Winter Bunkerland by Anonymous 14 - Short, Apocalypse, Dystopian, Drama - In a confined underground shelter, two children celebrate Christmas among an isolated community that represents the entire humankind. 6 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hey writer,

Short and very sweet. I liked it.

You chose a simple premise and decided not to drag it out, which was a great idea. The writing overall is pretty good, and I could visualise the bunker and all of its residents clearly. There's a couple of little bits of dialogue that should be tidied up, but they don't pull the whole thing down so they aren't of any real concern to myself.

Well done

Cam

Well...I read it all.

Not much to say, sorry to say, but there's very little here...in terms of story, characters, anything remotely entertaining or interesting.  I don't want to be mean, but this is just very, very blah, and I wan t to thank you for ending this on page 5.

Of 5 scripts, this is the best, but in terms of a grade, it's the first one I'll actually grade, and sadly, it's a 2 out of 5, because it's better than the minimum score of 1 for entering.

Needs alot of work in all regards, most notably story and characters.

It's simple but I liked it for its simplicity and no complicated twists and such.
Post-apocalypse, real family, real life, real Christmas.
A sweet little script.

Not loving the title or logline. I'm a title type of reader I guess... it really matters I mean it's the first thing your eyes see (maybe that's way).

I do love the page count. For me.. and most shorts I have watched in festivals..they all run 5-8 minutes(most do) so this is my liking for a short script pagewise.


Mrs. President (like this)

Well it's short a sweet. I"m a bit confused at the end. Did the parents send the kids in the present room to die? I'm slow maybe this morning. Anyway a bit of confusion or you could play up the END is here stuff more to make the parents decision more gut wrenching maybe.

Overall good job.

Well, I'm happy that this one had an upbeat ending. Unfortunately that's about the only thing going for it. There really isn't much of a story.

The writing was good enough, but it did kind of drag for a 5 pager.

The dialog was incredibly clunky and wasn't natural at all. Really took me out of the story.

Good job on entering though.

~Zack~

Hi writer,

Great visuals/descriptions to portray the machinations of a human underworld. I liked it but, I think those fluorescent decals would be more friendly than using aerosols in a bunker. That being, I could spray paint something in just my garage and have those fumes linger for a week.

The tale itself is short but, not short on meaning. People doing whatever they can to ensure the propagation of the Christ and human morals/ethics remain for all generations, even when faced with the most dire of situations. A good, wholesome story caught in just a few pages, works well for what it is. Best of luck.

I like basing an apocalyptic story on Christmas... not sure I love the title.

harmless little script.  dialogue could use a pass or 2.

I really thought the kids were being put into some kind of death chamber... which, and man is this morbid, would have been so much better.  talk about your all time bleek endings... but it would have really been memorable.

either way, this is fine i guess.

Yeah, short pages!

Logline - doesn't do much, I feel I've read a lot of end of world bunker stories

Let's see

Tricky opening to pull off, which doesn't quite happen - needs a bit of time

Had potential, but didn't leave an impression...except the conflict of kids at Xmas in that world is sound.

I can't quite put my finger on this but it has REAL potential just needs to catch us unaware - it needs an end that startles

The more I ponder, the more this is fine work

An elaborate opening shot and elaborate prose like descriptions but very little story or character development.

The dialogue is there simply to tell us the human race is done for, not sure why but we are, and now we just have to choose how to go quietly into the night. This suggests the children and everyone else is going to be euthanized - Merry Christmas everybody! And that's it really, there's nothing more to it.

Some great imagery in this script but not enough meat on the bones (story) for my tastes. With more to chew on (why am I obsessed with food references?) this may have a lot more potential.

-Mark

Title suggests a comedy or at least a lighthearted tone.  Can’t say the logline does much to hook me in.  Mildly interested to see what this world comprises though - I’m getting a Xmas tear jerker vibe...  The ‘entirety’ of humankind might be a better way of putting it should you take this further…

Not a great opening.  I’m having trouble visualizing a ‘flat earth crust’.  More so with a storm pushing ‘dark particles along’.  Is this a particular kind of storm?  

