Vacuum by Ham the Chimp - Short, Sci Fi - All a lonely Astronaut wants is a little help from Control.  - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

I'm assuming Woman and Commander Goodwin are the same person? If so just use one name, if not you've lost me at the start

I like the idea but I'm not sure I quite understand what's happening and why Control are so inept?

Is it some form of time loop?

This seems like there should be more to this. You had more than a page to really ramp up the desperation and or despair. Maybe the WHY she didn't want to die. Not quite sure why control was so useless either.

Great premise, it just needed more context, I think. You nailed the parameters, though.

Kudos for entering and good luck!

Read a couple of times and I’m still confused. There is danger but too much in a short story, an adrift ship, a hole in the hull, oxygen depletion and a collision. But no real tension. Might have been better to just have one.
Well done.

Parameters nailed - BUT - I am really confused. Didn't get the 2nd half of this at all. I loved the singing and thought we would move on from that and then.... back to where we started - I think???

The dialogue for the COMM was off for me - too casual. Should have been more of a command presence IMO

It's okay.  It feels a bit repetitive.  A bit of humour in there.  I guessed the ending was coming.

Meets the challenge.

I liked the humour and sarcasm of the female character in this.

WOMAN
"One of the great adventures" my
ass.

Seems she's thwarted at every turn due to the dumb arse Control.
The plot was a teensy bit repetitive. The singing was a nice touch. Not sure it lent itself to only audio play.

Nice bit at the end but I really feel a story set in space relies on its visuals for us to really feel it.
I enjoyed it.

Have to admit this one confused me a bit with the looping at the end. Maybe the command mod was on the ship and not back on earth?  That would explain it a little more.

While it’s an interesting idea and well-written for the most part, the confusion of the story maybe set it back a bit for me. Good effort though. Best of luck with it.

Gary

I'm sorry, but I don't get it. The looping back at the end is thoroughly confusing.

I'll come back here after the challenge for the writer's explanation because I'm sure there is one.

Hi writer,

Quoted Text WOMAN Come on girl

Come on, girl.

Quoted Text CONTROL (COMMS) Copy Explorer two

Copy, Explorer two.

Quoted Text COMMANDER GOODWIN That's fine control

That's fine, control.

Comma needed when addressing someone directly in dialogue.

I have no idea what you were going for with this one. Another script where I'll need the writer to weigh in after the challenge ends.

The writing needs a bit of work but is generally good.

Congrats on getting an entry in.

All the best.

Hi writer,

I get the severity of the situation here, but I don’t think Goodwin does. If you work for NASA (North American pSyop Administration), then yes… you take orders from mission control, but if your out in the wild black yonder, then… think for yourself and change course of trajectory… real time comms are out of sync as well when you’re in deep space, depending how far you are from Earth, transmission lag from ground control to a spaceship could be several minutes, not seconds.

The story is within parameters and has that ‘je ne sais pas’ aspect of a dire situation, or SHTF going on, so it was actually a fast-paced read. All in all, the entry fits the challenge, just feel like it needs another angle of approach to fully encapsulate what you were going for, best of luck.

Struggled to follow what was going on here. The astronaut seemed to be running out of oxygen, then seemed to be about to collide with debris and then seemed to be about to collide with debris again.

Well written and certainly all audio, it could have done with a bit more to get across the premise.

-Mark

Cool idea. For me, the thing that makes these time loop/time distortion situations interesting is how it will affect the characters having to go through it.

There's an episode on Calls (Apple TV show) where a guy drives through an anomaly and seconds for him become years for everyone else. But what really makes it interesting is that he's driving away from his pregnant wife because he's terrified of that responsibility. And he ends up experiencing his son grow up without him.

You have Commander Goodwin singing a song. So maybe that's something her mother sang to her. Or that she sang to her daughter... a daughter who disappeared and Goodwin has been (unconsciously) searching the cosmos ever since for a sign.

It could be anything, of course. But I think if you start with the human element it will be easier to flesh this out into a full-fledged story.

I liked the wise cracks in the opening.

To me, this appears like some imaginary space situation. A child's game that keeps resetting. A bored parent? Or something else? A surreal space vortex time loop.

Outside of the box, for sure. Interesting.

A lot of good moments in this script, but I think it needs a few more pages to breathe.

The witty banter, the song, the vacuum-o'-space death were my personal highlights.

Good stuff, hope there's more~

I see what you did there. I had a very similar idea based on a short story I wrote twenty years ago (God...is it actually twenty-five?) and was going to write it, but it has a different story and needed visuals to be effective.

Oxygen deprivation is carte blanche for having fun with someone going out of their mind. The song, the repetition of events leading to her end, the lines blurred between hallucination and reality. It also makes for a confusing mess of a story if someone doesn't know what's happening, if that is what's happening here. It helps to spell it out at some point, even in these final moments.

Nice character from her, good non-visual descriptions. Well done.

Maybe I'm not very bright but I don't know what "COMMS" mean.

And two out of three of your characters start with C. Then you have Comms which also start with C. So, now the character names are all visually blended for me.

I don't see much story in here. Just wish it was more. And the dialog could be more engaging as well I think.

Quoted from khamanna Maybe I'm not very bright but I don't know what "COMMS" mean. And two out of three of your characters start with C. Then you have Comms which also start with C. So, now the character names are all visually blended for me. I don't see much story in here. Just wish it was more. And the dialog could be more engaging as well I think.

It just means they are talking over the communications system.

No my entry, just clarifying

I liked the comedy, but couldn't get into the situation. Don't think I got the looping bit either (if that's what it is... and if it's not, then I still didn't get it.)

The comedy was very good though. Good luck.

Ya' had me until the end. What's with the repeat in dialog? You implying some kind of time loop? Writing is great. You met the challenge. But unfortunately, you just didn't stick the landing. Solid effort here that could use some clarity.

A story about a doomed astronaut has potential, but Commander Goodwin doesn’t do anything to get herself out of a bad spot except keep asking Control to give her permission to change trajectory, then begs for them to come get her. She’s way too passive for anyone to really care what happens to her.

Writer,

Genre says sci-fi, but kinda thought comedy here, as well. Seemed like it was trying to be, or maybe had some inadvertant comedy. That said, I don't think that's what you were going for, which kind of leaves this one up in the air for me. Didn't feel complete, and felt rushed.

Steve

Some quick thoughts:

If the reason for the Captain's confusion is from low oxygen levels, then Rene's appraisal of your work is spot on. That makes the most sense, but if we're totally off base, then I'm afraid I'm adrift at sea.

Big sci-fi fan here -- so I like most of it, but some clarity may be warranted. Hope the writer chimes in.

All the best,

Ghost

Apologies for the head scratcher lol

Rene gets me