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Discovery - 04C (currently 980 views) |
Don |
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 11:41am |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16381 Posts Per Day 1.94 |
Discovery by Michael Burnham - Short, Sci Fi - The discovery of a lifetime becomes more than one astronomer ever imagined. - pdf format
Writer interested in feedback on this work |
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------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
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JEStaats |
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 2:41pm |
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Old Timer No sh*t, there I was....
LocationTucson, AZ Posts1735 Posts Per Day 0.62 |
A very fast read with a nice little story arch. I'm assuming the format was for radio plays?
-Spoilers-
The asteroid trajectory towards Earth was not much of a surprise. I could see it coming a million miles away (rim shot). The dialogue was very conversational and could've been ramped up to draw me in a bit more.
Regardless, you followed the parameters to a T, so excellent job, writer. |
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Reply: 1 - 23 |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 4:19pm |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4319 Posts Per Day 1.14 |
Liked this, worked well.
It went exactly where I expected it to, so maybe some twist is needed?
Anyway, decent effort. |
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Reply: 2 - 23 |
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Geezis |
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 5:12pm |
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January Project Group There's always a single malt waiting for you.
LocationGlasgow, Scotland Posts411 Posts Per Day 0.27 |
Straight forward and simple story telling. Obvious ending but enjoyable none the less. Well done. |
| If at first you don't succeed........bribe someone. |
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Reply: 3 - 23 |
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Claudio |
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 6:48pm |
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January Project Group
LocationLos Angeles Posts102 Posts Per Day 0.06 |
Snappy writing, easy to understand, and great execution. Seeing the radio-play format was cool!
Almost perfect, my only gripe is that I wanted more from the ending. At first I thought- alien space ship. Then I was thinking that it was a normal asteroid that would accelerate faster and faster, and humanity would be wiped out in a matter of hours or something. There wasn't really a twist, but I think a good one could elevate this quite a bit.
Awesome stuff~ |
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Reply: 4 - 23 |
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PKCardinal |
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 7:25pm |
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January Project Group
LocationKansas Posts1447 Posts Per Day 0.63 |
Good stuff. Really enjoyed it.
I was expecting it to be an alien spacecraft, so count me as one who actually enjoyed a bit of a twist.
Definitely the type of thing Don is looking for, too. So, kudos all around. |
| PaulKWrites.com
60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature
Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror |
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Reply: 5 - 23 |
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jayrex |
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 3:15am |
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Old Timer Cut to three weeks earlier
LocationLondon, UK Posts1420 Posts Per Day 0.22 |
Not bad.
At one point I thought I was going to read alien.
Meets the challenge for sure. |
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Gum |
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 11:37am |
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Been Around
LocationSome travelling Circus... Posts832 Posts Per Day 0.42 |
Hi writer,
I have reservations that the data of discovery, trajectory, and inevitable contact with Earth would happen within a minute… but maybe it would if AI was crunching the numbers. Imaginative, with interesting well though out, real-time data that seems to be on par with someone who’s an astronomy aficionado, not me… but you seem to know what you’re doing. Works well with the challenge, best of luck. |
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Reply: 7 - 23 |
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eldave1 |
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 1:19pm |
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January Project Group
LocationSouthern California Posts6874 Posts Per Day 1.95 |
Another new format (for me at least) and another one that I liked.
The writing is real solid. The story for me is a bit implausible – things happen way too quickly from first discovery to the realization of potential impact. It really needs to be drawn out over a larger time period, IMO. Would be interesting to see a version of this from the realization of impact forward – i.e., folks talking for the last time knowing that it would be the last time.
Anyway – good marks from me regardless. Clever approach – smoothly written.
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Reply: 8 - 23 |
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Gary in Houston |
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 2:48pm |
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January Project Group
LocationTexas Posts1306 Posts Per Day 0.32 |
It's a pretty interesting format to begin with. Looks like a podcast format that I toyed around with at one time.
The story is good but a bit predictable and plays out just a bit too quickly. Hard to buy they figure all that out in that short a period and that they know with 100% certainty that it's going to hit earth. Now a real twist would have been that it was going to hit earth but it hit the moon instead at the last minute. Or it got hit by another passing meteor.
But overall you really nailed the parameters and it's good solid writing throughout, so good job here and best of luck with it.
Gary |
| Some of my scripts:
Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner The Gambler (short) - OWC winner Skip (short) - filmed Country Road 12 (short) - filmed The Family Man (short) - filmed The Journeyers (feature) - optioned
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Reply: 9 - 23 |
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SAC |
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 8:06pm |
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Of The Ancients … but some dreams do
LocationUpstate NY Posts3201 Posts Per Day 0.79 |
Writer,
Very good. There was definitely some tension there. You would have scored higher with me if you'd given a better ending. Right now it's just -- ok, it's going to hit. So what? You needed more to end this. And not even a lot, maybe just another two pieces of dialogue would have worked.
Steve |
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Reply: 10 - 23 |
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Warren |
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 8:10pm |
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Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.36 |
Hi writer,
Two funky formats in a row. I know this is standard radio-play format but I'm a screenwriter and that's what I like, just the way it goes.
This one is dragging a bit around page 3 for me, the back and forth is just not sparking any interest for me unfortunately.
I know we could use the option for radio-play format but this would definitely run over the 4 pages in screenplay format. I guess this would have been a good route to go if you couldn't quite fit your premise into the 4 pages.
So this was a slog for me, even at 4 pages I felt it was too long and pretty lackluster. It plays out exactly as you might expect.
