Pages: 1, 2 : All |
Author |
Off the Record - 04C (currently 1076 views) |
Don |
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 11:47am |
|
|
AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16381 Posts Per Day 1.94 |
Off the Record by Deep Throat - Short, Horror - A ambitious reporter makes a shot-in-the-dark call to a suspected murderer. - pdf format
Writer interested in feedback on this work |
| Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.
------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
|
|
|
|
|
irish eyes |
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 3:52pm |
|
|
January Project Group There`s too much blood in my alcohol
LocationUpstate New York Posts1865 Posts Per Day 0.37 |
I liked this one.
Sometimes things are just better left alone.
Suspenseful for only a few short pages and a nice ending(which i won't give away)
The writing was solid as well.
Good job on entering |
| |
|
|
|
Reply: 1 - 21 |
|
|
JEStaats |
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 3:57pm |
|
|
Old Timer No sh*t, there I was....
LocationTucson, AZ Posts1735 Posts Per Day 0.62 |
Hmmm...another entry that stretches the parameters of the challenge. It's going to be difficult to score this entry since it may not work as well, or at all, without the visuals. Tough indeed.
For instance, the crunching on the phone. It's easily remedied by the person saying "Do you like peppermints? I adore them. Can't get enough of them. Sometimes my work...smells. It helps with the smells." Makes it creepier too.
Kudos for entering - Good luck. |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 2 - 21 |
|
|
AnthonyCawood |
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 4:40pm |
|
|
January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4319 Posts Per Day 1.14 |
Apart from having a phone call in it I don't think this fits the parameters.
But I liked the story, you managed to make Key menacing in a very short page count. Well done. |
| |
|
|
|
Reply: 3 - 21 |
|
|
PKCardinal |
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 5:24pm |
|
|
January Project Group
LocationKansas Posts1447 Posts Per Day 0.63 |
I liked it. Good creep factor. Could definitely be told with fewer visuals to better meet the challenge. But, still, it's got a nice, consistent dark tone.
Consider tying the first call to the ending a bit more strongly. For example, if Key gives up a bit of information in the first call, then the second call/visit has more purpose: he's got to tie up a loose end he created.
Well done. Thanks for sharing. |
| PaulKWrites.com
60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature
Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror |
|
|
|
Reply: 4 - 21 |
|
|
Geezis |
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 5:36pm |
|
|
January Project Group There's always a single malt waiting for you.
LocationGlasgow, Scotland Posts411 Posts Per Day 0.27 |
Well written story and a nice twist. Too many visuals though. Well done. |
| If at first you don't succeed........bribe someone. |
|
|
|
Reply: 5 - 21 |
|
|
Gary in Houston |
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 12:28am |
|
|
January Project Group
LocationTexas Posts1306 Posts Per Day 0.32 |
It was a good story, but obviously skirted the challenge by having action blocks that you could only visualize, not hear. I feel like you could do this short very easily without visuals at all and make it very effective. Good idea and best of luck with it.
Gary |
| Some of my scripts:
Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner The Gambler (short) - OWC winner Skip (short) - filmed Country Road 12 (short) - filmed The Family Man (short) - filmed The Journeyers (feature) - optioned
|
|
|
|
Reply: 6 - 21 |
|
|
Claudio |
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 12:30am |
|
|
January Project Group
LocationLos Angeles Posts102 Posts Per Day 0.06 |
I really liked the build up for this, it was getting super spooky.
The associate thing felt random, and it got a little too visual towards the end.
Good stuff~ |
| |
|
|
|
Reply: 7 - 21 |
|
|
jayrex |
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 4:28am |
|
|
Old Timer Cut to three weeks earlier
LocationLondon, UK Posts1420 Posts Per Day 0.22 |
Interesting.
I think after a rewrite this will turn out to be a great little script.
I liked the shadow aspect.
Overall, not bad. |
| |
|
|
|
Reply: 8 - 21 |
|
|
eldave1 |
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 1:34pm |
|
|
January Project Group
LocationSouthern California Posts6874 Posts Per Day 1.95 |
Okay – we are opening with a bunch of visuals……….
And……… more visuals as we continue …. Not a good sign parameter-wise.
And – some more.
Okay – the story and the writing were fine – even solid, IMO. But this reads like a regular visual script with one of the parties on the phone – unseen – and the primary party – seen.
I dunno…..
|
| |
|
|
|
Reply: 9 - 21 |
|
|
Zack |
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 5:53pm |
|
|
January Project Group
LocationErlanger, KY Posts4487 Posts Per Day 0.69 |
Another that's strong on the visuals. Doesn't meet the challenge for me, sorry to say. That said, I still enjoyed this one quite a bit. Really interesting and creepy story here. |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 10 - 21 |
|
|
SAC |
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 9:01pm |
|
|
Of The Ancients … but some dreams do
LocationUpstate NY Posts3201 Posts Per Day 0.79 |
Writer,
Off the record, I gotta admit I liked this one a lot. There were some visuals thrown in, but not enough to make me roll my eyes. But the one thing that kept going through my mind was that this is creepy. Just... Creepy. Very good job.
Steve |
| |
|
|
|
Reply: 11 - 21 |
|
|
Warren |
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 9:09pm |
|
|
Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.36 |
Hi writer,
Quoted Text FADE IN: INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT On the table: a fresh notepad and day-old takeout. Chinese. |
You fade straight into a visual :/
Quoted Text is delicate Mr. Key |
is delicate, Mr. Key Comma needed when addressing someone directly in dialogue.
