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It Was Dark and Stormy - 04C (currently 1355 views) |
Don |
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 11:41am |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16426 Posts Per Day 1.93 |
It Was Dark and Stormy by John Silence - Short, Horror - A businessman learns there are some things you shouldn't try to exploit. - pdf format
Writer interested in feedback on this work |
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------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
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jayrex |
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 12:53pm |
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Old Timer Cut to three weeks earlier
LocationLondon, UK Posts1420 Posts Per Day 0.22 |
I like it. Has a comedic tone to it.
Has met the challenge. |
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Reply: 1 - 20 |
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ReneC |
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 1:17pm |
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Old Timer
LocationVancouver, BC Posts1435 Posts Per Day 0.31 |
I was wondering if that ending was coming, and it didn't disappoint. The premise is solid, the exposition is too much. Lots of back story that isn't really needed for the story, and not enough character. The ending does make it work though, good job there. |
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Reply: 2 - 20 |
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khamanna |
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 1:42pm |
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January Project Group
Posts4195 Posts Per Day 0.79 |
I read it twice and really liked it on the second read. On the first read the execution threw me off - and I think you could format all these SFX's as action for cleaner look.
So, nice script, idea and especially the ending. I think with cleaning up the format it could leave much better impression as its a very good script. |
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Reply: 3 - 20 |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 4:35pm |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4323 Posts Per Day 1.13 |
It's a neat idea but too difficult to achieve as a radio play, and that's why you've ended up with so much expositional dialogue...
Outside of the challenge I think this would be worth a re-write as a 'normal' script. |
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Reply: 4 - 20 |
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PKCardinal |
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 5:56pm |
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January Project Group
LocationKansas Posts1447 Posts Per Day 0.63 |
This idea works better as a conventional script than a radio play. In fact, it's kind of a cool idea for a bit bigger piece. That is, I think I'd enjoy reading the other side of the story - the building of the cages and trapping of the ghost.
Trying to wedge this idea into this format makes it feel smaller.
Still, I enjoyed it, despite an abundance of exposition. Good job. |
| PaulKWrites.com
60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature
Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror |
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Reply: 5 - 20 |
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JEStaats |
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 6:01pm |
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Old Timer No sh*t, there I was....
LocationTucson, AZ Posts1735 Posts Per Day 0.62 |
There's a lot to this and a lot of promise. As it is, it's good but needs to be cleaned up to be believable. FCC rules be damned in an emergency. He'd be happy to have anyone respond than to stick with protocol.
A premise to work with - give this more attention after the challenge to see what you come up with.
Good work, writer. |
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Reply: 6 - 20 |
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Geezis |
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 6:04pm |
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January Project Group There's always a single malt waiting for you.
LocationGlasgow, Scotland Posts411 Posts Per Day 0.27 |
I liked this. Written well and a decent story. Well done. |
| If at first you don't succeed........bribe someone. |
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Reply: 7 - 20 |
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Claudio |
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 12:42am |
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January Project Group
LocationLos Angeles Posts102 Posts Per Day 0.06 |
I like how this started, but I feel like it may have too many story threads.
The dialogue had to really explain a lot, and suddenly it was also a ghost story. I almost feel like there are two separate cool stories here. Maybe it needs another few pages, I dunno.
Good stuff, I'll definitely check out any future versions~ |
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Revision History (1 edits) |
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Reply: 8 - 20 |
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Gary in Houston |
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 1:06am |
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January Project Group
LocationTexas Posts1306 Posts Per Day 0.31 |
It was an interesting premise but I just had a question that bugged me: was Billy the ghost? If so, why would Billy — a ghost — be knocking on the door? Maybe I’m missing something. Still, pretty well written and think would do really well with a more visual medium. Best of luck, gary.
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| Some of my scripts:
Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner The Gambler (short) - OWC winner Skip (short) - filmed Country Road 12 (short) - filmed The Family Man (short) - filmed The Journeyers (feature) - optioned
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Reply: 9 - 20 |
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LC |
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 6:37am |
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Administrator
LocationThe Great Southern Land Posts7625 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
Okay, well that was pretty nifty overall.
All you need to is get rid of the blatantly (for the audience) lines e.g. Let’s see if generator is working… I hope someone’s on the ham band…
Look, just call the cops, will you? Why? I didn't get why at this point.
Okay, it kinda gets explained later.
The expo just makes Dave sound like a bad actor or a dullard at least. A lot to like here, but it needs fixing in spots.
Nice to read in different format, just don't spell everything out. Trust your audience.
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Reply: 10 - 20 |
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irish eyes |
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 7:15pm |
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January Project Group There`s too much blood in my alcohol
LocationUpstate New York Posts1865 Posts Per Day 0.36 |
Had to do a reread. Just felt overwritten for 4 pages.
Had a nice premise and the ending tied it together with Billy being the ghost.
Good job on entering |
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Reply: 11 - 20 |
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Warren |
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 9:00pm |
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Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.35 |
Hi writer,
So this is by far the heaviest exposition laden script I've read in the batch so far, and too be honest I thought there would be more considering the challenge, but this one bangs it on strong.
I can see why you needed it for this convoluted tale but it's just too much.
The idea is pretty good and would probably be better written as a visual script where you might be able to use a bit more subtlety and subtext but as is, this doesn't really get there for me.
I'm also not a fan of how the SFX were handled, I think you could have written them as action and achieved the same purpose.
Worth a rewrite outside of the challenge
All the best. |
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Reply: 12 - 20 |
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Matthew Taylor |
Posted: April 19th, 2021, 5:45am |
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January Project Group
LocationShakespeare's county Posts1770 Posts Per Day 0.88 |
Hi Writer
I somewhat enjoyed this - I would do away with all of the talking to himself at the beginning, or at least make it a bit more realistic.
Sort of ended with a fizzle though, was Billy knocking the door even though he is a ghost? or could he see someone about to knock the door? Quite a bit of room for improvement but liked it overall.
Best of luck
Matt |
| Feature
42.2
Two steps to writing a good screenplay: 1) Write a bad one 2) Fix it |
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Reply: 13 - 20 |
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MarkRenshaw |
Posted: April 19th, 2021, 5:50am |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts2335 Posts Per Day 0.58 |
Very creative and different. The use of SFX works here as well, I do wish I'd done that on mine now but I was wary of putting people off.
You do have to cram in a lot of exposition to get things across, but I've listened to a few audio Doctor Who audio dramas recently and they are filled with such exposition, so I think you are allowed more than a visual screenplay.
Solid effort. Well done. |
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Reply: 14 - 20 |
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