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A Protocol - 04C (currently 1644 views) |
Don |
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 11:40am |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16381 Posts Per Day 1.94 |
A Protocol by N/A - Short, Drama - A rule-abiding employee falls prey to restrictions set by her employer. - pdf format
Writer interested in feedback on this work |
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------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
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jayrex |
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 12:43pm |
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Old Timer Cut to three weeks earlier
LocationLondon, UK Posts1420 Posts Per Day 0.22 |
Interesting take on the story.
If I were to read the logline first then the story, I'd see where you're coming from.
But when I read the story first, I thought possibly that Laura was a robot. Given the lines that came her way.
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eldave1 |
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 3:56pm |
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January Project Group
LocationSouthern California Posts6874 Posts Per Day 1.95 |
Definitely meets the parameters.
Despite some solid writing, I have to admit I am a bit confused. In the opening, Laura sounds like a robot (almost ready to say there is more of a sci-fi) – but then when he talks about her injury I am convinced she is human.
I also got a bit lost in what it was exactly her role was with the plane vs the customer service center and also a bit lost on the ending – it’s starting over again because??
I’ll give this one another read later – I enjoyed the writing – I’m just a bit confused on first blush.
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Reply: 2 - 27 |
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JEStaats |
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 5:33pm |
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Old Timer No sh*t, there I was....
LocationTucson, AZ Posts1735 Posts Per Day 0.62 |
I'm confused. Is she in a coma? She can't be A.I.
Great writing on display but I'm lost. It's thought provoking because of that but can't wait to hear the writer's intent on this one.
Meets the parameters, for sure. Good work, writer. |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 5:46pm |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4319 Posts Per Day 1.14 |
Hmm, meets the criteria but Laura comes over as too robotic, I thought she/it was a computer until later into the script.
And I'm not sure if it's clear, but how did her not telling Client Services cause a plane to crash?
Liked the idea of her being on an endless loop, but not sure how/why. |
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Reply: 4 - 27 |
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Geezis |
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 5:58pm |
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January Project Group There's always a single malt waiting for you.
LocationGlasgow, Scotland Posts411 Posts Per Day 0.27 |
Meets the parameters and written well but confusing. Laura cannot divulge personal information but clearly identifies herself to the caller. So not a robot but someone clearly affected by a traumatic incident in which she didn’t follow protocols and people died. Not sure if that’s right but it could be. The male caller could be a victims relative tormenting her. Good entry. Well done. |
| If at first you don't succeed........bribe someone. |
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Reply: 5 - 27 |
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Claudio |
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 12:34am |
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January Project Group
LocationLos Angeles Posts102 Posts Per Day 0.06 |
I liked the "purgatory" aspect of this one.
When Laura kept saying her dispatch number, it kinda took me out of the story. It felt like she was a short-circuiting robot, but I think she is supposed to be a soul stuck in a tortuous limbo.
Neat stuff~ |
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Reply: 6 - 27 |
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Gary in Houston |
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 10:52am |
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January Project Group
LocationTexas Posts1306 Posts Per Day 0.32 |
So probably like everyone else, I thought Dispatcher 356189 was AI but the last couple of pages reveal she is not. While this story is pretty interesting in the back and forth, it doesn't make sense to me. How does a dispatcher have any control over what is happening with an airplane? Maybe an air traffic controller, but not a dispatcher. Kind of threw me for a loop there. Otherwise well written and meets the parameters. Best of luck with it.
Gary |
| Some of my scripts:
Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner The Gambler (short) - OWC winner Skip (short) - filmed Country Road 12 (short) - filmed The Family Man (short) - filmed The Journeyers (feature) - optioned
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MarkItZero |
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 2:08pm |
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Old Timer
Posts1007 Posts Per Day 0.35 |
I have to say I was enjoying the hell out of it when I thought she was a robot. When it started it had that vibe of a vengeful man trying to get satisfaction but we aren't sure she's really capable of feeling remorse. There's tremendous possibly there.
