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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    The April 2021 Challenge  ›  Off the Record - 04C
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  Author    Off the Record - 04C  (currently 1076 views)
Don
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 11:47am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Off the Record by Deep Throat - Short, Horror - A ambitious reporter makes a shot-in-the-dark call to a suspected murderer. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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irish eyes
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 3:52pm Report to Moderator
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There`s too much blood in my alcohol

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I liked this one.

Sometimes things are just better left alone.

Suspenseful for only a few short pages and a nice ending(which i won't give away)

The writing was solid as well.

Good job on entering


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JEStaats
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 3:57pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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Hmmm...another entry that stretches the parameters of the challenge. It's going to be difficult to score this entry since it may not work as well, or at all, without the visuals. Tough indeed.

For instance, the crunching on the phone. It's easily remedied by the person saying "Do you like peppermints? I adore them. Can't get enough of them. Sometimes my work...smells. It helps with the smells." Makes it creepier too.

Kudos for entering - Good luck.
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 4:40pm Report to Moderator
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Apart from having a phone call in it I don't think this fits the parameters.

But I liked the story, you managed to make Key menacing in a very short page count. Well done.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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PKCardinal
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 5:24pm Report to Moderator
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I liked it. Good creep factor. Could definitely be told with fewer visuals to better meet the challenge. But, still, it's got a nice, consistent dark tone.

Consider tying the first call to the ending a bit more strongly. For example, if Key gives up a bit of information in the first call, then the second call/visit has more purpose: he's got to tie up a loose end he created.

Well done. Thanks for sharing.


PaulKWrites.com

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Geezis
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 5:36pm Report to Moderator
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Well written story and a nice twist. Too many visuals though.
Well done.


If at first you don't succeed........bribe someone.
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Gary in Houston
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 12:28am Report to Moderator
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It was a good story, but obviously skirted the challenge by having action blocks that you could only visualize, not hear. I feel like you could do this short very easily without visuals at all and make it very effective.  Good idea and best of luck with it.

Gary


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

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Claudio
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 12:30am Report to Moderator
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I really liked the build up for this, it was getting super spooky.

The associate thing felt random, and it got a little too visual towards the end.

Good stuff~


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jayrex
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 4:28am Report to Moderator
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Cut to three weeks earlier

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Interesting.  

I think after a rewrite this will turn out to be a great little script.

I liked the shadow aspect.

Overall, not bad.


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eldave1
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 1:34pm Report to Moderator
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Okay – we are opening with a bunch of visuals……….

And……… more visuals as we continue …. Not a good sign parameter-wise.

And – some more.

Okay – the story and the writing were fine – even solid, IMO. But this reads like a regular visual script with one of the parties on the phone – unseen – and the primary party – seen.

I dunno…..


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Zack
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 5:53pm Report to Moderator
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Another that's strong on the visuals. Doesn't meet the challenge for me, sorry to say. That said, I still enjoyed this one quite a bit. Really interesting and creepy story here.
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SAC
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 9:01pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Writer,

Off the record, I gotta admit I liked this one a lot. There were some visuals thrown in, but not enough to make me roll my eyes. But the one thing that kept going through my mind was that this is creepy. Just... Creepy. Very good job.

Steve


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Warren
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 9:09pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

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Hi writer,


Quoted Text
FADE IN:
INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT
On the table: a fresh notepad and day-old takeout. Chinese.


You fade straight into a visual :/


Quoted Text
is delicate Mr. Key


is delicate, Mr. Key

Comma needed when addressing someone directly in dialogue.


Quoted Text
But you caught me at a vulnerable
moment: Mid-shitface.


Great line, gave me a chuckle

Pretty decent writing on display, but this is another that is too visual heavy IMO, especially considering there shouldn't be any.

I liked the idea of this but think the execution could have been better.

All the best.


