Desperate Times by Warren Duncan (Warren,) writing as A Desperado - Short, Drama, Experimental - Desperate times call for desperate measures when a dying woman's son goes to great lengths to see her one last time. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Well, that was...desperate. What a momma's boy. The action and dialogue was difficult for me to envision how this would be produced. It seems kind of all over the place and confusing to me. Are we to know that all audio is being heard through Johnny's phone?

Perfect title. I could definitely sense the desperation. Kudos for entering and good luck.

This one borders on being outside the parameters – very close. but - close enough - so we're in and  moving forward.

Okay - I dig the premise here. Desperation by separation always makes for heartbreak.

Problem I am having is that the action seems to be happening too quickly - like, logically, Johnny couldn't be making it through all that chaos that fast - hope that makes sense.

ALso had a bit of an empathy issue with Johnny killing all those innocents. Yeah ... I know he is supposed to be losing his mind.

The writing itself is top-notch. This strikes me as something that is good that could have been great as a live action (i.e., none of the parameters, more than 4 pages) because I just think you need to have more time to build his descent into madness.

Nice effort.

I think this started well, and the setup is very now...

But then it started to get a little over-wrought and ramped up too quickly (imho).

The end took it in a different direction that I didn't think the initial tone.

Decent effort.

That jumped up a notch just as it was pulling on the heart strings. Worked well until then. Good writing though if a little clunky with the phones but I did like it.
Well done.

JOHNNY sits behind the wheel, his voice HOARSE and CROAKY
like he’s been shouting or crying, or both.
Hmm, that's a visual we don't need. Hey, old habits die hard. The horse, croaky voice will do.

she HACKS up phlegm.
Same here: the sound of hacking is all you need

OLIVE (V.O.)
Your brother... God rest his
soul... he wouldn't... have
taken... no for an answer.

Nasty old biddy for saying that.

Oh, turns out Johnny was a bad egg.
I'm on the fence about this one with what he ends up doing (won't spoil it).

I don't think you need all the screenwriting visual padding (especially at the top).
The thing is, despite the situation you have a pretty manipulative nasty type in Mama, and Johnny didn't elicit much sympathy. It's hard cause you either go this route or the sentimental route - which can be hard to balance.

A good effort which doesn't quite hit the mark for me.
It needs a twist or another layer to counter our expectations.

This is grim, timely, and effective. A pretty strong effort overall.

The line that was most devastating was the old woman's declaration that her other son wouldn't have taken no for an answer. That hit home.

Telling the story over phones at the end was a little disorienting at first. Would it work to include a line before the sequence that goes something like this: The developments unfold via the two cell phones: Olive's and her son's. Then in the parenthetical you can simply state which phone is being used. I'm not saying this is the correct way. That's what comes to mind.

Possible twist to this story. What would happen if the son stormed the hospital and started shooting, only to learn later that his mom had pulled through?

This is pretty creative, ballsy, and definitely has an emotional punch. I was a bit confused though. Two things... One, this happens too fast, IMO. Two, so Johnny was running around the hospital with the phone pressed to his ear? Why? Feels like he would have left the phone in his car.

Still, a really good effort.

Super well written, the heartfelt scenes and action scenes worked for me. It seems well crafted for audio.

That left turn when he whips out a gun, holy shit wasn't expecting that lol.
I liked both sections a lot separately, but to devolve into action like that was jarring for me.

It's crazy, because the action is well crafted for an auditory medium, and once I accepted the genre switch, it became my favorite part.
I imagined the sounds converging as he wreaks havoc through the hospital, could be really cool.

Great stuff~

I like this one.  Easy to read.  Packs a punch.  A lot going on, squeezed into four pages.  

Quite a dramatic ending.  Didn't see that coming.

Good job!

Writer,

Not bad. Some decent tension throughout, I just wasn't sold on the story of a man shooting up a hospital. Trust me, I know how manipulative/irrational and old woman can be, but Johnny's reaction seems a bit over the top.

Steve

Well... that escalated quickly!

And I think that's the slight problem, the page length forced him to go crazy so quick it felt off.