Still not sure she isn't a robot. There is a line where he says she doesn't have arms or legs. Maybe she's in purgatory as a robot because that's how she acted in that fateful situation, robotic? |
| That rug really tied the room together. |
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PKCardinal |
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 3:17pm |
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January Project Group
LocationKansas Posts1447 Posts Per Day 0.63 |
I'm confused. Too bad, too, because I was really digging this.
AI? No. Person? Yes. I think. But, robotic. Stuck in the machine. The caller is trying to get the person to see that they are stuck. Which, if that's the case, this might be stronger without the confusing (and not explained) airplane angle.
Well written and worth the read, but could be even better. |
| PaulKWrites.com
60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature
Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror |
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Reply: 9 - 27 |
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Warren |
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 5:53pm |
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Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.36 |
Hi writer,
Is she stuck in some sort of limbo?
I'd be lying if I said I really got this one, sorry.
The writing and dialogue is pretty good but I just don't get it. I'll be interested to hear from the writer after the challenge as to what they were going for.
Congrats on getting an entry in.
All the best |
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Reply: 10 - 27 |
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SAC |
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 8:45pm |
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Of The Ancients … but some dreams do
LocationUpstate NY Posts3201 Posts Per Day 0.79 |
Writer,
Not too sure I understood what was happening here. Was Laura dead? And who exactly was the caller who knew so much? These questions need answers, at least to me. Some good bits of dialogue, but overall did not work for me.
Steve |
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Reply: 11 - 27 |
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MarkRenshaw |
Posted: April 19th, 2021, 5:20am |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts2335 Posts Per Day 0.59 |
This is good, just needs some work to make it clearer. I think Laura was getting calls from every one of the passengers she failed to save. However, making her sounding robotic throws the reader off and it's not clear what her role was in the crash and what she did or didn't do and why, apart from just saying Protocol.
Solid effort, just needs more. |
| For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK |
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Reply: 12 - 27 |
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Matthew Taylor |
Posted: April 19th, 2021, 9:48am |
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January Project Group
LocationShakespeare's county Posts1770 Posts Per Day 0.89 |
Hi Writer
You should have stuck with the A.I element rather than making her human who died(?) of a stroke. An A.I that fucked up because they couldn't reason or think as a human but then this caller, a ghost(?) forces feelings out of them, an evolving A.I who succumbs to mans biggest strength and flaw... emotions!
A valiant effort which with some work could end up being really good!
Best of luck
Matt |
| Feature
42.2
Two steps to writing a good screenplay: 1) Write a bad one 2) Fix it |
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ReneC |
Posted: April 19th, 2021, 7:10pm |
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Old Timer
LocationVancouver, BC Posts1435 Posts Per Day 0.31 |
Hmm...this is murky for sure. I also thought she was a robot at first, but then it's clear she isn't. It might be that she's so traumatized by her failure to speak up about a problem with the plane that she's disassociated with reality, and her guilt is manifesting in this weird loop to punish herself. Which is cool, but I'm stretching really hard to come up with that because it isn't really on the page.
The dialogue is really good. I actually liked her using her dispatch number as an identity. It's just a shame the ending is clouded in confusion. Otherwise a solid entry. |
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ghost and_ghostie gal |
Posted: April 19th, 2021, 9:35pm |
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Old Timer
LocationA helluva long way from LA Posts1565 Posts Per Day 0.29 |
Ok, fudged my way through a second pass, Initially, I was a bit lost at sea. I bit more clarity upfront would help. No qualms with the writing. Good bits of dialogue. Anywaz, best of Irish luck! -A |
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Reply: 15 - 27 |
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Craig Macken |
Posted: April 20th, 2021, 3:58pm |
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New out of my depth
LocationLand of Oz Posts25 Posts Per Day 0.02 |
There is a lot in this. And I'm reading very chilling horror here, not drama. The Male Voice getting inside her head and reducing her to a robot.