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: April 19th, 2021, 6:03am Report to Moderator
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The story is mainly told via two people talking via a device so this meets those parameters. There are some visuals you couldn't get across as they are with sound, but with some tweaking to the dialogue and SFX and you could.

A straightforward Hitchcock style thriller, but it works well.


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: April 19th, 2021, 6:59am Report to Moderator
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Hi Writer

Well, I am going to buck the trend of the previous comments and say that I wasn't that much of a fan of this.
Sure you got across the creepy and the intro of the assassin was good. But you really missed the "why" for me.
A wife and 4 children go missing, this would be a big story that countless journalists would have tried to get the scoop on over the years, does this guy just kill any journalist who asks a question?
Why would he risk another murder for a two-bit journalist?
It was easily solved, the journalist has uncovered information others haven't or Key accidentally said something whilst shit-faced in the first call... but neither of those things happened so the whole sly-way of killing him was just weird.

A lot of the atmosphere was put across with visuals, so I think the boundaries of the parameters are pushed a little too far for me.

Best of luck


Feature

42.2

Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it
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MarkItZero
Posted: April 19th, 2021, 1:59pm Report to Moderator
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KEY (V.O.)
Well, I'm shitfaced.

Lol. I like this guy already.


Okay, that was pretty good. A little too obvious what was gonna happen when he said to meet him out back. But then you added a decent twist. Overall not bad at all.


That rug really tied the room together.
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LC
Posted: April 19th, 2021, 7:10pm Report to Moderator
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His molars pulvarize hard peppermints or raw walnuts or the
knucklebones of his long-lost kin.


Some nice lines. But, you know...

Why come after him? Lucas knows nothing... Unless I missed something? If Key had slipped up while shitfaced I'd get it. He's got away with the crime all these years so a confession of sorts out of nowhere doesn't gel for me.

Great tone. I enjoyed it, but it's not adding up narrative wise for me.
Could definitely utilise lots of creepier audio for this.


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Gum
Posted: April 20th, 2021, 5:14pm Report to Moderator
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Hi writer,

Had all the elements of a taught, psychological thriller in just a few pages. Always that damn investigative journalist that just can’t seem to keep their pen in their pants and wants dig up the sordid memories of everyone’s past. Well, he got his final scoop… the dumbass.

Could make for something intriguing if you build a backstory on the murders and flesh it out, but psychological thrillers are a dime a dozen, and if a character isn’t as 3D as Hannibal Lecter nowadays, it goes right into the bargain bin. Good job, Best of luck.
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khamanna
Posted: April 20th, 2021, 7:52pm Report to Moderator
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This story is jumped and juked for me (even wise) too many times loosing me from time to time.
As a result I wan never invested, it's would just loose my attention. It confused me on the first read btw. Then I got who the killer was. I wonder what he did it for though

But it's atmospheric and there's a great flow to dialog. In fact, the dialog is near perfect.
At the same time it's too many visuals.
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Spqr
Posted: April 21st, 2021, 12:04pm Report to Moderator
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Disliking reporters is really not enough motivation to kill them, so I think Key needs more reason to kill him. Unless Key is a serial killer, then no more reason than an annoying call is necessary. As for the Associate, he’s just a complication you probably don’t need in an audio drama.
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ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: April 21st, 2021, 6:42pm Report to Moderator
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On the record, read it, but I'm not weighing in on the pages - I think our esteemed colleagues did a great job of that. Seconded.

Best of luck,

Ghost



Revision History (1 edits)
ghost and_ghostie gal  -  April 21st, 2021, 11:32pm
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ReneC
Posted: April 21st, 2021, 11:02pm Report to Moderator
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Well written, good tension, great dialogue, and great...visuals. Yeah.

I think this could be even more suspenseful without the visuals. It's all in the dialogue, the visuals add a lot of flavour but it's just that, flavour. So I think it still fits with the spirit of the challenge. The non-dialogue action can all be done with sound, and that's where the ending would really shine with no visuals I think.

It's really solid, well done.


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