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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    The April 2021 Challenge  ›  Discovery - 04C
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  Author    Discovery - 04C  (currently 980 views)
Don
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 11:41am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Discovery by Michael Burnham - Short, Sci Fi - The discovery of a lifetime becomes more than one astronomer ever imagined. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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JEStaats
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 2:41pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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A very fast read with a nice little story arch. I'm assuming the format was for radio plays?

-Spoilers-

The asteroid trajectory towards Earth was not much of a surprise. I could see it coming a million miles away (rim shot). The dialogue was very conversational and could've been ramped up to draw me in a bit more.

Regardless, you followed the parameters to a T, so excellent job, writer.
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 4:19pm Report to Moderator
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Liked this, worked well.

It went exactly where I expected it to, so maybe some twist is needed?

Anyway, decent effort.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Geezis
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 5:12pm Report to Moderator
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Straight forward and simple story telling. Obvious ending but enjoyable none the less.
Well done.


If at first you don't succeed........bribe someone.
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Claudio
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 6:48pm Report to Moderator
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Snappy writing, easy to understand, and great execution. Seeing the radio-play format was cool!

Almost perfect, my only gripe is that I wanted more from the ending.
At first I thought- alien space ship. Then I was thinking that it was a normal asteroid that would accelerate faster and faster, and humanity would be wiped out in a matter of hours or something.
There wasn't really a twist, but I think a good one could elevate this quite a bit.

Awesome stuff~


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PKCardinal
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 7:25pm Report to Moderator
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Good stuff. Really enjoyed it.

I was expecting it to be an alien spacecraft, so count me as one who actually enjoyed a bit of a twist.

Definitely the type of thing Don is looking for, too. So, kudos all around.


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jayrex
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 3:15am Report to Moderator
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Cut to three weeks earlier

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Not bad.

At one point I thought I was going to read alien.  

Meets the challenge for sure.


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Gum
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 11:37am Report to Moderator
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Hi writer,

I have reservations that the data of discovery, trajectory, and inevitable contact with Earth would happen within a minute… but maybe it would if AI was crunching the numbers. Imaginative, with interesting well though out, real-time data that seems to be on par with someone who’s an astronomy aficionado, not me… but you seem to know what you’re doing. Works well with the challenge, best of luck.
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eldave1
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 1:19pm Report to Moderator
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Another new format (for me at least) and another one that I liked.

The writing is real solid. The story for me is a bit implausible – things happen way too quickly from first discovery to the realization of potential impact. It really needs to be drawn out over a larger time period, IMO. Would be interesting to see a version of this from the realization of impact forward – i.e., folks talking for the last time knowing that it would be the last time.

Anyway – good marks from me regardless. Clever approach – smoothly written.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

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Gary in Houston
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 2:48pm Report to Moderator
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It's a pretty interesting format to begin with.  Looks like a podcast format that I toyed around with at one time.

The story is good but a bit predictable and plays out just a bit too quickly.  Hard to buy they figure all that out in that short a period and that they know with 100% certainty that it's going to hit earth.  Now a real twist would have been that it was going to hit earth but it hit the moon instead at the last minute. Or it got hit by another passing meteor.  

But overall you really nailed the parameters and it's good solid writing throughout, so good job here and best of luck with it.

Gary


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

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SAC
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 8:06pm Report to Moderator
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Writer,

Very good. There was definitely some tension there. You would have scored higher with me if you'd given a better ending. Right now it's just -- ok, it's going to hit. So what? You needed more to end this. And not even a lot, maybe just another two pieces of dialogue would have worked.

Steve


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Warren
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 8:10pm Report to Moderator
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Hi writer,

Two funky formats in a row. I know this is standard radio-play format but I'm a screenwriter and that's what I like, just the way it goes.

This one is dragging a bit around page 3 for me, the back and forth is just not sparking any interest for me unfortunately.

I know we could use the option for radio-play format but this would definitely run over the 4 pages in screenplay format. I guess this would have been a good route to go if you couldn't quite fit your premise into the 4 pages.

So this was a slog for me, even at 4 pages I felt it was too long and pretty lackluster. It plays out exactly as you might expect.

Sorry, not for me this one.

All the best.