Well written, meets the parameters and clever use of sounds to get everything across through the phone.

Quoted Text Hello Writer The ROUGH, RASPY BREATH of OLIVE, an elderly woman. She takes a DEEP BREATH IN, readies herself to speak. OLIVE (V.O.) (through laboured breathing) Please, Johnny... I need... to see you... It’s been... so long.

This is overwritten. You can combine the two action bocks "OLIVE takes a deep, raspy breath"
The parenthetical needs only say (laboured).
The ellipses in the dialogue are not used correctly. You have mentioned it's laboured in the para so no need for all the ...

The through all the phones malarky in the paras was confusing the hell outta me. It's probably just me but when you say (Through Olive's phone) to me that reads as the sound is coming from Olive's phone, but it's the people in her room so the sound must be coming from Johnny's phone.
Then there are a couple of lines where the dialogue doesn't come through any phone.
BUT, I think that was a clever thought to get the two bits of action playing through the two phones, very inventive (just think it can be handled better than written)

At the start I was thinking that if this was my Mother, there is no way I would let her die alone... but I wouldn't go that far. This Johnny must be one unhinged guy lol (I guess that comment about his brother really triggered him)

Good effort

Matt

Lol got me laughing

A mom of a mobster. They should use it. It's a really good script. And you did well with not showing stuff but giving all the sounds that describe what's he doing there

I really liked how she compared him to the older son. Who of course died at an early age.

Nice work. I thouroughly enjoyed it

Love the concept. Especially the mother's guilt trip comparing him to the other son. Kind of wish you had explored that more in some way. As it is, everything happens so fast it's a bit hard to digest. I think once the challenge is over you could flesh it out a little. Start with him in a regular day (with visuals), establish the power this woman holds over him, other pressures he has going on. More of a slow burn till he gets the call.

But overall very solid effort given the parameters.

Certainly is both different and topical from two different perspectives.  Thought it got to be a little bit over the top but can appreciate what you were going for here.  I thought you were going in a different direction with this and you certainly did a major twist.  So good effort here and best of luck with it.

Gary

Hi writer,

That was dark, disturbing, and filled with double despair. I thought it was a comedy in the vein of ‘Throw Mama from the Train’ type characters at first, but it turned out to be an Italian soap opera on crack.

Slippery slope trying to capture all those nuances in an audio format, the glove box opening etc. Gunshots are obvious, but this may be too wild and woolly to snare it all as a script just communicating via cellphones, with all that action and scene changes that is. I dig the effort put into it though.

Combining the pandemic and a mass shooting should sound ridiculous, but it doesn’t. Actually, I’m surprised it hasn’t happened in real life. So good job.

Man, another emotional piece... I don't care nearly as much about entertaining.  And it was.

Give the parameters, I see what you went from zero to sixty in a matter seconds. I thought you did pretty good with what you had to work with, but the deal with Johnny going beserk - almost seem to come out of left field. When all is said and done I'd seriously consider going back and turning it into a regular short...a few more pages at least.

Enjoyed it a lot.  All the best,

Ghost

Another timely piece. This has elements of both the pandemic and mass shootings. Very well done.

I have to say the frenetic energy of this is what makes it work. This isn't a predetermined mass shooting, it had the urgency of someone who can hear his mother taking presumably her last breaths and is desperate to get to her as fast as possible. He has the means to do it and she challenges his will to do it, and that's the kicker, she raised him to do just this, to take action and not let anyone stand in his way. And when it's clear he's too late he takes it out on everyone around him...and that's the world we live in.

So yeah, this works for me. It isn't visual, it all works with sound. It would work just as well with minimal visuals, like just in the mother's room not even looking at anything, maybe just a get well card or a photo of the shooter or something and hearing it all in the background and over the phone.

I like it. Great job.

Hey I guessed you out! And it was the best script for me in this challenge too.

Quoted from khamanna Hey I guessed you out! And it was the best script for me in this challenge too.

Thanks, Kham, I appreciate that. And thanks to all for your comments.

This did about as well as could be expected.