Writer,

Pretty good story here, but it didn't go in the direction I was expecting. Gotta admit, it got a little confusing where you had nice tension build up that seemed like it was wasted in "circle goes round and round" ending. Good work, not quite for me.

Steve

Very enjoyable... but needs a couple of reads to really work out what's going on. This might be an issue with a such face paced short; the audience may still be trying to work out what's going on, and it's already over.

I don't get Sherry. Unless I've missed something, she seems superfluous.

Irrespective, it's a great idea, and a very entertaining read. Good luck.

Ha! This was dark. The visual of the multiple phones being placed on the table was clunky and just goofy, but I understand why you chose to do it like that. Would love to see a rewrite where you aren't being held back by a challenge. Still, you did the most with what you had. Another really good entry here.

Hi writer,

Crazy, man… 5 phones. I gotta pay for 4 in this house (me, wife, two daughters), and I'll tell you, that shit ain’t cheap, considering everyone wants all the freakin’ bells and storage whistles associated with the carrier. So I know it would be a nightmare alone just for him to keep that bill a secret from his wife.

Anyway, yeah… this guy needs a better system. I hope he has a divorce lawyer on speed dial on one of those cells, or 5 lawyers on all, cause he'll probably need every one of ‘em. Tragic yet funny, and rings all the bells for the challenge. Well done

Very good. But what if Jake needs to tag the phones so he can tell which one calls who? This way he can say things like “Number two, that’s Lisa. Why the hell is she calling me?” I think this would show that the women are less than equals, just part of the harem that exits to keep him happy.

Hmmm... I was smiling all along when I read this Clueless. It’s well written, that goes without saying. We can debate the merits of whether it’s a thriller or not, but my radar picked up comedy. So I’ll take the ball and run with it. I thought the tone was perfect. The comedy didn't try to overshadow it at all and remained secondary to the overall vibe. Nicely done imho.

My thoughts, may not jive with the writer or the peanut gallery. If not, voodoo doll me. Best of Irish luck! -A

Well, that was unexpected. I like the twists and turns it takes, going further and further down the rabbit hole, and even when you think it's done it goes one step further. I even like that in the end he just ditches the lot and carries on completely unaffected. What a swell guy.

It's quite a juggling act though. A bit more space would have helped this, it's all a bit hurried. It works without visuals, as long as you have distinct sounds for different phones and distinct voices. It would also work visually if you want to give that a go.

All in all, a great entry.

This one cracked me up.
Kinda like a condensed version of, "The Other Woman".
I agree with some of the others about using one phone, but with saying that, I would like to see more of him and watch him sweat as he goes from woman to woman.
Cindy

Thank you everyone for the great comments.

For those that care, I'll offer a quick explanation.

I decided I wanted something that could be shot, not just recorded. I thought if I could keep the visual simple enough, it would still be in the spirit of the challenge. So, I wanted one continuous shot, and only the one visual: the phones on the table. (I knew this was going to cost me with some voters, but I was cool with that, as I really just wanted to get a script out there. It had been too long since my last one.)

So, if I was going to have one visual, I wanted to make it count. And, the idea was that the phones were representative of his proclivities. When you get to 4 phones on the table, yes, it's comical. But, that's who this guy is. When he sweeps the phones off the table and drops a 5th phone, that's how easily he replaces women, including his wife.

That was the idea anyway.

I did know I was riding the line on comedy. I definitely didn't want to cross it. (At one point, I considered leaning into the comedy more, but decided against it.)

I'm glad it didn't win, as I knew I was REALLY close to breaking the challenge. I do think I was within the bounds, but, I understand how others don't.

Again, thanks for all the reads, and the comments. And the votes.