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: April 19th, 2021, 3:30am Report to Moderator
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That was the format I was going to use for mine. I actually started it as well and then changed it to a more traditional format so as not to throw people off,, but I wish I'd put the extra effort to make the action more obvious SFX.

As for the story, it was well written and easy to follow, just predictable. As soon as they confirmed the asteroid it became obvious what was going to happen.


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: April 19th, 2021, 5:26am Report to Moderator
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Hi Writer

This was a bit "meh" for me, struggled to hold my interest towards the end and then kinda faded out into predictability.

Still, well written and flowed nicely - Really needs something more to grab me.

Best of luck

Matt


Feature

42.2

Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it
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LC
Posted: April 19th, 2021, 8:00am Report to Moderator
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Not bad, just a bit too pedestrian for me.

Maybe do a bigger piece, an offshoot - I'm all for Dave's idea with this:
Would be interesting to see a version of this from the realization of impact forward – i.e., folks talking for the last time knowing that it would be the last time.

Just don't do the Lars von Trier version ala Melancholia.


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khamanna
Posted: April 19th, 2021, 8:05am Report to Moderator
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So, I don't know if it's a format that throws me off or the dialog but it wasn't an easy read for me.

There's a flow to a dialog, but the events just happen and these people announce them to each other. I don't see people behind these events, their stories. I don't feel the urge, the tension.
Maybe just me.
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MarkItZero
Posted: April 19th, 2021, 2:19pm Report to Moderator
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I love the idea of this exciting discovery slowly turning into a realization they're all doomed. The execution isn't quite there though. A lot of it feels too technical and unemotional. I agree with what Khamanna said about focusing on the people behind the events more.


That rug really tied the room together.
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Craig Macken
Posted: April 19th, 2021, 9:09pm Report to Moderator
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I don't mind this, but it doesn't grab me. I kinda feel a script about such a devastating discovery should've drawn me in emotionally, but it didn't. Not sure why.

No problems with the format, dialogue etc... except for a couple of lines from Bethany.

'Wow. My Mum's going to flip.'   Is she a professional astronaut, or a 14-year-old girl?

Anyway, I think the concept is good, and the story has potential for expansion... as others have suggested.

All the best with it.
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Zack
Posted: April 19th, 2021, 9:40pm Report to Moderator
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Odd format, but I really enjoyed this one. Love me a good disaster flick. Met the challenge. Great job here.
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irish eyes
Posted: April 20th, 2021, 8:03pm Report to Moderator
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Well written but the story didn't really work for me sorry.

I was expecting some sort of twist but it became very predictable.

Good job on entering


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ReneC
Posted: April 20th, 2021, 9:53pm Report to Moderator
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A quick read, and though I was invested throughout I was expecting it to go somewhere unexpected. Instead, it's exactly what we expect. It could work, but it isn't very interesting without knowing about the characters or being invested in some other way because the events themselves aren't enough. Well written, just lacking.


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ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: April 21st, 2021, 12:32am Report to Moderator
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OK, I wasn't allergic to this, it's short, it reads well, had no trouble following it whatsoever. Actually I kinda liked it, I just think it lacks punch for want of a better word. Maybe a rotten tomato surprise ending would work.   Best of Irish luck! -A


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Spqr
Posted: April 21st, 2021, 12:01pm Report to Moderator
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Good dialogue and premise. I’d think about reworking the ending. Instead of worrying about the ethics of informing, or not informing, the world about the impending doom, one of them might says it’s not their decision to make—all she’s worried about is going out and buying all the liquor she can before the stores run dry.
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ReneC
Posted: April 25th, 2021, 2:12pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for reading and taking the time to comment. It's unanimous, the ending sucked.  

I wrote this as kind of a prequel to something else I wrote. I wanted to play it straight, to let it be predictable and unfold as expected in a dreadful kind of way, but this isn't that kind of story. It did need something more.

I also didn't really let anyone in on the setting for this. It's set well in the future, 2095 to be exact, for very specific reasons that don't really matter for the story, except for how fast they calculate the trajectory. It's all plausible, I just didn't do my job, so good for those of you who called me out on that.

For a rewrite, I would do it visually on Bethany the whole time and let her emotions convey much of what's missing in dialogue, but also add a kicker, like one more phone call to her dad or something. It really did need that something personal at the end.

Congrats Warren, you guessed it right off the bat!


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