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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    The April 2021 Challenge  ›  Kittens - 04C
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  Author    Kittens - 04C  (currently 1217 views)
Don
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 11:46am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Kittens by Anon - Short, Thriller - When it comes to love, always have a backup plan. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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irish eyes
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 3:35pm Report to Moderator
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There`s too much blood in my alcohol

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This was entertaining.. fast paced.

The backup of the backup of the backup.

You pulled this off really well for just a few short pages and well executed.

Overall a great entry


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JEStaats
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 3:37pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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Though not executed perfectly, I really liked this premise of a five-timing a-hole and the psycho girlfriend going to the wrong home (meaning not his home). It started off like a story told many times but the multiple girlfriends made it so much more. To make this more believable would easily be done by just having Jake use one cell phone and putting people on hold. I just don't think all the phones are necessary or realistic.

Good work, writer.
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 4:07pm Report to Moderator
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Started with a visual and I was thinking here we go again, but I think this more or less qualifies due to the 'all we ever see of him bit'...

The story itself was entertaining and well paced, not sure in this day and age anyone would bother with additional phones, but worked okay in this contest.

Good effort.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Claudio
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 6:40pm Report to Moderator
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The 5 phones thing was unintentionally kinda funny, reminded me of a Leslie Nielsen bit.

This was hard to imagine as just an audio story or radio play, but I thought the premise was neat.

Good stuff~


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eldave1
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 8:03pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
An expensive cell phone sits on a table. It RINGS. Though we can only see his hand (that’s all we’ll ever see of him), JAKE, 34, answers, sets it to: SPEAKERPHONE.


Outside the parameters – with really no reason to be.

Same here:


Quoted Text
A second phone RINGS. Jake sets it next to the first. This one’s cheap


Okay - okay. Look - the writing is great and the story is great - fantastic for a 4 pager other than you really don't need the five phones - it is too much of a WTF.  Not only didn't you need them - it required you to leak into the visuals.

All that being said.

There is a ton of talent here - this will get high marks from me. Very inventive stpry.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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MarkItZero
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 10:47pm Report to Moderator
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That was awesome! This is probably absolutely perfect and you shouldn't change anything. Still...

I can't help thinking there's a way to compound the mix-ups more. Like he calls Melissa and she's currently tailing a girl she's convinced Jake is cheating on her with (which turns out to be Cora). Then the next girl Jake says "run now or you're gonna die", only to have the girl bolt screaming out of his own bedroom cuz he forgot she was there the whole time.

To the point where he can't keep track of who is following who or doing what.

Okay, that's probably worse. Ignore all of that. Unless... no, ignore me.


That rug really tied the room together.
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jayrex
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 2:48am Report to Moderator
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Cut to three weeks earlier

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I'm a bit confused.  I get that Jake is married to Lisa.  But all these other women.  I had thought a couple were daughters.  But no, Melissa calls Jake by his name.  I then thought, are all these ladies living in the same home whilst Cora hovers in the background ready to pounce.

I like the premise but I don't think the execution was wonderful.

Meets the challenge somewhat.


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LC
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 6:44am Report to Moderator
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I can't really add much, except the obvious with all the visual placement of phones.

I agree with John's suggestion. Have him juggling calls coming in on the one phone.
That'd speed up the pace too.

Ha! There's bound to be one who's a little unbalanced when you're trying finagle that many at once.
Entertaining, if a little confusing at times.


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Geezis
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 6:56am Report to Moderator
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There's always a single malt waiting for you.

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I liked the story, a lot going on in four pages and executed well. Polygamy isn't as easy as it seems.
Well done.


If at first you don't succeed........bribe someone.
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khamanna
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 7:46am Report to Moderator
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Lol this is something.

This is great actually. So out of the box and memorable.

I don't like the fact he has a 5 phone. Wish there's a twist and something new at the end. It would make the script unmatchable. Right now it's sort of matchable. You may make it even greater.

But still, great stuff. My fav so far. Nice
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Warren
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 7:44pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

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Hi writer,

Was going to comment on the FADE IN and OUT but I see you have actually faded into a visual :/


Quoted Text
Though we can only see his hand (that’s all we’ll ever see of
him),


Hmm... considering we aren't meant to see anything, I already think that's too much.

I'm really not sure why you added the visuals, I think you could have done it without.

Writing's good, story is good, but I don't think this is in the spirit of the challenge, sorry.

All the best.


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: April 19th, 2021, 2:56am Report to Moderator
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I liked this. The number of phones became confusing and I think you could reduce them to three max, but this was a great effort.


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: April 19th, 2021, 11:08am Report to Moderator
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Whoops almost missed this entry.

Hi Writer

I really enjoyed this, great premise (although this feels more comedy than a thriller to me). Not much more to add really other than it was a nice enjoyable story.

The ending could have been tweaked, we already know he sees other women so adding a fifth doesn't actually add anything... should have made it a man.




Feature

42.2

Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it
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Gary in Houston
Posted: April 19th, 2021, 12:54pm Report to Moderator
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Good effort here but like others have noted, no reason to have the visual of the hand grabbing the phones each time.  I do think this would work better if you had just one phone and he kept getting interrupted in each call.  Overall, good stuff and a fun story to read.  Best of luck with it.

Gary


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

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