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Kittens - 04C (currently 1217 views) |
Don |
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 11:46am |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16381 Posts Per Day 1.94 |
Kittens by Anon - Short, Thriller - When it comes to love, always have a backup plan. - pdf format
Writer interested in feedback on this work |
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------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
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irish eyes |
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 3:35pm |
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January Project Group There`s too much blood in my alcohol
LocationUpstate New York Posts1865 Posts Per Day 0.37 |
This was entertaining.. fast paced. The backup of the backup of the backup. You pulled this off really well for just a few short pages and well executed. Overall a great entry |
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Reply: 1 - 23 |
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JEStaats |
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 3:37pm |
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Old Timer No sh*t, there I was....
LocationTucson, AZ Posts1735 Posts Per Day 0.62 |
Though not executed perfectly, I really liked this premise of a five-timing a-hole and the psycho girlfriend going to the wrong home (meaning not his home). It started off like a story told many times but the multiple girlfriends made it so much more. To make this more believable would easily be done by just having Jake use one cell phone and putting people on hold. I just don't think all the phones are necessary or realistic.
Good work, writer. |
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Reply: 2 - 23 |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 4:07pm |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4319 Posts Per Day 1.14 |
Started with a visual and I was thinking here we go again, but I think this more or less qualifies due to the 'all we ever see of him bit'...
The story itself was entertaining and well paced, not sure in this day and age anyone would bother with additional phones, but worked okay in this contest.
Good effort. |
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Reply: 3 - 23 |
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Claudio |
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 6:40pm |
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January Project Group
LocationLos Angeles Posts102 Posts Per Day 0.06 |
The 5 phones thing was unintentionally kinda funny, reminded me of a Leslie Nielsen bit.
This was hard to imagine as just an audio story or radio play, but I thought the premise was neat.
Good stuff~ |
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Reply: 4 - 23 |
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eldave1 |
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 8:03pm |
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January Project Group
LocationSouthern California Posts6874 Posts Per Day 1.95 |
Quoted Text An expensive cell phone sits on a table. It RINGS. Though we can only see his hand (that’s all we’ll ever see of him), JAKE, 34, answers, sets it to: SPEAKERPHONE.
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Outside the parameters – with really no reason to be. Same here:
Quoted Text A second phone RINGS. Jake sets it next to the first. This one’s cheap |
Okay - okay. Look - the writing is great and the story is great - fantastic for a 4 pager other than you really don't need the five phones - it is too much of a WTF. Not only didn't you need them - it required you to leak into the visuals. All that being said. There is a ton of talent here - this will get high marks from me. Very inventive stpry. |
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Reply: 5 - 23 |
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MarkItZero |
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 10:47pm |
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Old Timer
Posts1007 Posts Per Day 0.35 |
That was awesome! This is probably absolutely perfect and you shouldn't change anything. Still...
I can't help thinking there's a way to compound the mix-ups more. Like he calls Melissa and she's currently tailing a girl she's convinced Jake is cheating on her with (which turns out to be Cora). Then the next girl Jake says "run now or you're gonna die", only to have the girl bolt screaming out of his own bedroom cuz he forgot she was there the whole time.
To the point where he can't keep track of who is following who or doing what.
Okay, that's probably worse. Ignore all of that. Unless... no, ignore me. |
| That rug really tied the room together. |
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Reply: 6 - 23 |
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jayrex |
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 2:48am |
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Old Timer Cut to three weeks earlier
LocationLondon, UK Posts1420 Posts Per Day 0.22 |
I'm a bit confused. I get that Jake is married to Lisa. But all these other women. I had thought a couple were daughters. But no, Melissa calls Jake by his name. I then thought, are all these ladies living in the same home whilst Cora hovers in the background ready to pounce.
I like the premise but I don't think the execution was wonderful.
Meets the challenge somewhat. |
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Reply: 7 - 23 |
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LC |
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 6:44am |
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Administrator
LocationThe Great Southern Land Posts7582 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
I can't really add much, except the obvious with all the visual placement of phones.
I agree with John's suggestion. Have him juggling calls coming in on the one phone. That'd speed up the pace too.
Ha! There's bound to be one who's a little unbalanced when you're trying finagle that many at once. Entertaining, if a little confusing at times. |
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Reply: 8 - 23 |
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Geezis |
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 6:56am |
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January Project Group There's always a single malt waiting for you.
LocationGlasgow, Scotland Posts411 Posts Per Day 0.27 |
I liked the story, a lot going on in four pages and executed well. Polygamy isn't as easy as it seems. Well done. |
| If at first you don't succeed........bribe someone. |
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Reply: 9 - 23 |
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khamanna |
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 7:46am |
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January Project Group
Posts4194 Posts Per Day 0.79 |
Lol this is something.
This is great actually. So out of the box and memorable.
I don't like the fact he has a 5 phone. Wish there's a twist and something new at the end. It would make the script unmatchable. Right now it's sort of matchable. You may make it even greater.
But still, great stuff. My fav so far. Nice |
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Reply: 10 - 23 |
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Warren |
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 7:44pm |
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Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.36 |
Hi writer, Was going to comment on the FADE IN and OUT but I see you have actually faded into a visual :/
Quoted Text Though we can only see his hand (that’s all we’ll ever see of him), |
Hmm... considering we aren't meant to see anything, I already think that's too much. I'm really not sure why you added the visuals, I think you could have done it without. Writing's good, story is good, but I don't think this is in the spirit of the challenge, sorry. All the best. |
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Reply: 11 - 23 |
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MarkRenshaw |
Posted: April 19th, 2021, 2:56am |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts2335 Posts Per Day 0.59 |
I liked this. The number of phones became confusing and I think you could reduce them to three max, but this was a great effort. |
| For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK |
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Reply: 12 - 23 |
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Matthew Taylor |
Posted: April 19th, 2021, 11:08am |
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January Project Group
LocationShakespeare's county Posts1770 Posts Per Day 0.89 |
Whoops almost missed this entry.
Hi Writer
I really enjoyed this, great premise (although this feels more comedy than a thriller to me). Not much more to add really other than it was a nice enjoyable story.
The ending could have been tweaked, we already know he sees other women so adding a fifth doesn't actually add anything... should have made it a man.
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42.2
Two steps to writing a good screenplay: 1) Write a bad one 2) Fix it |
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Reply: 13 - 23 |
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Gary in Houston |
Posted: April 19th, 2021, 12:54pm |
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January Project Group
LocationTexas Posts1306 Posts Per Day 0.32 |
Good effort here but like others have noted, no reason to have the visual of the hand grabbing the phones each time. I do think this would work better if you had just one phone and he kept getting interrupted in each call. Overall, good stuff and a fun story to read. Best of luck with it.
Gary |
| Some of my scripts:
Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner The Gambler (short) - OWC winner Skip (short) - filmed Country Road 12 (short) - filmed The Family Man (short) - filmed The Journeyers (feature) - optioned
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Reply: 14 - 23 |
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