I like how you introduce us into this bunker world through the chimney but there could be a cleaner way to go about the preceding description.

For a moment there I was worried for the kids, thinking you were going fully dark with this, so it works on that level.  Glad to see you didn’t go that route - would've been the worst present room ever…  Overall I kind of liked it.  Ending was a surprise - the simple things bringing unexpected pleasure.  I almost wanted to spend a little more time getting to see a bit more of this world.

The conversation between Miranda and Erica seems oddly formal considering there’s only a handful of them left - feels like that would’ve been done away with long before.  Otherwise a decent premise, maybe one to come back to.

And I always thought the way you spelled it was H-E-L-E-N.  Shows what I know.

It was both a fun and touching little story (and short! so bonus points) once I got past the first page. For some reason the description of the place didn't resonate with me. I'm also curious what happened to send them down there in the bunker.

I did like the ending and it was interesting to think of them as being stuck in a cave like the cavemen of old, with carvings of what life was like outside.  So some good symbolism there.

Overall a nice effort here.

Best,
Gary

Nice story, had me going I thought the kids were going to be snuffed out by gas, but Not..lol..good one

I thought it was okay.  It was a simple story.  

It's true that kids don't know better.  And they are easy to keep at bay...

For some reason, I got a fallout 3 vibe.  I could see the Overseer doing something like this to keep the kiddies at bay...

It felt like a snippet of life, rather than a total story...

Not bad.

Dan

Opening above the FLAT EARTH'S CRUST is a strange way of saying we open looking down on the earth.

The camera flies down the chimney??? Just making sure.

Their only source of drinkable water just gets wasted into a drain?

Well that was short. And strange.

No conflict. Not much of a plot. The Christmas present is touching but is not strong enough for an entire short story. Why bother with a president and general if humanity has been reduced to just 6 people? But still they talk of one day restoring humanity?

Very very weird.

It was a nice and quick read. The 2 mile high chimney was kinda ridiculous but it doesn't matter. Like Conz, I thought they were going to gas the kids in the chamber. Sick and twisted but more memorable.

Good work. Kudos for entering!

I picked this one next because it's short.

How do you "tear open" A STEEL DOOR? ?)

"worn-out presidential uniform"

"Mom" and "Mommy," "Ma," etc., when used as names, need to be capitalized.

"You[,] too, sweethearts."

"Wow, they're really fine this morning?" Is this supposed to be a question... or a declaration of confusion?

Abbreviations (and numbers) need to be spelled out. Mister, Missus, Miss, Sergeant, General, Doctor, etc.

Two people don't "squats," they squat.

Santa Claus is the character. The Santa Clause is the Tim Allen movie.

Wow. Short and sweet. Nice title, logline, and writing.  

3 - The exposition here needs a device. Some vital experiment that's just failed, some retrieved data that's just been decoded...something visual to land this beat. 'Cause it's a big one.

It's cute enough. None of the vital ups and downs. Getting the project done could create some problems -- the kids aren't allowed to go somewhere, etc.

I think it's quite an innovative idea for a cute Christmas story, but even cute Christmas stories need a little more conflict.

Breezy read.

yeah a 5 pager!

Not much of a storyline. They all get in the bunker survive the apocalypse, I thought we were in for a horrific ending but sadly no.  

Well bittersweet as it was not much of a twist.

Nice writing
Story ok

Good job on entering

Nice title!

Short and effective, reminded me of something but cant quite place it.

I was sure then would see the kids as a sacrifice to Santa to feed the rest of the colony, that's me and my dark sensibilities again!

Decent effort

Pressing dark particles along. So, it’s a dust storm?
Why is there a chimney two miles high? Is the entire underground community supposed to be breathing through a giant straw?
The dialogue from the adults sounds stilted and unnatural.
The entire “bunker community” consists of seven people? Awfully small group.
I’m afraid the last sentence doesn’t make sense to me – “The children's smiles might be worth to persevere, at least for a further year, in Bunkerland.”

