Yikes...it's SO visual. The ending hinges on a visual element. It can't really translate to a non-visual story with anywhere the same impact, but there's a version of it that would. That's what you should have tried for, IMO.

That aside, I liked Damon's point of view and dialogue. Cindy's reactions and dialogue didn't feel real to me. All that space spent on visuals could have gone into some real emotion from her. So, it didn't really do it for me.

Writer,

Never mind all the visuals here. Never mind them. The story you chose to write has been done a thousand times, so it's not really very original. But, I can appreciate how you chose to tell it. The writing was good, too. You seem to have a handle on that. Overall, not bad, but not really something for this particular challenge.

Steve

The idea of it is not new but it's still well written and engaging. The dialog was good and I felt for him.

But I don't know how to rate it as it just oversteps the main requirement. And in this case I'm going to hold it against you. I usually don't and for most entries I won't. This is just all about the visual, sorry.

No effort at all to avoid visuals.

Very well written, and a good story too. I actually really like this one. Just think more could have been done to keep it in the spirit of the challenge.

Hard to pull this one off on radio!!

Overall nicely written but seen it all before.

Good job on entering

hmmmm.....I have to agree with a lot of the critiques thus far.  Overall, the writing was very visual and clear, and the imagery works, just not for this challenge. Then again, writing something rather than nothing is always a good thing in my book. Good luck with it.-A

Nice. I’m not sure you need the opening scenes in the Pine Forest and Country Road. I’m guessing they signify the fact that Damon’s been lost in a wilderness since he died, always searching for a signal so he can call home. In a visual format, it would be fine, but in an audio drama, maybe he could be wandering in a never-ending fog. That would be simple to articulate, rather than coming up with some way to describe the terrain he’s moving through. I really liked the dialog between Damon and Cindy.

Short and sweet. Generally effective.

I think the wife's reaction could use a bit of sharpening. She might be a bit more tentative in answering a number that matches her dead husband's phone. It might take two or three calls for her to finally answer. She might hang up once or twice.

But a cool script overall.

I wonder what happens next?

Nothing for me to add or explain, really.

I wrote this specifically for the challenge, to get feedback on my writing style. The script itself crashed and burned, and rightly so.

Thanks again for your comments and feedback. They were exactly what I was after.

Was one of my faves, just obviously not quite right for the challenge. Looking forward to seeing what you can do when you play within the boundaries.