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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    The April 2021 Challenge  ›  Discovery - 04C
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  Author    Discovery - 04C  (currently 982 views)
khamanna
Posted: April 19th, 2021, 8:05am Report to Moderator
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So, I don't know if it's a format that throws me off or the dialog but it wasn't an easy read for me.

There's a flow to a dialog, but the events just happen and these people announce them to each other. I don't see people behind these events, their stories. I don't feel the urge, the tension.
Maybe just me.
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MarkItZero
Posted: April 19th, 2021, 2:19pm Report to Moderator
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I love the idea of this exciting discovery slowly turning into a realization they're all doomed. The execution isn't quite there though. A lot of it feels too technical and unemotional. I agree with what Khamanna said about focusing on the people behind the events more.


That rug really tied the room together.
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Craig Macken
Posted: April 19th, 2021, 9:09pm Report to Moderator
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I don't mind this, but it doesn't grab me. I kinda feel a script about such a devastating discovery should've drawn me in emotionally, but it didn't. Not sure why.

No problems with the format, dialogue etc... except for a couple of lines from Bethany.

'Wow. My Mum's going to flip.'   Is she a professional astronaut, or a 14-year-old girl?

Anyway, I think the concept is good, and the story has potential for expansion... as others have suggested.

All the best with it.
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Zack
Posted: April 19th, 2021, 9:40pm Report to Moderator
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Odd format, but I really enjoyed this one. Love me a good disaster flick. Met the challenge. Great job here.
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irish eyes
Posted: April 20th, 2021, 8:03pm Report to Moderator
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Well written but the story didn't really work for me sorry.

I was expecting some sort of twist but it became very predictable.

Good job on entering


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ReneC
Posted: April 20th, 2021, 9:53pm Report to Moderator
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A quick read, and though I was invested throughout I was expecting it to go somewhere unexpected. Instead, it's exactly what we expect. It could work, but it isn't very interesting without knowing about the characters or being invested in some other way because the events themselves aren't enough. Well written, just lacking.


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ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: April 21st, 2021, 12:32am Report to Moderator
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OK, I wasn't allergic to this, it's short, it reads well, had no trouble following it whatsoever. Actually I kinda liked it, I just think it lacks punch for want of a better word. Maybe a rotten tomato surprise ending would work.   Best of Irish luck! -A


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Spqr
Posted: April 21st, 2021, 12:01pm Report to Moderator
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Good dialogue and premise. I’d think about reworking the ending. Instead of worrying about the ethics of informing, or not informing, the world about the impending doom, one of them might says it’s not their decision to make—all she’s worried about is going out and buying all the liquor she can before the stores run dry.
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ReneC
Posted: April 25th, 2021, 2:12pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for reading and taking the time to comment. It's unanimous, the ending sucked.  

I wrote this as kind of a prequel to something else I wrote. I wanted to play it straight, to let it be predictable and unfold as expected in a dreadful kind of way, but this isn't that kind of story. It did need something more.

I also didn't really let anyone in on the setting for this. It's set well in the future, 2095 to be exact, for very specific reasons that don't really matter for the story, except for how fast they calculate the trajectory. It's all plausible, I just didn't do my job, so good for those of you who called me out on that.

For a rewrite, I would do it visually on Bethany the whole time and let her emotions convey much of what's missing in dialogue, but also add a kicker, like one more phone call to her dad or something. It really did need that something personal at the end.

Congrats Warren, you guessed it right off the bat!


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