Sin Sation by Blank - Short, Drama - A man must decide if confession over the phone will save his soul. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

The man  gets a phone call from God and then Satan... Does that show up on Caller iD?

It was ok for me very straightforward.
I thought he would have confessed or at least given proof it wasn't him and twisted it.

Good job on entering

Okay, this was kind of cool - I liked it. Nice touch with Satan's screen going red, though I could've done without the Luke Skywalker "NO........!" at the end. But that's just me.

I think if the conversation with God was more theological, it may be more engaging and gripping. Something to think about.

Good work, writer.

Nice effort. Met the challenge parameters for sure.

I liked the twist at the end.

Clever title.

Nice idea, script is bright and breezy.

He seems very quick on the uptake that it's Satan, I think this should be drawn out a little.

Also, and I may have missed it,  but is there a connection between Adam and Samuel.

Decent effort.

Cool concept, nice comeuppance story. Great title haha.

I'm not a huge fan of the changing colors, and the phone as a device here felt out of place.

Good stuff~

Yep, not bad at all.

Interesting choice using the metronome.
Can I say it could pack an even bigger punch? The ending does for sure, but not a lot of atmos throughout. A little downplayed perhaps as to where Adam actually is. At first I thought a prison? At home in bed?
Clearly I'm being picky.


I'm undecided about the black/white/red thing. That's purely a design choice. Could work well.
Nice job.

Straight forward morality tale. I think it may have been Satan all along but I could be wrong.
Well done.

Nice take on a challenge.

Very easy to understand, follow.

The twist is I suppose when we learn he was not God but Satan? Samuel I mean. I wish there was another twist at the end or this one is too subtle for me. I want a twist!
Still, a very good job as is

I like it.  Good job.

I like the religious angle.

This meets the challenge.

Worked for me.

I'd like to see even more of the push pull. "You're God, you save him." That's a great line with depth. Even more of that would be great. More of Adam justifying his lack of action.

Overall, good stuff.

Some good stuff here. Very clever and I like the idea of "ticking clock" to try and force his decision.  Not sure why you used a metronome other than for the rhythmic "tick tick tick" to it.  I actually would have like to see more interplay between Adam and Satan as he tried to justify not confessing or why he shouldn't be taken.

Good story though and good writing throughout.  Good execution (!) on the challenge.  Best of luck with it.

Gary

Hi writer,

Quoted Text ADAM (V.O.) If you’re God, you save him. CALLER (V.O.) It is not my place. It is yours.

I mean, that's kinda what he's doing right? By even making the call?

Anyway... Pretty decent effort, and a clever use of the guidelines, but it was just a bit lackluster for me and I'm not exactly sure why, sorry.

I think this will fall middle of the road for me.

All the best.

Writer,

I liked the dynamic of a person asking him to confess the sin, but it breaks the reality of it when God and Satan are the callers. You have a good story here, though, but, IMO, just the wrong callers.

Steve

I liked this. Very good use of the parameters and a nice spin on things.

Great job.

Hi Writer

It was alright. The premise is great but the story itself could have been so much better. Personally, I think this would work better as a black comedy than a drama, would open it up to new possibilities, ribbing God with the "You save him" and explore that, delve deeper into the forgiving people for their sins no matter what they are.... feels more like a missed opportunity.

Good job thinking outside of the box thought.

Best of luck

Hm, decent enough little tale. Solid twist. Nothing more to really add.

Meh. I was kinda digging it at first, but as soon as Satan called this went downhill fast. Pretty straightforward, maybe this needs a twist? I don't know. Not terrible, but it definitely could be better. Solid effort.

Neat idea, good for you for coming up with it. The first half was strong, it's a terrific setup. The God stuff turns a bit too on the nose for me though, and the Satan follow up was a little too bland. It seems like he dies in the end, but it might be more effective if he just knows what his fate is, and that's all he has to look forward to, much like the death row inmate.

Very Twilight Zone. I liked this one.

Adam gets phone calls from God and Satan. What’s so special about a murdering low-life like Adam? Is it that God and Satan have decided to take the gloves off and are now fighting each other over every soul? What if the accused, Samuel, isn’t another low-life, but a special guy worth God’s effort to save him? But that’s a story for another, much longer, script.

Okay, having read these pages, now.

Here's my takeaway:

Extra points for creativity.

In terms of the actual story, damn good right out of the gate, then lost a bit of steam towards the end here.  The twist was ok, could be better. All that aside, It feels like a variation of a story that's been done before.  Good effort.

All the best,

Ghost

Hi writer,

Strange twist of fate for Adam, the twist being Jesus died for our sins, yet God decides Adam must suffer for his sins… who is Adam to God? Just me thinking out loud.

Satan should have farmed his torment out to a collection agency… calling Adam relentlessly, day and night, driving him insane, even if he changes his number, every phone he passes will ring off the hook till he answers, and the message is always the same… you owe a debt, and we intend to collect.

Imaginative effort, best of luck.