Sorry, not for me this one.
All the best. |
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Reply: 11 - 23 |
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MarkRenshaw |
Posted: April 19th, 2021, 3:30am |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts2335 Posts Per Day 0.59 |
That was the format I was going to use for mine. I actually started it as well and then changed it to a more traditional format so as not to throw people off,, but I wish I'd put the extra effort to make the action more obvious SFX.
As for the story, it was well written and easy to follow, just predictable. As soon as they confirmed the asteroid it became obvious what was going to happen. |
| For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK |
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Reply: 12 - 23 |
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Matthew Taylor |
Posted: April 19th, 2021, 5:26am |
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January Project Group
LocationShakespeare's county Posts1770 Posts Per Day 0.89 |
Hi Writer
This was a bit "meh" for me, struggled to hold my interest towards the end and then kinda faded out into predictability.
Still, well written and flowed nicely - Really needs something more to grab me.
Best of luck
Matt |
| Feature
42.2
Two steps to writing a good screenplay: 1) Write a bad one 2) Fix it |
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LC |
Posted: April 19th, 2021, 8:00am |
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Administrator
LocationThe Great Southern Land Posts7581 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
Not bad, just a bit too pedestrian for me.
Maybe do a bigger piece, an offshoot - I'm all for Dave's idea with this: Would be interesting to see a version of this from the realization of impact forward – i.e., folks talking for the last time knowing that it would be the last time.
Just don't do the Lars von Trier version ala Melancholia. |
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khamanna |
Posted: April 19th, 2021, 8:05am |
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January Project Group
Posts4194 Posts Per Day 0.79 |
So, I don't know if it's a format that throws me off or the dialog but it wasn't an easy read for me.
There's a flow to a dialog, but the events just happen and these people announce them to each other. I don't see people behind these events, their stories. I don't feel the urge, the tension. Maybe just me. |
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MarkItZero |
Posted: April 19th, 2021, 2:19pm |
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Old Timer
Posts1007 Posts Per Day 0.35 |
I love the idea of this exciting discovery slowly turning into a realization they're all doomed. The execution isn't quite there though. A lot of it feels too technical and unemotional. I agree with what Khamanna said about focusing on the people behind the events more. |
| That rug really tied the room together. |
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Reply: 16 - 23 |
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Craig Macken |
Posted: April 19th, 2021, 9:09pm |
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New out of my depth
LocationLand of Oz Posts25 Posts Per Day 0.02 |
I don't mind this, but it doesn't grab me. I kinda feel a script about such a devastating discovery should've drawn me in emotionally, but it didn't. Not sure why.
No problems with the format, dialogue etc... except for a couple of lines from Bethany.
'Wow. My Mum's going to flip.' Is she a professional astronaut, or a 14-year-old girl?
Anyway, I think the concept is good, and the story has potential for expansion... as others have suggested.
All the best with it. |
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Zack |
Posted: April 19th, 2021, 9:40pm |
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January Project Group
LocationErlanger, KY Posts4487 Posts Per Day 0.69 |
Odd format, but I really enjoyed this one. Love me a good disaster flick. Met the challenge. Great job here. |
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irish eyes |
Posted: April 20th, 2021, 8:03pm |
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January Project Group There`s too much blood in my alcohol
LocationUpstate New York Posts1865 Posts Per Day 0.37 |
Well written but the story didn't really work for me sorry.
I was expecting some sort of twist but it became very predictable.
Good job on entering |
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ReneC |
Posted: April 20th, 2021, 9:53pm |
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Old Timer
LocationVancouver, BC Posts1435 Posts Per Day 0.31 |
A quick read, and though I was invested throughout I was expecting it to go somewhere unexpected. Instead, it's exactly what we expect. It could work, but it isn't very interesting without knowing about the characters or being invested in some other way because the events themselves aren't enough. Well written, just lacking. |
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ghost and_ghostie gal |
Posted: April 21st, 2021, 12:32am |
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Old Timer
LocationA helluva long way from LA Posts1565 Posts Per Day 0.29 |
OK, I wasn't allergic to this, it's short, it reads well, had no trouble following it whatsoever. Actually I kinda liked it, I just think it lacks punch for want of a better word. Maybe a rotten tomato surprise ending would work. Best of Irish luck! -A |
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Spqr |
Posted: April 21st, 2021, 12:01pm |
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Posts483 Posts Per Day 0.09 |
Good dialogue and premise. I’d think about reworking the ending. Instead of worrying about the ethics of informing, or not informing, the world about the impending doom, one of them might says it’s not their decision to make—all she’s worried about is going out and buying all the liquor she can before the stores run dry. |
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ReneC |
Posted: April 25th, 2021, 2:12pm |
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Old Timer
LocationVancouver, BC Posts1435 Posts Per Day 0.31 |
Thanks for reading and taking the time to comment. It's unanimous, the ending sucked. I wrote this as kind of a prequel to something else I wrote. I wanted to play it straight, to let it be predictable and unfold as expected in a dreadful kind of way, but this isn't that kind of story. It did need something more. I also didn't really let anyone in on the setting for this. It's set well in the future, 2095 to be exact, for very specific reasons that don't really matter for the story, except for how fast they calculate the trajectory. It's all plausible, I just didn't do my job, so good for those of you who called me out on that. For a rewrite, I would do it visually on Bethany the whole time and let her emotions convey much of what's missing in dialogue, but also add a kicker, like one more phone call to her dad or something. It really did need that something personal at the end. Congrats Warren, you guessed it right off the bat! |
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