A straightforward drama with some allegorical elements -- fine. The writing is smooth, and so's the storytelling. But.

Does Vicki make a choice, learn something, change, face something? As Steve says above, the final beat feels too much like luck.

Great imagery, but that central question -- what does Vicki learn/what do we learn? -- more or less sinks the whole thing, for me. Doesn't feel like a story of perseverance.

Story un-involving. Writing good. Imagery great.

There’s an apocalypse of sorts. And it happens while life is going on. And there will be some that will persevere.  Okay. I guess an apocalypse

I feel like we hit the word, “Persevere” a bit too often.  Other than that the writing is good. Dialogue a bit flowery in places but I’m guessing we’re going for a cultural flavor in those spots.

I don’t know what to suggest but it feels slow and plodding to me. Kinda moves like the tortoises Maybe it’s intentional. Like we’re trying to capture the laid back attitude of the islands?  

It's definitely solid work. It's just the pace that bothers me.

I'm on a fence with this as well. Good news: You write really well and I found myself really studying HOW you write as I read through to the end. Bad news: I wasn't hooked by any character or spiraling conflict. I knew that there had to be some apocalyptic aspect eventually, so that kept me going.

Great writing! Overall, I think I enjoyed it.

P5 a slow read for me, due to the love for detail I believe; so, I won't hold that against you. Impressive world you show and created. Whatever, writer, you got a heavy character count here so far…

P8 no apocalypse in sight
Okay, pre apocalyptic story, then boom.

Wow, I no way buy the meteor scenario - surviving in the water and that whole part (would expect the hell would break loose, storms and stuff to kill people like that). It reads, as if a blast wave came, that only has consequences to human bodies. I wasn't expecting such story decisions of you since I found everything else pretty smooth until then.

To me, it's a huge adventure flick that not perfectly fits into this short script challenge. However, you definitely completely dragged me into this world where I spend a while on a atoll, what was an enjoyable, unique experience. Still, I found you got too many scenes and characters here. It's noticeable that a lot of work went into this script. All in all, a very imaginative and memorable take. Good Job.

This is really well written, formatting, typos, grammar... all really strong.

Get a good visual sense of where we are and what is going on, but...

The first ten pages are like the setup for an episode of Murder in Paradise, and they're good, but...

The apocalypse bit, which isn't really one, doesn't start till page ten.

The following the tortoises and going underwater is clever (not sure it'd work though), and the imagery of her emerging would be good but for me it felt like a bolt on to another script.

Logline - starts ok, then I get lost. Tsunami?  Ah ha...Indian Ocean, I'll go for bomb, if not Godzilla !

I liked this ...but... it actually feels like a feature film not a short.

For a short this had too many people with too many agendas

The animal evading danger is well known and sound. Many animals avoided the Boxing Day tsunami, for example.

Good concept and if your into writing a longer version, this may have legs

Ps - I got it wrong, meteor!!

One of my faves so far. Not much to really say here.

Quoted Text "She's a model, not a stripper"

On future rewrites. if you feel you need it, fight like the dickens to keep this line.


Well written, no stumbles.
Terrific work.

RE: Kofi -- If you give your character an unusual or unique name (or no first name), please state their gender from the get go; it'll save your readers a headache and a reread. A "younger version of his dad." Who's his dad?

The sealife "teams"?? Teems.

"How are they doing? We saw" extra space.

One letter in Manisha's name was not capped. MANISHA  
AUBEl should be AUBEL. Not a good start.


Not a very memorable script. I lost track of the plot, but then again, I'm beat. Maybe I'll come back to it.

This was very well written, very visual, but there was too much story - it felt more like the start of a feature than a short. It moves at too leisurely a pace - it seemed like most of the script was spent on set up and back story which would be fine if it was leading to a longer story, but as it is, it doesn’t work.

There were a few mistakes throughout (Camile’s (V.O.) disappearing, repetitive descriptions), but other than that, the writing was top notch.

