Pranks For Nothing by Anonymous 115 - Short, Apocalypse, Comedy, YA - A teenager tackles his little brother's pranks. April Fools anyone? 15 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hey writer,

I'll go easy here, but I fear some may go a little bit harder.

Firstly, I'm fairly certain it was a 12 page limit, so you've gone over that which, for myself anyway, pretty much rules the script out before you start. I think it's a 12 page limit anyway?? If not, I've left myself short. But I did read it all.

There's a good few typos in there which need fixing, and you could really chop a lot of the dialogue out, which would have sorted the page count issue. There's elements of comedy, and in parts it's quite a cute and funny portrayal of a family unit and friend, but it just didn't click and seemed a bit all over the place.

One thing you should be commended on. There's a YouTube video of some Aussie muso called Darren Hanlon (not many Aussie's even know about this genius), but in between songs he mused that zombie apocalypses are always exceptionally realistic on film, with the exception that they've never heard of or seen one on the TV before. At least you've picked on it's similarities to something out of a movie, and referenced it, which is refreshing!

Anyway, needs a good bit of grafting and chopping to get this to work, but well done on entering.

Cam

I double checked to make sure and yes, it's a 12 page limit so this will probably cost you points. As it is, this was only my 4th script so I did read it. By the time I get to 20+ I probably would have just stopped as soon as I realized it's over the page limit.

However, I did read it and I'm sorry to say I didn't like it or find it that funny. Comedy is subjective so don't take that personally.

It was a lot of talking, you could have easily trimmed this down to 12 and not lost a single thing. It was all over the place, pranking and then not pranking.

The comedy seemed to only truly kick in once the actual mutant pizza man arrived and then it went all Naked Gun style, which I do actually like. If it had been in this style from the beginning it may have worked better but for me it didn't.

-Mark

Someone had a good time writing this.  The story, such as it is, is a sprawling collection of one-liners and unlikely coincidences.  I love how the parents' plan to pull a zombie apocalypse practical joke on their kid falls on the exact same day of an actual zombie apocalypse.  Also, the emergency bunker in the basement that father and son just recently finished to surprise mom.  LMAO, what are the odds?  

It's a shame the writer couldn't have trimmed this down to 12.  There were quite a few scenes and lines of dialogue that could have been easily cut which would have tightened up the story.  Good effort, just need to take a machete to this thing for the edit.

This script is all tell and no show.

Very over written with characters talking needlessly about things of little importance.

The actual inciting event starts on page 11 (11!) when news of an apocalypse hits the airwaves and the family reacts by going into the bunker.

Sorry. Maybe if this was much shorter and had more to it. Yet ANOTHER Script with one gag. I know these are shorts but man, how hard is it to come up with an actual story instead of a throwaway gag?

No surprises, not funny, typos and overwritten. Could've edited by 25%. It started off like a 1950's sitcom with the dialog and may have been better if it was set back then. A good time as ever to surprise Mom?

Kudos for entering.

So, it’s over the page limit.
And, in the first three pages I find myself having to reread Jake’s dialogue to understand it.
I guess these people are supposed to sound like the Cleaver family from Leave it to Beaver?
Oh. It's a comedy. Sorry. Not my kind of comedy.
Okay, no.  Started skimming at page 6. Trying to stick with it to see if it’s actually apocalyptic.
Ah-ha. It's an April Fools/apocalypse/comedy/apocalypse/April Fools thing.

Well, it is the APRIL OWC.

(FART noise)

Sorry. Not my thing.

Logline - a little short and lacking info, but I get an idea

Into page 14 - not sure it needed all that time.

The juxtaposition of death and zombies with the slapstick nature of the family at the end has some potential, I just feel it was like there were two different stores in this (1) aprils fool (2) how to survive an attack whilst wearing a smile and some nice perfume...

I would focus on one of these, probably the later. I.e. A joyful family whilst the world ends

14 pages long?  14?  That's not even remotely close, and usually I wouldn't even bother with it, but I'm gong to give it a shot anyways.

A SUPER comes after the Slug and usually after the opening line of action/description.

"thats" - "That's".  "Its" - "It's" - need to learn about apostrophes.

2 pages in and I can see why this thing is running so long - a ton of dialogue that doesn't really add anything, but gives us some background that's supposed to be funny?

Lots of orphans aren't helping the page count, either.

Page 6 - Using "Argh" in dialogue is a true giveaway to a pisser.  Trust me, I know...I've done it.  I just don't find anything remotely funny here and I don't want to continue on another 8 pages, sorry to say.

