Rigatoni Rigmarole by Blank, but a different 'blank' - Short, Comedy - Four old school Wise Guys cope with the intricacies of modern-day technology. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

This had its moments of humor with the mental image of three goodfellas in a phone booth. I think the conflict with technology is a nice touch. I  also liked the bit about collect calls and talking over the operator. Do they even have operators anymore? Can you call collect to a cell phone? Would've been a nice touch to have it vibrate on top of the ringtone.

A couple chuckles here - good work, writer.

PAGE 2:

Quoted Text OPERATOR                                                              SAL Sir! Do you accept the --                    Louie, I don’t have a fucking Sir, if you could please                       quarter, collect the call! wait... it’s actually more than a quarter --

Since we read left to right, Sal's dialogue should be on the left and the Operator on the right, even if they are talking over each other. It seems like OPERATOR is responding to Sal's "quarter" plea.

Quoted Text SAL Stop screaming in my ear, asshole! LOUIE You told me to talk loud! SAL What?!

Louie didn't even say anything yet after Sal told him to talk loud. Maybe I'm just misreading it and you meant for Sal to hear the other two guys' voices and confuse it for Louie?

OVERALL:

The dialogue was decent enough, but it didn't go anywhere. There was decent humor here, but I didn't see a punchline, not much of a story. Just very chaotic, people talking over each other. And I didn't really find the ringtone thing very funny, didn't feel like the ending made hearing people talking over each other for almost 5 minutes worth it. It's nicely written, just not for me.

-- Michael

Weirdly, despite the challenge parameters, I had fun visualising this, kinda the point I guess

The story didn't really go anywhere but I did enjoy the banter that got us there.

Decent effort.

There's quite a calamity going on here.

I couldn't access the link, not allowed in my country.

I also wasn't sure why the burner phone was so important since the other phone was used, especially if you're trying to avoid the police.

I'm sure the ringtone would have added comedy value.  As it stands, it just seems a tad strange to download a funny ringtone onto a burner phone.  Something that might last the duration of a single phone call.

Meets the challenge.

Meets the challenge for sure and well written. Difficult getting all those voices in and I think you did a nice job on the mechanics.

The dual dialogue may be backwards...

The story was just okay for me - tough to get a lot of mileage out of the premise. Surely also a factor of being limited to 4 pages.

I liked the Einstein remark. Made me chuckle (even if it's been done, many a time). You got the tone right on the money for these goons, nice job.

I also really liked the chaotic nature of it.
Went a bit off course at the end cause I was left wanting more, which is a good thing. Just not much by way of narrative, but I enjoyed it all the same.

A Wise Guy version of the Three Stooges making a phone call. Don't understand why a burner phone would be hidden in a pocket but I suppose that's what makes the story fun.
Well done.

Hmm

From Don't original specifications:
"There can be multiple conversations, but each conversation has to be between two people at a time"

So, I don't know if it fits the challenge.

There's a nice sentiment at the end. I can't say I'm a big fan of this one. They were screaming altogether for no reason (IMO fo no reason), so I don't know...

Hey, whatsamatter with you?  It's the Sopranos in a telephone booth.  I thought this was taking place in the 70's because, c'mon, who has telephone booths anymore?  But then you had the burner phone, so who knows?

Anyway, it was a bit of fun but maybe went on about a page too long.  Just visualizing three mafia dudes in a phone booth is a great image.  Some fun moments to be had here for sure.  Good luck with it.

Gary

The dialogue here is funny. The chaos is nice.

But, I wish there was a story. From what I see, Sal calls Louie collect. We never find out the purpose of the call. Then the story switches from the collect call to Louie and the burner phone/ring tone. Again, there's no purpose. Just a discussion about the ring tone.

It's funny, yes. But, a purpose would have elevated the script considerably.

Still, I had a good time reading this.

A few comedic moments just lacking some sort of story.

Some Mafia wise guys arguing over a phone and then falling for the lovable rabbit singing... I pictured animation here.

