The dialogue was great. Perfect character voices. Mobsters stuck in a phone booth trying to figure out burner phones is a fun set up. Their ignorance and confusion makes for some funny moments. But... it doesn't really lead anywhere.

Seems like it's really poking fun at the elaborate steps these not so tech saavy old school gangsters have to go through. Maybe it could end with a scene from a surveillance FBI van. They've been listening to everything from the bugged pay phone booth the entire time. And they're trying to decipher this ridiculous conversation thinking "rabbits" and "carrots" must be code words.

Really funny bits in this. I guffawed when they were talking over the operator.

The bit with the ringtone was funny too, but I'm sad we lost the operator shenanigans.
I wanted a bigger button at the end, hope this gets an update.

Awesome stuff~

This was funny. Great dialog, though the dual lines did get a little confusing. Still, I like this one. Good work.

Hmm...

Firstly, yeah, it's definitely a comedy. Not a laugh-out-loud sorta thing, but a comedy nonetheless. A nice effort. This could be great fun, but it needs a little more pulse on story-- even if Mother Teresa had penned it. Thanks for the read and best of Irish luck! -A

Writer,

I’ll give this a decent score because the premise was damn funny. And you had me up until page two, but when the comedy shifted to just the ringtone you lost me. Was loving the operator and talking over her much better. Maybe just my own comedic sensibilities, but I would have continued along the former’s type of comedy. Anyway, great start, but lost something towards the end.

Steve

The dialogue, though cliché, came off really well, except they all sound exactly alike. That's not terrible for a couple of goons, but I would have liked to see one standout at least.

As for story, there isn't much here. I would have been happy with him calling literally just to demonstrate the ringtone to them but he was still trying to talk to them at the end so that seems like it wasn't the point of this, which would have been a solid joke. Still, I like the wise guy antics, so it was an enjoyable read for me.

Three guys in a phone booth. This kind of slapstick is difficult to pull off, mainly because phone booths are history. Sal trying to figure out the new technology is funny, but would be more believable if he’d just got out of the slammer, where he’s spent the last 20 years. Louie and Sal seem to be good characters, so maybe you could lose Tony and Nicky.

Hi writer,

Yeah, okay, three Wise Guys, Captains, or just round o’ the mill goons crammed in a phone booth trying to figure shit out could definitely be a barrel of monkeys if fleshed out with some purpose, here it kind of petered out. I’m thinking you ran out of steam, conviction, or page real-estate towards the end to find a punch line that hit home? Might require another page or so to nail it if you decide to revisit this, or not.

Not to bang on, but as others have pointed out, the dual dialog needs to be flipped to read better, if in audio I guess it’s just two voices, one in the left and one in the right channel, but reading it kind of loses the chaotic flow, or effect you’re going for, if that’s what you were going for.

Anyway, that jingle, song, ringtone I guess was a fun listen too, and the tough guys getting all cute with it. Great, now I have that damn rabbit voice stuck in my head, lol. Best of luck.

The title is great.

I like the idea of a bunch of dudes stuffed in a phonebooth.

I can't remember the last time I made a collect call or dialed an operator, so this brought back some memories. Do they even have such things anymore?

I liked this overall. Think of a stronger way to end this.