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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    The April 2021 Challenge  ›  Sin Sation - 04C
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Don
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 11:46am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Sin Sation by Blank - Short, Drama - A man must decide if confession over the phone will save his soul. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

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irish eyes
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 3:44pm Report to Moderator
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There`s too much blood in my alcohol

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The man  gets a phone call from God and then Satan... Does that show up on Caller iD?

It was ok for me very straightforward.
I thought he would have confessed or at least given proof it wasn't him and twisted it.

Good job on entering


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JEStaats
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 3:46pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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Okay, this was kind of cool - I liked it. Nice touch with Satan's screen going red, though I could've done without the Luke Skywalker "NO........!" at the end. But that's just me.

I think if the conversation with God was more theological, it may be more engaging and gripping. Something to think about.

Good work, writer.
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eldave1
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 3:49pm Report to Moderator
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Nice effort. Met the challenge parameters for sure.

I liked the twist at the end.

Clever title.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 5:32pm Report to Moderator
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Nice idea, script is bright and breezy.

He seems very quick on the uptake that it's Satan, I think this should be drawn out a little.

Also, and I may have missed it,  but is there a connection between Adam and Samuel.

Decent effort.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Claudio
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 7:02pm Report to Moderator
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Cool concept, nice comeuppance story. Great title haha.

I'm not a huge fan of the changing colors, and the phone as a device here felt out of place.

Good stuff~


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LC
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 12:29am Report to Moderator
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Yep, not bad at all.

Interesting choice using the metronome.
Can I say it could pack an even bigger punch? The ending does for sure, but not a lot of atmos throughout. A little downplayed perhaps as to where Adam actually is. At first I thought a prison? At home in bed?
Clearly I'm being picky.


I'm undecided about the black/white/red thing. That's purely a design choice. Could work well.
Nice job.


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Geezis
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 7:35am Report to Moderator
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There's always a single malt waiting for you.

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Straight forward morality tale. I think it may have been Satan all along but I could be wrong.
Well done.


If at first you don't succeed........bribe someone.
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khamanna
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 7:42am Report to Moderator
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Nice take on a challenge.

Very easy to understand, follow.

The twist is I suppose when we learn he was not God but Satan? Samuel I mean. I wish there was another twist at the end or this one is too subtle for me. I want a twist!
Still, a very good job as is
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jayrex
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 2:45pm Report to Moderator
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Cut to three weeks earlier

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I like it.  Good job.

I like the religious angle.

This meets the challenge.


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PKCardinal
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 3:29pm Report to Moderator
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Worked for me.

I'd like to see even more of the push pull. "You're God, you save him." That's a great line with depth. Even more of that would be great. More of Adam justifying his lack of action.

Overall, good stuff.


PaulKWrites.com

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Gary in Houston
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 4:54pm Report to Moderator
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Some good stuff here. Very clever and I like the idea of "ticking clock" to try and force his decision.  Not sure why you used a metronome other than for the rhythmic "tick tick tick" to it.  I actually would have like to see more interplay between Adam and Satan as he tried to justify not confessing or why he shouldn't be taken.

Good story though and good writing throughout.  Good execution (!) on the challenge.  Best of luck with it.

Gary


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

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Warren
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 5:46pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

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Hi writer,


Quoted Text
ADAM (V.O.)
If you’re God, you save him.
CALLER (V.O.)
It is not my place. It is yours.


I mean, that's kinda what he's doing right? By even making the call?

Anyway... Pretty decent effort, and a clever use of the guidelines, but it was just a bit lackluster for me and I'm not exactly sure why, sorry.

I think this will fall middle of the road for me.

All the best.


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SAC
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 8:38pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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Writer,

I liked the dynamic of a person asking him to confess the sin, but it breaks the reality of it when God and Satan are the callers. You have a good story here, though, but, IMO, just the wrong callers.

Steve


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: April 19th, 2021, 5:03am Report to Moderator
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I liked this. Very good use of the parameters and a nice spin on things.

Great job.


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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