No grade

i'm a comedy guy, so let's see...

when's this story gonna start?  I'm on page 4 already

so much of this dialogue doesn't need to be hear.  I can already ax almost 2 pages.

this is goin on too long, I'm on page 8, feels like page 20.

pretty elaborate prank that i'm sure is gonna somehow blow up in their faces, right?

this just went on forever.  sorry.  you went over the contest page limit when this could have been like 8 pages if you just cut dialogue.  

an april fools prank leads to an actual zombie invasion - decent idea in theory, but this isn't the execution.

ending on a fart joke should be a criminal offense.

Over the page count and for once it's not mine lol

Took a few pages to get going, I could see where it could be trimmed.
I like the happy go lucky parents always full of optimism. The humor was hit and miss. I actually thought Jake shouldn't have been so acceptance of the real apocalypse. He should have have just doubted it right the way through into the bunker... would have made for more humor IMO

anyways  an easy read and a decent storyline

Good job on entering

Title’s okay for a short comedy.  Logline doesn't hold a lot of promise - if anything it telegraphs the 'twist'.

I’m guessing a boy who cried wolf type scenario.  Prank apocalypse turns real...the world ends…

Four pages to get the parents out of the house was too much.  Lots of unnecessary dialogue that seemed to wander into stilted exposition.  Toby’s set-up as the prankster but he’s consigned to the background for the most part which doesn't help.  Too obvious to hold any sense of mystery.  The humour started to pick-up a little towards the end but overall it misses the mark for me.    

Agreed this should have started with the parents leaving rather taking four pages to get them out of the house. The story started picking up once they did, but I'm confused at the logic of the parents showing up at the house later as zombies. It was too coincidental. Still, some funny moments here and probably would be easy to film.

Best of luck,
Gary

I actually thought that the script had moments.  It was far too long, but, it did have a laugh or 2.  

I found the parents to be dumb.  So, Sam askes if

oh SPOILERS
if it's okay if he has sex with his wife if he bites it and he's okay with that, and so is the wife??

eh

they were far too calm and far too prepared and just far too much.

I thought it was cute, but, man, lots of "wow, aren't they lucky."   The pizza man was the best part of the story.

Best of luck
Dan

Writer,

Okay - first I thought this was just poorly written by a new writer, and I was only gonna read a few pages and bail. Then I kept reading, reading. April Fools, mate with your wife, then a loud fart rips. Lol. Love it. Pisser time!

Steve

P.S. Sorry if this was a serious attempt.

Well, this seemed like some of the script came from a 50s sitcom... but other bits were contemporary, I've a tin ear for comedy but a couple of bits made me smile.

My main problem with the narrative was that the twist(s) were too obvious and didn't surprise, I almost think that having the pizza guy been completely fine would have been funnier.

I won't mention page count, that seems to have been mentioned once or twice

But I do think this could have been tightened a little.

It's the first script I had to skim. In all fairness, I probably skimmed two pages of material.  So, for me the page count was perfect. If Steve is right and this is a pisser, nice job.

If not, dialogue was clearly disingenuous and it seemed like this entire script was purposely made to be one big fart joke. Being a YA, maybe it would work. My three year old boy loves fart jokes. Good news is I was able to find some enjoyment in reading it. The same enjoyment you get out of watching really bad Kung fu movies.

Cut out anything that doesn't move the plot forward and your script will be a lot easier to get through.

Dave F

Hmmm is this a pisser?

Lots of typos. Weird one liners.

Way over page limit. Next owc I want to suggest 5 - 7 page count. PLEASE.

This one wasn't for me. Sorry. Good for completing.

Page count will influence my voting later …

P10 is overwritten – Rachel's dialogue at the top of the page, exactly at this point, I felt it's wrong, just too much.
And anyway, there's a lot explanation on this page which could need cut and polishing.

Otherwise, I buy that whole stuff so far and I'm not sure if that's a good thing about me from a mental point of view. The script is so deliberately different and borderline wacko -- however it delivers such a precise tone, charm, and balance. It's very good imo. Very good.

P12 lol and it continues: "The Zombies are at our door already" Hahahaha. The constant on the nose dialogue hits me so hard.

That said, the last punchline should be rethought.

For sure, those are fictive comedy characters, no real people, but whatever, everything within your script works precisely for the overall concept. This vision of madness and stupidity, if I may call it so, is self-determined and specific. Full on risk. Impressive work of you, writer!

