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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    The April 2021 Challenge  ›  Coldwater Two - 04C
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  Author    Coldwater Two - 04C  (currently 1428 views)
Gary in Houston
Posted: April 19th, 2021, 1:17pm Report to Moderator
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So definitely some strong writing chops on display, but I feel like the story could have had more to it.  Plus it seemed like the ending was rushed.  It goes from nothing's happening to all of a sudden all hell is breaking loose.  I would have liked a bit more of a drawn out story.  Have him realize that "oh my God, this thing is going to blow" and then how he reacts to that.

I would really be interested in a reading a longer script on this.

Best of luck with it.
Gary


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

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MarkItZero
Posted: April 19th, 2021, 2:27pm Report to Moderator
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As others have said, I wanted a bit more. Very well written though.


That rug really tied the room together.
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ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: April 19th, 2021, 6:35pm Report to Moderator
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Wow, talk about a quickie. I hate quickie's.   

I loved the read. I have a short attention span so it was perfect.  Sure...a few more pages wouldn't hurt, but I think you accomplished what you set out to do. Effective and to the point. Great job, thoroughly enjoyed it. -A


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LC
Posted: April 19th, 2021, 6:49pm Report to Moderator
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Nicely written, if a little underwhelming.

More conflict needed.
I mean we go from no activity to bam! Which apparently is quite feasible.

I was a bit iffy on the 'Good God' exclamation. Might work better if muttered under breath.

The NZ White Island eruption came to mind.
Great premise. Wish you'd given it more.

https://theconversation.com/ne.....nd-save-lives-142656



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Craig Macken
Posted: April 19th, 2021, 10:03pm Report to Moderator
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Like others above, I feel this is very well written... but too short. So, to give you some (possibly) useful feedback, I'll give you my take on this as a younger non-American.

SUPER: May 18, 1980  -- this date means nothing to me.
Vancouver --  so it's set in Canada, right?
Seismograph -- and it's about an earthquake?
Dome growth -- WTF?

The only clue I get as to what this is really about is 'keep looking at that mountain'. And the only reason I know which mountain, and what happened, is because I read the log-line.

Cheers and good luck!

Revision History (1 edits)
Craig Macken  -  April 20th, 2021, 4:34am
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MarkD
Posted: April 20th, 2021, 12:29am Report to Moderator
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I liked this, despite it being a little too short for my taste. One could very easily go heavy on the technical stuff with something like this but you didn't. Very dramatic and effective.
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Spqr
Posted: April 21st, 2021, 12:06pm Report to Moderator
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Short, but it gets its point across just fine. However, it might work better if you situated it in it’s proper time and place. A simple way would be for Johnston to recite into a tape recorder the date, time and location of the Mount St. Helens eruption, before he calls Vancouver.
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SAC
Posted: April 21st, 2021, 9:14pm Report to Moderator
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Writer,

Damn. You're gonna get a low score from me. Here's why... Your first page had this great foreboding to it, and anyone who remembers Mt St. Helens knows what was coming. You could have built on that, and continued on. You were off to a great start, and you had two plus pages left to play with. I felt the tension rise, then -- BOOM. Nothing. What a letdown. This could have been a good one.

Steve


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Gum
Posted: April 21st, 2021, 10:04pm Report to Moderator
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Hi writer,

I somewhat remember this event, and watching a documentary surrounding the event you’re referring to here (final communication that is), so a retelling from another point of view is clever.

Eerie too, like listening to the actual Pripyat Evacuation Message for the Chernobyl disaster.
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MarkD
Posted: April 25th, 2021, 7:46pm Report to Moderator
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Seriously, this was my most well received script in an OWC thus far and I didn't break the Top 5? Oh well, guess I just gotta keep trying. At least I'm getting better.

Anyway, now I can respond to some of the feedback.

Yes, this was very short. The shortest script I have written thus far. However it appears that I was at least successful at conveying the suddenness of the eruption. I was afraid that if I made the script longer I'd be tempted to inject more technical jargon than I wanted to. I went into that territory with the "dome growth" line.

And now for the fun facts:


Quoted Text
SUPER: May 18, 1980  -- this date means nothing to me.
Vancouver --  so it's set in Canada, right?
Seismograph -- and it's about an earthquake?
Dome growth -- WTF?


May 18, 1980 was the date the eruption happened. Vancouver refers to Vancouver, WA (as noted in the script) which is located about 35 miles from Mt. St. Helens. Seismographs are used not only to monitor earthquakes but also volcanic activity as such movements cause seismic waves. For the last one I'll defer to Wikipedia:


Quoted Text
By April 7, the combined crater was 1,700 by 1,200 feet (520 by 370 m) and 500 feet (150 m) deep. A USGS team determined in the last week of April that a 1.5-mile-diameter (2.4 km) section of St. Helens' north face was displaced outward by at least 270 feet (82 m). For the rest of April and early May this bulge grew by five to six feet (1.5 to 1.8 m) per day, and by mid-May it extended more than 400 feet (120 m) north. As the bulge moved northward, the summit area behind it progressively sank, forming a complex, down-dropped block called a graben. Geologists announced on April 30 that sliding of the bulge area was the greatest immediate danger and that such a landslide might spark an eruption. These changes in the volcano's shape were related to the overall deformation that increased the volume of the volcano by 0.03 cubic miles (0.13 km3) by mid-May. This volume increase presumably corresponded to the volume of magma that pushed into the volcano and deformed its surface. Because the intruding magma remained below ground and was not directly visible, it was called a cryptodome, in contrast to a true lava dome exposed at the surface.


Needless to say, the conversation depicted in the script didn't happen in real life. Johnston reported his observations to the Vancouver office at about 6 AM that morning. However the last line is in fact what he transmitted to Vancouver as the eruption was starting.

Coldwater Two was the name of the observation post which was located two miles north of the mountain.

Dan refers to Dan Miller, another USGS volcanologist based at Vancouver who was at the time of the eruption on his way to relieve Johnston.

Martin refers to Gerry Martin, a ham radio operator who was observing the mountain for the Washington Department of Emergency Services. He was located on another ridge 2 miles further north of Coldwater Two. He witnessed Johnston's position being overtaken by the ash cloud. Like Johnston, he too perished in the eruption.

And finally, Barry Voight is a geologist who famously predicted that Mt. St. Helens would erupt laterally rather than straight up. He is also the brother of actor Jon Voight and songwriter James Voight (better known as Chip Taylor).

Thanks once again everyone and see you in the next OWC!
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Craig Macken
Posted: April 25th, 2021, 8:11pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Mark. Lots of interesting info there -- which can't, and shouldn't, be spelled out in a script, of course. Perhaps I'm not your target audience for this one. Cheers!
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