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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    The April 2021 Challenge  ›  Duty Calls - 04C
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Don
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 11:38am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Duty Calls by Cheery Prawn 5 - Short, Action - External interruptions influence the performance of elite squad members and threaten mission success. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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jayrex
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 12:30pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Cut to three weeks earlier

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Not bad.

I got the impression right away what was going on from the get go.

Nice take on the theme.

Was this based on COD?


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 3:51pm Report to Moderator
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Not a gamer, so not sure if this was based on a real one?

I figured out where this was going, but it worked well for what it was.

Not entirely sure why it was in darkness though (apart from the OWC parameter)?

Decent effort.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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JEStaats
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 5:51pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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Totally saw this coming but enjoyed it since (gaming being a guilty pleasure) I had great mental images of what was taking place. The sound effects really brought it together.

Not much of a story, just a reveal at the end. Not sure how to put a story arc into this.

Good work, writer.
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eldave1
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 7:56pm Report to Moderator
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Okay - parameters met for sure.

I am not a gamer so I didn't see where this was going at all. So for me, it was a cool twist.

Could have been a little more in the ending -  for example, these dudes were teenagers and at the end - Mom calls them in for dinner or something.

Solid writing - pretty good effort - you got a lot in 4 pages.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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MarkItZero
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 9:47pm Report to Moderator
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Thought it nailed the lingo and feel of playing a game. Is that Battlegrounds they're playing? I don't play any of that stuff anymore, wish I had the time. Could maybe do with a bit more story but it works as a nice little day in the life of a gamer type deal.


That rug really tied the room together.
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Geezis
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 7:02am Report to Moderator
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There's always a single malt waiting for you.

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My wife is a Playstation widow as she calls herself as I play a LOT of Warzone in my time off so I completely get this. Been through this scenario plenty of times.
Very well done.


If at first you don't succeed........bribe someone.
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LC
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 8:37am Report to Moderator
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Clever premise. Just not sure you pulled off making us think this was reality, and then came in with the big reveal it was all a game.
Just a little too slick and transparent.

You'd surely need to avoid/delete lines like this one:
MAX
I'm only twelve, boomer.
DINO
I've got underwear older than you.
Your six!


Words like Stim too.

It blows your cover.

This needs finessing a bit more so that it carries emotion. Most games lack emotion, they're just full on action. Just my take on it. You certainly reproduced being right in the middle of the onslaught very well.



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Zack
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 10:46am Report to Moderator
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Looks like we've got ourselves a major COD fan here. Funny stuff, I enjoyed this quite a bit. Made me nostalgic for the good old 2009 days with Modern Warfare 2.

This did lose steam a bit towards the end. Needs a twist or something. Still, really good work here.
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Claudio
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 3:07pm Report to Moderator
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Great premise, super clever.

Once the circle started closing, I knew what was up  
And I figured the next page or so would be for the folks who aren't video game connoisseurs to catch up   *MLG airhorn*  

But, I think this went a page or two too long.
It's gotta be one of those stories where everyone catches up to the video game twist, but there's a second more personal or unsettling (etc.) realization.

I hope this gets an update, and hmu for that steam clan tag invite.

Good stuff~



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Gary in Houston
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 3:30pm Report to Moderator
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This had a lot of potential and lived up to it for the most part.  Good writing and world setting, but I think you let on too soon that you were in a video game.  That should have been the end reveal, because giving the clues halfway through sort of provides a let down, as the reader knows exactly where you're ultimately going with it.

Still, really liked the dialogue and back and forth.  Good job here and good luck with it.

Gary


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

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PKCardinal
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 3:38pm Report to Moderator
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The point of recognition for me was the precision airstrike. From there, I knew where we were going.

This was fun. If I had to make a suggestion, I'd say one page shorter and save the reveal for the very end. But, that's nit-picking.

Good job. I'm a gamer and this put me right in the game.


PaulKWrites.com

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Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
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Warren
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 7:33pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

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Hi writer,

Very well written and a clear, easy to follow read.

But, I am not your target audience for a script about gamers, I could feel myself checking out around page 3.

Not every script is going to appeal to everyone.

No issues with the craft, just not a fan of the story.

All the best.


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: April 19th, 2021, 2:52am Report to Moderator
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As a gamer who's played COD and a whole host of similar games, I appreciate this. I did suss it out it was a game on page 1 when he said "Great, a  hack" and I think it might have been nice to let the reader think this was a real war for a bit longer, but a solid effort.


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: April 19th, 2021, 3:32am Report to Moderator
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Hi Writer

Nice story with a good twist (and one that would only work without visuals) so nailed the parameters.

I think you revealed too much too soon for the twist though which made the whole thing feel slightly too long, as once you suss it, nothing more is thrown at us.
(Just spit-balling, but something like them arguing, a grown man shouting at a kid calling him a noob and whatnot, but then it turns out its father and son playing in adjacent rooms - I dunno, just an extra touch after we figure out the reality)

Nice job though.



Feature

42.2

Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it
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