The characters were well drawn out and interesting, but the whole meteor thing at the end felt tacked on to meet the requirements of the challenge (which I’m not entirely sure it did). If I were you, I’d forget the last few pages and see if there’s a better story there - you definitely have the set up for something bigger.

Great writing but a long drawn out story.

So I guess it was only small apocalypse at the end... enough to kill everything on the island except the  Sat phone on the bridge, those are indestructible.

Good to see the Tortoises getting justice becoming Turtles for a few minutes so the rats could die above the water.

This is the 2nd one I've read were someone straps on scuba gear goes underwater only to resurface with everyone dead and that one only took 3 pages

I like the title. I like the visuals at the beginning although I'm not sure I'm reading a story about lives of turtles and rats or people yet.

Very well written...almost so well it feels sterile. Let your hair down writer. Get a tattoo. You got writing chops but have some fun.

V.O. left off of Camile after the first one.

Nice visuals from underwater. Good job on visuals. Very good job.

is a buzz with life, as MEN  --do not think the comma is needed here.

Manisha's accent(dialogue) changes when she speaks to Vickie

I loved this little tale ...it was a bit slow at the beginning and throughout but I loved it. Glad Vickie persevered. Cute how you worked the title through the story. Nice job.

GREAT job.

I'm mixed on this one. It's one of the best written, has some good characters and is generally well-constructed. My main issue deals with whether a single meteor strike fulfills the apocalypse requirement. It also seemed more like the story was abruptly interrupted by the meteor than the meteor playing a logically appropriate role in the story’s conclusion.

Perseverance - Apocalypse, Drama (but not Drama) - Life and death plays out on a secluded atoll in the Indian Ocean for the local population and an estranged couple, unaware of the coming destruction. 

Rating: 2
Thoughts: Okay, assuming there's some dramatic irony here (we know the end is coming but the couple doesn't), that could be interesting.


TITLE: Perseverance

STORY

Concept is fresh/and or original - 3

Theme is well executed/interweaved - 2

Stakes are clear/conflict is strong and or compelling - 2

Story - 3

Ending - 2

CHARACTER/DIALOGUE

Protagonist(s) is (are) likable and/or compelling - 1

Dialogue reads naturally/believable within this story - 2

Dialogue reveals character -  2

READABILITY

Action text "shows" instead of "tells" - 3

Overall readability - 3

Total: 2.3

Thanks to all who read and commented.  Special thanks to those that liked it!  

I was going to go with something different but decided on this (kinda this) on Wednesday, but then when I started writing on Thursday, tweaked some major things.

I spent many, many hours researching every little possible detail, and everything in here is real and fact.

My aim was to show life, good vs "bad" in the local animal life of the atoll played off against Vickie and her estranged husband, but apparently, that didn't quite get through to most.

I did have to edit out about 6 lines, but based on how my software was spacing, after deleting 8 lines, I was still 5 over, so had to make a few cuts that I didn't really want to.

When complete, I read through it, and although I really liked it, I did see that many would have a problem with the lack of story/plot.  The end was not tacked on at all, actually and this was a completely fresh idea and concept I came up with, and had hoped would play out more powerfully than it appeared to.

The meteor hit land near Dar es Saalam, Tanzania, which is far from highly populated, but picture a 1,000 mile radius in all directions, and you've got a shitload of death and what I definitely considered to be an apocalypse.  Actually, if I had another page left, I had some plans for more meteors to fall in other parts of the world.

I want to thank those that saw a few mistakes I made, as I always want to know, and am surprised I missed them, as this was edited at least 15 times, so my bad.

If anyone wants any exact questions answered, let me know, as I most likely have them.

Fun OWC for sure.  I thank The Swede and The Great Don, as well as everyone who participated...and for those who participated but didn't review, shame on you...seriously, shame on you, as just no reason to take but not give back.

Quoted Text If anyone wants any exact questions answered, let me know, as I most likely have them.

How exactly does a giant Tortoise survive underwater?
Turtles have webbed feet for a reason and Tortoise don't

Also do you think you could have dragged 2 sets of Scuba gear at one time?