Not a bad entry.

Hi writer,

That pink writing is horrid!

I think the order of dialogue is back to front in some instances.

Gave me a chuckle or two but there wasn't a whole lot going on really.

Not a bad effort.

All the best.

Some nice banter, humorous and well written. Meets the parameters nicely.

I'm not sure, but I don't think the caller can speak to the other person before the operator puts them through, so that felt a bit off.

Reads more like a scene than a complete story as it goes nowhere, there's no resolution, but a good effort.  

Hi Writer

Ha! I liked this - you're good at comedy dialogue and getting the characters across. This would be a great scene in a larger project. As a stand-alone short it's a bit pointless however.

Great job

Matt

The dialogue was great. Perfect character voices. Mobsters stuck in a phone booth trying to figure out burner phones is a fun set up. Their ignorance and confusion makes for some funny moments. But... it doesn't really lead anywhere.

Seems like it's really poking fun at the elaborate steps these not so tech saavy old school gangsters have to go through. Maybe it could end with a scene from a surveillance FBI van. They've been listening to everything from the bugged pay phone booth the entire time. And they're trying to decipher this ridiculous conversation thinking "rabbits" and "carrots" must be code words.

Really funny bits in this. I guffawed when they were talking over the operator.

The bit with the ringtone was funny too, but I'm sad we lost the operator shenanigans.
I wanted a bigger button at the end, hope this gets an update.

Awesome stuff~

This was funny. Great dialog, though the dual lines did get a little confusing. Still, I like this one. Good work.

Hmm...

Firstly, yeah, it's definitely a comedy. Not a laugh-out-loud sorta thing, but a comedy nonetheless. A nice effort. This could be great fun, but it needs a little more pulse on story-- even if Mother Teresa had penned it. Thanks for the read and best of Irish luck! -A

Writer,

I’ll give this a decent score because the premise was damn funny. And you had me up until page two, but when the comedy shifted to just the ringtone you lost me. Was loving the operator and talking over her much better. Maybe just my own comedic sensibilities, but I would have continued along the former’s type of comedy. Anyway, great start, but lost something towards the end.

Steve

The dialogue, though cliché, came off really well, except they all sound exactly alike. That's not terrible for a couple of goons, but I would have liked to see one standout at least.

As for story, there isn't much here. I would have been happy with him calling literally just to demonstrate the ringtone to them but he was still trying to talk to them at the end so that seems like it wasn't the point of this, which would have been a solid joke. Still, I like the wise guy antics, so it was an enjoyable read for me.

Three guys in a phone booth. This kind of slapstick is difficult to pull off, mainly because phone booths are history. Sal trying to figure out the new technology is funny, but would be more believable if he’d just got out of the slammer, where he’s spent the last 20 years. Louie and Sal seem to be good characters, so maybe you could lose Tony and Nicky.

Hi writer,

Yeah, okay, three Wise Guys, Captains, or just round o’ the mill goons crammed in a phone booth trying to figure shit out could definitely be a barrel of monkeys if fleshed out with some purpose, here it kind of petered out. I’m thinking you ran out of steam, conviction, or page real-estate towards the end to find a punch line that hit home? Might require another page or so to nail it if you decide to revisit this, or not.

Not to bang on, but as others have pointed out, the dual dialog needs to be flipped to read better, if in audio I guess it’s just two voices, one in the left and one in the right channel, but reading it kind of loses the chaotic flow, or effect you’re going for, if that’s what you were going for.

Anyway, that jingle, song, ringtone I guess was a fun listen too, and the tough guys getting all cute with it. Great, now I have that damn rabbit voice stuck in my head, lol. Best of luck.

The title is great.

I like the idea of a bunch of dudes stuffed in a phonebooth.

I can't remember the last time I made a collect call or dialed an operator, so this brought back some memories. Do they even have such things anymore?

I liked this overall. Think of a stronger way to end this.