Duty Calls by Cheery Prawn 5 - Short, Action - External interruptions influence the performance of elite squad members and threaten mission success. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Not bad.

I got the impression right away what was going on from the get go.

Nice take on the theme.

Was this based on COD?

Not a gamer, so not sure if this was based on a real one?

I figured out where this was going, but it worked well for what it was.

Not entirely sure why it was in darkness though (apart from the OWC parameter)?

Decent effort.

Totally saw this coming but enjoyed it since (gaming being a guilty pleasure) I had great mental images of what was taking place. The sound effects really brought it together.

Not much of a story, just a reveal at the end. Not sure how to put a story arc into this.

Good work, writer.

Okay - parameters met for sure.

I am not a gamer so I didn't see where this was going at all. So for me, it was a cool twist.

Could have been a little more in the ending -  for example, these dudes were teenagers and at the end - Mom calls them in for dinner or something.

Solid writing - pretty good effort - you got a lot in 4 pages.

Thought it nailed the lingo and feel of playing a game. Is that Battlegrounds they're playing? I don't play any of that stuff anymore, wish I had the time. Could maybe do with a bit more story but it works as a nice little day in the life of a gamer type deal.

My wife is a Playstation widow as she calls herself as I play a LOT of Warzone in my time off so I completely get this. Been through this scenario plenty of times.
Very well done.

Clever premise. Just not sure you pulled off making us think this was reality, and then came in with the big reveal it was all a game.
Just a little too slick and transparent.

You'd surely need to avoid/delete lines like this one:
MAX
I'm only twelve, boomer.
DINO
I've got underwear older than you.
Your six!

Words like Stim too.

It blows your cover.

This needs finessing a bit more so that it carries emotion. Most games lack emotion, they're just full on action. Just my take on it. You certainly reproduced being right in the middle of the onslaught very well.

Looks like we've got ourselves a major COD fan here. Funny stuff, I enjoyed this quite a bit. Made me nostalgic for the good old 2009 days with Modern Warfare 2.

This did lose steam a bit towards the end. Needs a twist or something. Still, really good work here.

Great premise, super clever.

Once the circle started closing, I knew what was up  
And I figured the next page or so would be for the folks who aren't video game connoisseurs to catch up   *MLG airhorn*  

But, I think this went a page or two too long.
It's gotta be one of those stories where everyone catches up to the video game twist, but there's a second more personal or unsettling (etc.) realization.

I hope this gets an update, and hmu for that steam clan tag invite.

Good stuff~

This had a lot of potential and lived up to it for the most part.  Good writing and world setting, but I think you let on too soon that you were in a video game.  That should have been the end reveal, because giving the clues halfway through sort of provides a let down, as the reader knows exactly where you're ultimately going with it.

Still, really liked the dialogue and back and forth.  Good job here and good luck with it.

Gary

The point of recognition for me was the precision airstrike. From there, I knew where we were going.

This was fun. If I had to make a suggestion, I'd say one page shorter and save the reveal for the very end. But, that's nit-picking.

Good job. I'm a gamer and this put me right in the game.

Hi writer,

Very well written and a clear, easy to follow read.

But, I am not your target audience for a script about gamers, I could feel myself checking out around page 3.

Not every script is going to appeal to everyone.

No issues with the craft, just not a fan of the story.

All the best.

As a gamer who's played COD and a whole host of similar games, I appreciate this. I did suss it out it was a game on page 1 when he said "Great, a  hack" and I think it might have been nice to let the reader think this was a real war for a bit longer, but a solid effort.

Hi Writer

Nice story with a good twist (and one that would only work without visuals) so nailed the parameters.

I think you revealed too much too soon for the twist though which made the whole thing feel slightly too long, as once you suss it, nothing more is thrown at us.
(Just spit-balling, but something like them arguing, a grown man shouting at a kid calling him a noob and whatnot, but then it turns out its father and son playing in adjacent rooms - I dunno, just an extra touch after we figure out the reality)

Nice job though.

Not a lot I can add that hasn't already been said by others.

I think it's well-written and the fast-pace gets you in from the start. But I also picked up early that it was a game. So maybe that could be concealed better.

Or maybe it just needs a twist upon the twist...

Anyhow, it's a good entry for this challenge. Well done.

Oh man, I'm not a gamer at all. Even antigamer. So, this was tough for me to read.

I'm not going to hold my personal tastes against this though as I should not.

It was just hard to get into it, but I'll either skip it when voting or give it a neutral vote.

Hi writer,

Yeah, the only gamer in this house is my daughter, an internet gamer, and she swears like a sailor over her headset when she’s blowing shit away, or up. That being said, I know the commitment involved and the effort put into this based on any and all video junkies in dire need of a good walk in the park, lol.

JK, but you might have actually needed someone to talk you down after writing this.

Or, maybe you don’t game and just did some serious research for this gig. Either way, great effort, realistic, entertaining and downright chaotic on every level, Best of luck.

Well written and as a gamer I seen how it was going.

Nice use of the parameters..

Good job overall

Man, I was a modder for COD and COD2, but I played in a tactical realism group and we didn't contend with twelve year old dicks. You got the lingo and the action, and I envision super realistic sound effects which really made me miss visuals here. And I think that would be the same for any gamer who'd be into this, audio only just isn't enough.

Aside from that, this is a slice of life piece. There isn't any story, no moral, it's just a day in the life of two gamers. It's cool, it's fun and was probably a blast to write, but it's surface level stuff. It did feel real though, so well done.

I’ll echo some of the sentiments of the others’. I like the idea behind this one, and it was a fun read, but I just didn't see much in the way of story to this. Admittedly I'm not a Gamer myself - so take my comments with a grain of salt, or the whole shaker. Best of Irish luck! -A

The sound effects and gameplay aspects were good. It’s almost like you were playing the game yourself. Two kids living vicariously in a world at war. I’d like to see what effect, if any, this immersion in video games has on the kids’ real world lives.

Writer,

Liked it. You had me until about page three. But until then, it was fast paced and tense, and nothing early on to suggest the reveal that was coming. Pretty good job for the direction you went in.

Steve

No surprise here. Gamers got it, non-gamers hated it. Live and learn.  

Know when to say when.

I should have known this was you! Great job, Dude.