Unless I'm reading it wrong... in which case, I'm as lost as Laura.
It's very well written though, and could be a great idea for a longer story.
Cheers |
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Gum |
Posted: April 20th, 2021, 4:19pm |
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Been Around
LocationSome travelling Circus... Posts832 Posts Per Day 0.42 |
Hi writer,
To be perfectly honest, I’m not sure what transpired here. I get a consensus that we’re dealing with an AI model, or integrated transmission grid of some airline that has farmed their existence over to a AI data system (booking, flight log info, arrivals, departures, etc.), or a training protocol pipeline run by a nefarious Alphabet agency…
I’ll try to explain it with a reference:
Jake Gyllenhaal starred in a movie called ‘Source Code' (2011), here’s the synopsis.
Army Captain Colter Stevens (Jake Gyllenhaal) finds himself working on a special program where his consciousness can be inserted into another human being. The only catch is he can only be there for 8 minutes at any given time. That morning, a bomb exploded on a commuter train just outside Chicago. He occupies the body of teacher going to work on that train and is confused as to what he is doing or why he is there as his last memory is of flying his helicopter on a combat mission in Afghanistan.
That’s my best guess as to where you might be heading with this script. Hope that resonates with what you were going for, not exactly, but in the same vein. It’s urbane yet twisted, best of luck. |
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Zack |
Posted: April 20th, 2021, 5:50pm |
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January Project Group
LocationErlanger, KY Posts4487 Posts Per Day 0.69 |
Strange tale. So Laura is in some sort of limbo? I like it, but I can't help but feel like I don't fully understand it. Good job on meeting the challenge. |
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irish eyes |
Posted: April 20th, 2021, 7:53pm |
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January Project Group There`s too much blood in my alcohol
LocationUpstate New York Posts1865 Posts Per Day 0.37 |
I had to reread this and I'm still confused.
Laura is a robot in limbo. That repeats itself from some guy who trying to make her remember, that she is responsible for a plane crash, even though she is only a dispatcher !!!
I'm really confused on this one
Good job on entering |
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MarkD |
Posted: April 21st, 2021, 2:34am |
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Posts142 Posts Per Day 0.10 |
Another Twilight Zone-esque story. Nice bits of dialog. There's no title page for some reason but that's a minor point. |
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Spqr |
Posted: April 21st, 2021, 12:09pm |
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Posts483 Posts Per Day 0.09 |
Laura keeps having the same “experience” over and over because of her overwhelming guilt over having followed protocol. I doubt any company would institute any policy that would result in loss of life (especially with personal-injury attorneys a dime a dozen), so the protocol that Laura followed seems like a MacGuffin. In any event, what would a dispatcher have to do with okaying an airliner to fly? What if, instead, she’s a TSA agent who let a bomber slip through? |
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Rob |
Posted: April 23rd, 2021, 6:05pm |
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Posts218 Posts Per Day 0.11 |
Seems like this dispatcher is in hell. This is a lesson to anyone who blindly follows protocol.
It would help to make the dispatcher's crime more clear. What role does this dispatcher play in the airport and what power does she have to inform flight crews about problems?
There were times when I thought the dispatcher was a robot.
The dispatcher says that she is sorry, but is doomed to repeat the call. Is there anything she can do to get out of this loop?
I like this generally, but there are some loose ends, which is the case for many scripts. |
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khamanna |
Posted: April 25th, 2021, 10:47am |
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January Project Group
Posts4194 Posts Per Day 0.79 |
I work as an interpreter and it kills me that I can't express my opinion during the interpretation even if I know better than the two conversing parties. Expressing an opinion is against the protocol at work. But my opinion is often based on the talk. They talk and I take notes - it's so easy to be the king and know everything better than them.