Quoted Text But you caught me at a vulnerable moment: Mid-shitface.
|
Great line, gave me a chuckle Pretty decent writing on display, but this is another that is too visual heavy IMO, especially considering there shouldn't be any. I liked the idea of this but think the execution could have been better. All the best. |
| |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 12 - 21 |
|
|
MarkRenshaw |
Posted: April 19th, 2021, 6:03am |
|
|
January Project Group
LocationUK Posts2335 Posts Per Day 0.59 |
The story is mainly told via two people talking via a device so this meets those parameters. There are some visuals you couldn't get across as they are with sound, but with some tweaking to the dialogue and SFX and you could.
A straightforward Hitchcock style thriller, but it works well. |
| For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK |
|
|
|
Reply: 13 - 21 |
|
|
Matthew Taylor |
Posted: April 19th, 2021, 6:59am |
|
|
January Project Group
LocationShakespeare's county Posts1770 Posts Per Day 0.89 |
Hi Writer
Well, I am going to buck the trend of the previous comments and say that I wasn't that much of a fan of this. Sure you got across the creepy and the intro of the assassin was good. But you really missed the "why" for me. A wife and 4 children go missing, this would be a big story that countless journalists would have tried to get the scoop on over the years, does this guy just kill any journalist who asks a question? Why would he risk another murder for a two-bit journalist? It was easily solved, the journalist has uncovered information others haven't or Key accidentally said something whilst shit-faced in the first call... but neither of those things happened so the whole sly-way of killing him was just weird.
A lot of the atmosphere was put across with visuals, so I think the boundaries of the parameters are pushed a little too far for me.
Best of luck |
| Feature
42.2
Two steps to writing a good screenplay: 1) Write a bad one 2) Fix it |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 14 - 21 |
|
|
MarkItZero |
Posted: April 19th, 2021, 1:59pm |
|
|
Old Timer
Posts1007 Posts Per Day 0.35 |
KEY (V.O.) Well, I'm shitfaced.
Lol. I like this guy already.
Okay, that was pretty good. A little too obvious what was gonna happen when he said to meet him out back. But then you added a decent twist. Overall not bad at all. |
| That rug really tied the room together. |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 15 - 21 |
|
|
LC |
Posted: April 19th, 2021, 7:10pm |
|
|
Administrator
LocationThe Great Southern Land Posts7581 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
His molars pulvarize hard peppermints or raw walnuts or the knucklebones of his long-lost kin.
Some nice lines. But, you know...
Why come after him? Lucas knows nothing... Unless I missed something? If Key had slipped up while shitfaced I'd get it. He's got away with the crime all these years so a confession of sorts out of nowhere doesn't gel for me.
Great tone. I enjoyed it, but it's not adding up narrative wise for me. Could definitely utilise lots of creepier audio for this.
|
| |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 16 - 21 |
|
|
Gum |
Posted: April 20th, 2021, 5:14pm |
|
|
Been Around
LocationSome travelling Circus... Posts832 Posts Per Day 0.42 |
Hi writer,
Had all the elements of a taught, psychological thriller in just a few pages. Always that damn investigative journalist that just can’t seem to keep their pen in their pants and wants dig up the sordid memories of everyone’s past. Well, he got his final scoop… the dumbass.
Could make for something intriguing if you build a backstory on the murders and flesh it out, but psychological thrillers are a dime a dozen, and if a character isn’t as 3D as Hannibal Lecter nowadays, it goes right into the bargain bin. Good job, Best of luck. |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 17 - 21 |
|
|
khamanna |
Posted: April 20th, 2021, 7:52pm |
|
|
January Project Group
Posts4194 Posts Per Day 0.79 |
This story is jumped and juked for me (even wise) too many times loosing me from time to time. As a result I wan never invested, it's would just loose my attention. It confused me on the first read btw. Then I got who the killer was. I wonder what he did it for though
But it's atmospheric and there's a great flow to dialog. In fact, the dialog is near perfect. At the same time it's too many visuals. |
|
|
|
Reply: 18 - 21 |
|
|
Spqr |
Posted: April 21st, 2021, 12:04pm |
|
|
Posts483 Posts Per Day 0.09 |
Disliking reporters is really not enough motivation to kill them, so I think Key needs more reason to kill him. Unless Key is a serial killer, then no more reason than an annoying call is necessary. As for the Associate, he’s just a complication you probably don’t need in an audio drama. |
|
|
|
Reply: 19 - 21 |
|
|
ghost and_ghostie gal |
Posted: April 21st, 2021, 6:42pm |
|
|
Old Timer
LocationA helluva long way from LA Posts1565 Posts Per Day 0.29 |
On the record, read it, but I'm not weighing in on the pages - I think our esteemed colleagues did a great job of that. Seconded.
Best of luck,
Ghost |
| |
|
Revision History (1 edits) |
| |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 20 - 21 |
|
|
ReneC |
Posted: April 21st, 2021, 11:02pm |
|
|
Old Timer
LocationVancouver, BC Posts1435 Posts Per Day 0.31 |
Well written, good tension, great dialogue, and great...visuals. Yeah.
I think this could be even more suspenseful without the visuals. It's all in the dialogue, the visuals add a lot of flavour but it's just that, flavour. So I think it still fits with the spirit of the challenge. The non-dialogue action can all be done with sound, and that's where the ending would really shine with no visuals I think.
It's really solid, well done. |
| |
|
|
|
Reply: 21 - 21 |
|
Pages: 1, 2 : All |