A Period Piece by B & B - Short, Comedy - For Leroy, a night of poker with the boys gets interesting when his daughter calls with some... issues. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

I'm guessing this wasn't written by a woman, but you never know. Father and friends were basically jerks. I'd never respond like that and would've put a stop to anyone making asinine comments about my or anyone else's daughter. But that's just me.

A little outside the parameters being set at a poker game. It could've remained totally audio by the father just saying where he was to set his scene.

Sorry to say that I didn't really have any LOL moments. It could've been funnier to hear both sides of the conversation, especially when she found the beads.

This was a tough round - kudos for entering and good luck!

Another one that doesn't seem to be audio only, scene is set with and action line of people playing poker, sorry.

Nice title though.

Interesting take on the premise.  Not bad.

Not sure if I'd want to listen to a lot of farts and burps.

I can see a sliver of comedy.

For me, this meets the challenge.

The humor didn't land with me - sorry.

I think you would be better reverse engineering this one. Make the daughter cool, calm and collected and make the Dad embarrassed by the call.

Not gonna lie I chuckled a couple times. The beads thing and how nonchalant he was... I don't know why but I laughed. So... good work I guess.

Ok. A father abandons his children to play poker while the mother is at work and the daughter phones to tell him she needs a poo. Have I missed anything?
Some moments of humour and fun to imagine though.
Well done.

Oh boy, I think I know who wrote this one.  

So it definitely had its moments of levity -- the teenage girl thinking she's having her period and instead having to take a massive dump, all while on the phone with her dad.  That's the making of comedy gold!

It did seem unusual just hearing his side of the conversation but I think that actually helps in this instance.

Good work here and good luck with it.
Gary

Hi writer,

Yeah, not sure what to make of this one. I have two daughters, and, by the grace of God, their mother dealt with all that stuff. But… that being said, if I was in that position the story would have went from a phone-call to a text-call right fast.

But then there’s the Jerky Boys (if anyone remembers them) that make this look like a 50s sitcom picnic, so… definitely not the grossest thing, but then there’s the torpedoes, and beads, lol.

Raunchy and funny. It is what it is.

I liked the line about the guy's legs falling asleep on the toilet after a lasagna meal.

It was starting to feel a little long on page three, so you picked a good spot to end it.

Feels like it could use a bit of sweetness at the end. Guy says something nice to his daughter.

Writer,

Cute story. Not all the jokes landed, and you probably would have benefitted with the daughter actually being heard, but I appreciate what you were trying to do with this. Not bad.

Steve

Well, maybe somewhere in the world there's a father who talks to his daughter that way.

Sounds like a fun father. I could feel he was loving at the same time which clearly shows your skill as a writer.

It has funny bits. Guess you should work on it to make it lighter. Yo could cut pieces of dialog to make the punch lines come across as punch lines. Otherwise they seem lost in the speech.

It was very good actually. Different. But it doesn't fit the requirements, does it

Hi writer,

Looks like you've faded straight into a visual :/  because without it, I'm not sure we would get the setup.

The comedy is a bit lowbrow for my taste, I know a few people on the site that would love this kind of stuff but I'm really not your audience, sorry.

Not sure you quite got the requirements.

All the best.

Writer,

Wasn't a bad entry. Could  have benefited from losing the visuals and just starting with Over Black.  

The humor is what it is,  but I feel maybe an endearing ending would have been suffice... Maybe have the daughter say it was a set up. You know, getting back at her Dad for going out to poker night.   Just an idea

Anyways
Good job on entering

I'm not 100% this meets the parameters as it states a conversation between two or more people and in this instance we only hear one person talking, but I'm going to let it slide as it's a tough theme and lots of folks have been a bit confused.

There were moments that made me laugh like "You've gone all Carrie on me" and others that didn't, but humour is subjective. All I kept on thinking is if this was my daughter (who is 11 at the moment so I've all this to come) I would have taken the conversation to a private area instead of blurting out personal information for all my immature buddies to hear.

I didn't get the 'drop the Deuce' euphemism at the end and I thought I know all the ones for having a poo so that joke didn't click with me until I read the comments.  

Well written and meets the parameters, I'm probably just over sensitive to the subject with my daughter being near that age.