Lots of typos, grammar, and punctuation issues. I called both twists early on, but still loved the story. The "repopulation" by screwing the mom threw me for a loop, but(t) the fart joke was hilarious! Do they ever get old?

You went way over the page limit, but dammit, it was worth it.

I'm gonna give you high marks just off the strength of the story.

P.S. The only Ballroom Blitz I know is the song.

Pranks For Nothing - Apocalypse, Comedy, YA - A teenager tackles his little brother's pranks. April Fools anyone? 

Rating: 1
Thoughts: Do his pranks exist in the physical realm?  How do you tackle a prank?

TITLE: Pranks For Nothing

STORY

Concept is fresh/and or original - 3

Theme is well executed/interweaved - 3

Stakes are clear/conflict is strong and or compelling - 2

Story - 2

Ending - 1

CHARACTER/DIALOGUE

Protagonist(s) is (are) likable and/or compelling - 2

Dialogue reads naturally/believable within this story - 1

Dialogue reveals character -  1

READABILITY

Action text "shows" instead of "tells" - 3

Overall readability - 2

Total: 2.0

Hi guys thanks for the reads and reviews - special hi fives to Prussian, Chris B and a couple of others who 'got' what I was trying to achieve here lol! sincere apologies again for going over the page limit - I tried to cut more but didn't want to sacrifice any more of the  feel of the script. Cheers to Don for still allowing it, you're a legend, mate! Also I didn't have time to edit properly as it was finished right on deadline so there were some typos still in there - this was also due to using cutiepdf for the first time as my computer is too old now to produce readable Adobe ones lol

Vague influence of Shaun of the Dead for this, with all this crazy shit going down but a feeling of 'normalcy' happening with this oddball family. the father, Mike, is based pretty muc on Bryan Cranston's character in Malcolm in The Middle; Rachel the mom is, well, just a happy, quirky lady, who loves a prank as well.

The script did come out pretty much exactly as i planned - I chose to downsize my usual fullblown comedy to make it more family friendly, and I deliberately kept it as low budget as possible so it could be easily filmed if anyone wanted to use it. I'm not a fan of the open themes of these OWC's as the best scripts have come in the past from tigh restrictions - any newbies out there should check out the October 2010 OWC for some the best work that's been written in my time here and all due to the parameters. the challenge for me was to write a script that could be filmed - zombie makeup people are a dime a dozen even here in Oz, and Youtube has all types of crowd footage that could be used, for a fee I guess lol.

Anyway that's it. I was happy with it. No apologies for the fart ending - I was in a hurry and when in doubt, use a fart as my old granny used to say lol.

Oh, and Chris B? Ballroom Blitz is one of the maps on the multiplayer of Battlefield 1 which my son and I play relentlessly. Best game ever almost!!  

I liked this one.  Loads of social commentary packed in those pages.  The fart ending was both tragic and haunting.

Indeed, this was my favorite entry, although I actually dislike long short scripts passionately.

You come across like a person with lots of self-irony, but , and I hate butts, if you'd instead push it all a bit, slightly, in direction of the cold bloody markets, and make your fun there, then I believe you can have your visions on screen.

I'm myself in the pitching area right now, day by day: you wouldn't believe how funny that is…all those idiots and I'm in the middle.

A little motivation speech

Quoted from PrussianMosby Indeed, this was my favorite entry, although I actually dislike long short scripts passionately. You come across like a person with lots of self-irony, but , and I hate butts, if you'd instead push it all a bit, slightly, in direction of the cold bloody markets, and make your fun there, then I believe you can have your visions on screen. I'm myself in the pitching area right now, day by day: you wouldn't believe how funny that is�all those idiots and I'm in the middle. A little motivation speech

Hey cheers Alex! Glad you liked it!  Its sort of ironic as in past OWC's, I've written 'better' scripts but you haven't really warmed to a lot of those lol! So I was surprised - and stoked - that you dug this one. All the best, mate

Oh and cheers Ryan. I really liked Microcosm by the way - it was the only one I gave an Excellent to so good job. And good to see the impact a fart can have...

Quoted from stevie Hey cheers Alex! Glad you liked it!  Its sort of ironic as in past OWC's, I've written 'better' scripts but you haven't really warmed to a lot of those lol!

Might be. Possibly it's due to the fact that you work very free and independently (what is more than fine).  And with that you confront a world that imo stands still a little when it comes to individual approaches and sight on things. It's all classified today. Of course now I need to see what I said about your foregone scripts

@ I personally don't think you wrote a better script before (just reread your exact comment). haha. And that's no insult... Pranks is top, just misplaced in this realm........