Writer,

Hmm. Very good writing, I thought. Was gonna call you out on the generator and it's source until you explained it a few passages down. Still, the ending lost me. I'm guess that they killed themselves in this room? Or maybe not. Or maybe this just went over my head. If anything, this could have used a bit more clarity at the end to find out what happened to these people, especially the children. Character-wise, there was no one in particular to grasp onto, and that lost me because there has to be someone (or something) to grasp onto to give this script some life, and your characters depth. This didn't have that, and it was hard for me to get invested.

Steve

A short, sweet little piece. I liked it a lot. It's just the right length and doesn't overstay it's welcome. I don't have much to add.

Winter Bunkerland - Apocalypse, Dystopian, Drama - In a confined underground shelter, two children celebrate Christmas among an isolated community that represents the entire humankind.

Rating: 1
Thoughts: Zero conflict inherent in the premise.  That could be a theme you talk about with the writers here maybe?  For example, in the above premise (giant bees and exterminators) we see the conflict. Here I'm just imagining two kids chatting.  There's nothing dramatically interesting about that.


TITLE: Winter Bunkerland

STORY

Concept is fresh/and or original - 4

Theme is well executed/interweaved - 4

Stakes are clear/conflict is strong and or compelling - 2

Story - 3

Ending - 3

CHARACTER/DIALOGUE

Protagonist(s) is (are) likable and/or compelling - 2

Dialogue reads naturally/believable within this story - 3

Dialogue reveals character -  2

READABILITY

Action text "shows" instead of "tells" - 4

Overall readability - 4

Total: 3.1

Thanks for reviewing and commenting my entry.

It's the first time, I think, that I'd agree with about 90+ % of the reviews, no matter if they addressed positive or negative aspects.

Somehow it feels good when you do something and the reader can identify the project so that there is no significant differences to the kind of story I personally aim for. Since most of you constantly write for dozens of readers in the OWCs, I think you know what I mean here.

Logline critique was fair although I think Carson could have given more attention to the titles. I mean, if you or me have a title that is no way generic and heard before, and correct me if I'm wrong Winter Bunkerland qualifies in this respect (even if possibly a bit weird to some), then there should be at least one point more on the table. But perhaps my logline was a zero … so… fair.

Thanks to the anonymous reader as well. She/he also gave me a completely comprehensible scoring, and the more negative points "clear stakes/conflict", "characters" and "characterization via dialogue" were 100% correct and I was sure about this definite issue.

When it comes to this overall conflict debate, I can say, a plotting with conflict simply wasn't a part of my concept. There's really just that one twist in the end.

The script is even exactly the version of no possibilities, no movement anymore, no fight to get out. It's the dystophia of a disappearing humanity. And, in general, stories imo don't always have to focus on confrontation. Experience, original picture, and concept can make a movie too. A bold example might be Jurassic Park: There I always prefer the exposition line for one hour and more (with zero direct conflict between characters) over the second part where they run for their lives and reveal character.

On another note - many of you dropped words like cute, sweet, and nice. I was afraid first because there's a certain saying in my country that reads: "nice is the little sister of s***". So, I thank you that, regarding writer's choice, you used your words in an honest way and not kind of sarcastic.

Ahhh almost forgot: One point I missed where I should have given a much better impression -- The graffiti. I personally imagine the painting about  "who we are/have been" as the greatest stuff a graffiti artist ever brought to the wall, regarding this subject - historical documentation of people and planet earth. Imo that should look amazing -- and unfortunatley my description wasn't delivering the emorional impact very well. It should be candy for the eye there, and even make the whole damn movie, seeing those children happy in front of that artwork. For the viewer it could be the big bang that makes a big impression to the heart before we fade to black.

Enough of me,
and thanks again.

Hey, Alex.

Nice script! It's a feel-good story and that's where "cute, sweet" come from, I guess. Actually first time I see from you a feel-good story - and you did real well. Congrats on that!

Quoted from khamanna Hey, Alex. Nice script! It's a feel-good story and that's where "cute, sweet" come from, I guess. Actually first time I see from you a feel-good story - and you did real well. Congrats on that!

Thanks Kham, I wouldn't have thought you're behind Snackula and there you equally showed another side.  You got a pm.