May 6th, 2017, 7:48am Report to Moderator
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Glitch - Apocalypse, Drama - The first child raised by AI, encounters a fellow human for the first time. 

Rating: 2
Thoughts: This has potential.  I would've liked to know a little more than what was given.  But you can see some conflict in the setup, which is good.


TITLE: Glitch

STORY

Concept is fresh/and or original - 4

Theme is well executed/interweaved - 2

Stakes are clear/conflict is strong and or compelling - 3

Story - 2

Ending - 1

CHARACTER/DIALOGUE

Protagonist(s) is (are) likable and/or compelling - 3

Dialogue reads naturally/believable within this story - 2

Dialogue reveals character -  2

READABILITY

Action text "shows" instead of "tells" - 2

Overall readability - 2

Total: 2.3


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khamanna
Posted: May 8th, 2017, 2:22pm Report to Moderator
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Nice work, Dena, really sweet story. One of my favorites.
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Pale Yellow
Posted: May 14th, 2017, 11:26am Report to Moderator
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Thanks K... it was last minute and again done from my feature idea list so it was confusing and not well thought out or structured for a short.
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