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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    The April 2021 Challenge  ›  A Protocol - 04C
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  Author    A Protocol - 04C  (currently 1645 views)
Don
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 11:40am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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A Protocol by N/A - Short, Drama - A rule-abiding employee falls prey to restrictions set by her employer. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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jayrex
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 12:43pm Report to Moderator
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Cut to three weeks earlier

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Interesting take on the story.

If I were to read the logline first then the story, I'd see where you're coming from.  

But when I read the story first, I thought possibly that Laura was a robot.  Given the lines that came her way.


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eldave1
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 3:56pm Report to Moderator
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Definitely meets the parameters.

Despite some solid writing, I have to admit I am a bit confused. In the opening, Laura sounds like a robot (almost ready to say there is more of a sci-fi) – but then when he talks about her injury I am convinced she is human.

I also got a bit lost in what it was exactly her role was with the plane vs the customer service center and also a bit lost on the ending – it’s starting over again because??

I’ll give this one another read later – I enjoyed the writing – I’m just a bit confused on first blush.


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JEStaats
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 5:33pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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I'm confused. Is she in a coma? She can't be A.I.

Great writing on display but I'm lost. It's thought provoking because of that but can't wait to hear the writer's intent on this one.

Meets the parameters, for sure. Good work, writer.
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 5:46pm Report to Moderator
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Hmm, meets the criteria but Laura comes over as too robotic, I thought she/it was a computer until later into the script.

And I'm not sure if it's clear, but how did her not telling Client Services cause a plane to crash?

Liked the idea of her being on an endless loop, but not sure how/why.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Geezis
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 5:58pm Report to Moderator
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Meets the parameters and written well but confusing. Laura cannot divulge personal information but clearly identifies herself to the caller. So not a robot but someone clearly affected by a traumatic incident in which she didn’t follow protocols and people died. Not sure if that’s right but it could be. The male caller could be a victims relative tormenting her. Good entry.
Well done.


If at first you don't succeed........bribe someone.
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Claudio
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 12:34am Report to Moderator
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I liked the "purgatory" aspect of this one.

When Laura kept saying her dispatch number, it kinda took me out of the story. It felt like she was a short-circuiting robot, but I think she is supposed to be a soul stuck in a tortuous limbo.

Neat stuff~


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Gary in Houston
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 10:52am Report to Moderator
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So probably like everyone else, I thought Dispatcher 356189 was AI but the last couple of pages reveal she is not.  While this story is pretty interesting in the back and forth, it doesn't make sense to me.  How does a dispatcher have any control over what is happening with an airplane?  Maybe an air traffic controller, but not a dispatcher.  Kind of threw me for a loop there.  Otherwise well written and meets the parameters.  Best of luck with it.

Gary


Some of my scripts:

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MarkItZero
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 2:08pm Report to Moderator
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I have to say I was enjoying the hell out of it when I thought she was a robot. When it started it had that vibe of a vengeful man trying to get satisfaction but we aren't sure she's really capable of feeling remorse. There's tremendous possibly there.

Still not sure she isn't a robot. There is a line where he says she doesn't have arms or legs. Maybe she's in purgatory as a robot because that's how she acted in that fateful situation, robotic?


That rug really tied the room together.
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PKCardinal
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 3:17pm Report to Moderator
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I'm confused. Too bad, too, because I was really digging this.

AI? No. Person? Yes. I think. But, robotic. Stuck in the machine. The caller is trying to get the person to see that they are stuck. Which, if that's the case, this might be stronger without the confusing (and not explained) airplane angle.

Well written and worth the read, but could be even better.


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Warren
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 5:53pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

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Hi writer,

Is she stuck in some sort of limbo?

I'd be lying if I said I really got this one, sorry.

The writing and dialogue is pretty good but I just don't get it. I'll be interested to hear from the writer after the challenge as to what they were going for.

Congrats on getting an entry in.

All the best


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SAC
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 8:45pm Report to Moderator
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… but some dreams do

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Writer,

Not too sure I understood what was happening here. Was Laura dead? And who exactly was the caller who knew so much? These questions need answers, at least to me. Some good bits of dialogue, but overall did not work for me.

Steve


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: April 19th, 2021, 5:20am Report to Moderator
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This is good, just needs some work to make it clearer. I think Laura was getting calls from every one of the passengers she failed to save. However, making her sounding robotic throws the reader off and it's not clear what her role was in the crash and what she did or didn't do and why, apart from just saying Protocol.

Solid effort, just needs more.


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Matthew Taylor
Posted: April 19th, 2021, 9:48am Report to Moderator
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Hi Writer

You should have stuck with the A.I element rather than making her human who died(?) of a stroke. An A.I that fucked up because they couldn't reason or think as a human but then this caller, a ghost(?) forces feelings out of them, an evolving A.I who succumbs to mans biggest strength and flaw... emotions!

A valiant effort which with some work could end up being really good!

Best of luck

Matt


Feature

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Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it
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ReneC
Posted: April 19th, 2021, 7:10pm Report to Moderator
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Hmm...this is murky for sure. I also thought she was a robot at first, but then it's clear she isn't. It might be that she's so traumatized by her failure to speak up about a problem with the plane that she's disassociated with reality, and her guilt is manifesting in this weird loop to punish herself. Which is cool, but I'm stretching really hard to come up with that because it isn't really on the page.

The dialogue is really good. I actually liked her using her dispatch number as an identity. It's just a shame the ending is clouded in confusion. Otherwise a solid entry.


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