Usually it's doctors with their patients. And the patient may tell the doctor her story, the doctor interrupts, I don't get to finish the translation, the patient starts retellng but misses the important bit, the bit she may have mentioned before but got cut off. Or started mentioning and I inferred the thing she was saying before. In the first case if she every said something important, I can interfere and with the use of different protocol let the doc know. If I inferred something - I can. So, I wrote about a woman stuck in a limbo with her conscious. But I forgot you don't do the same job as me and can't know what I'm talking about. It's an easy fix, I got it right after I submitted. And the fact she's not a robot is an easy fix to.
Although Matt's suggestion - to make it all about a robot is a good one. It would be fun to read if someone wrote it. Maybe Matt should write it
Thanks for the reads, suggestions etc. And sorry to confuse each one of you. Each one, man |
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PKCardinal |
Posted: April 25th, 2021, 12:06pm |
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January Project Group
LocationKansas Posts1447 Posts Per Day 0.63 |
I work as an interpreter and it kills me that I can't express my opinion during the interpretation even if I know better than the two conversing parties. Expressing an opinion is against the protocol at work. But my opinion is often based on the talk. They talk and I take notes - it's so easy to be the king and know everything better than them.
Usually it's doctors with their patients. And the patient may tell the doctor her story, the doctor interrupts, I don't get to finish the translation, the patient starts retellng but misses the important bit, the bit she may have mentioned before but got cut off. Or started mentioning and I inferred the thing she was saying before. In the first case if she every said something important, I can interfere and with the use of different protocol let the doc know. If I inferred something - I can. So, I wrote about a woman stuck in a limbo with her conscious. But I forgot you don't do the same job as me and can't know what I'm talking about. It's an easy fix, I got it right after I submitted. And the fact she's not a robot is an easy fix to.
Although Matt's suggestion - to make it all about a robot is a good one. It would be fun to read if someone wrote it. Maybe Matt should write it
Thanks for the reads, suggestions etc. And sorry to confuse each one of you. Each one, man |
Wow. I actually really like the story you just told about the dr, the patient and the interpreter. You should write that one up. It could be REALLY powerful, especially as a statement on the failures of communication and/or the treatment of women by male doctors. |
| PaulKWrites.com
60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature
Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror |
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khamanna |
Posted: April 25th, 2021, 12:45pm |
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January Project Group
Posts4194 Posts Per Day 0.79 |
Wow. I actually really like the story you just told about the dr, the patient and the interpreter. You should write that one up. It could be REALLY powerful, especially as a statement on the failures of communication and/or the treatment of women by male doctors.
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That sounds a complicated redo. And also it would be a very sad story too close to real life and too believable. But I had to translate a talk once that churned my guts. A woman was complaining about a pain in her abdomen. She was scared to eat and couldn’t sleep at nights. But the nurse was like - well, ok, I’ll tell the doc sometimes this week. The nurse’s reaction was so unbelievable that I want to think it was a mock call. They do these sometimes to test our usage of protocols Thanks PK |
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Craig Macken |
Posted: April 25th, 2021, 7:46pm |
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New out of my depth
LocationLand of Oz Posts25 Posts Per Day 0.02 |
I work as an interpreter and it kills me that I can't express my opinion during the interpretation even if I know better than the two conversing parties. |
I hear you, Khamanna, and I feel for you. In my work, I've experienced international contract negotiations through an interpreter. I know it's a very difficult, stressful and thankless task. The interpreter then was well qualified to contribute to the discussion, but she wasn't allowed to... which I found frustrating. Just like you. I felt for her then, and I feel for you now. I could go on, but I won't. Thank you for sharing. Take care. |
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khamanna |
Posted: April 25th, 2021, 10:28pm |
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January Project Group
Posts4194 Posts Per Day 0.79 |
Thank you Craig. It's very much true.
Also, I noticed that I form a very educated opinion which is almost like not an opinion since it's almost a fact. I form opinions because I take notes. So their conversation is more in my memory and is given more attention from me rather than from them. |
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