SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 6:11am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    The April 2021 Challenge  ›  
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author      (currently 2030 views)
Don
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 11:48am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
Fatal Distraction by Not Again... - aka L. Chambers.  Short, Drama - A woman is forced to make a choice whether to forgive her husband after the death of their child while in his care. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
LC  -  July 13th, 2021, 11:45pm
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
eldave1
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 1:43pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6874
Posts Per Day
1.95

Quoted Text
AVA Do you have children, Mr Swinton.


Needs a ? at the end.

This is another excellent premise. It does take two reads to get the bearing straight given all the back and forth (i.e., it gets a bit confusing given all of the characters that you have introduced) – BUT – once filmed (or recorded) – I don’t think there will be any confusion at all (because we’ll hear the different voices).

I like the frantic nature of this. I like the cautionary tale – nice job.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 -
AnthonyCawood
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 4:52pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
UK
Posts
4319
Posts Per Day
1.14
Struggled with the chronology of the calls a little here, but figured it out with a quick re-read.

I may be being too simplistic here, but why is Ava even questioning testifying against Dan?

Powerful though.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 2 -
JEStaats
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 6:34pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


No sh*t, there I was....

Location
Tucson, AZ
Posts
1735
Posts Per Day
0.62
I reread this a couple times and I think I've got it. Very interesting approach to such a nightmarish event. It was difficult discerning between voicemail and actually conversations, especially the recorded conversations (I think?). Valiant effort here, good work.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 3 -
MarkItZero
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 9:10pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1007
Posts Per Day
0.35
So, is the frantic shifting back and forth kind of to represent her indecision where she's battling all these emotions trying to forgive her husband? I like that a lot, if that is what you're going for.

I think it's probably hamstrung by the phone/non-visual parameters and could work a lot better visually with obvious flashbacks we can see.

Was an interesting read, something different, so kudos for that.


That rug really tied the room together.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 4 -
Geezis
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 7:18am Report to Moderator
January Project Group


There's always a single malt waiting for you.

Location
Glasgow, Scotland
Posts
411
Posts Per Day
0.27
Emotive and cautionary. Very well written.
Well done.


If at first you don't succeed........bribe someone.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 -
khamanna
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 8:00am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
4194
Posts Per Day
0.79
For some reason I'm not understanding the ending - could be just Ava relieving the event.

Oh, I know the reason - I"m not smart at all.

But this is a nice tale. Very straightforward despite being a jam of many calls back to back and quite a story told only through phone conversations. You managed very well - I understood all of it which is big (well, a bit at the end is not very clearly but it's a small part of it)

Nice work overall. Really good
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 -
Rob
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 11:41am Report to Moderator
New


Posts
218
Posts Per Day
0.11
This is effectively sad. The conversation snippets work. Perhaps there is some small bit of hope at the end.

At first I was looking for a pattern in the calls. One caller branches off to the next one and so on. The lawyer connects with the mother and another person connects with her and so on down the line. In the end, it seems that that was not the case.

Total upheaval for all involved. Interesting script.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 -
jayrex
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 12:18pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Cut to three weeks earlier

Location
London, UK
Posts
1420
Posts Per Day
0.22
Interesting take on the premise.

My one gripe is with the phone call where Dan tells Ava their daughter has died.  I believe this would be face-to-face.  It's fairly tacky and impersonal to do it by phone call.  I would imagine if it wasn't for the parameters you wouldn't have written it like this.

Meets the challenge.


Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 8 -
Claudio
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 3:21pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Los Angeles
Posts
102
Posts Per Day
0.06
I think you really nailed the parameters and the premise, excellent work there.

And holy crap, you really stuck the landing with conveying a flashback on the page that would also work for audio. Well done.

Some of the dialogue could be streamlined, but I'm nitpicking.

Awesome stuff~


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 9 -
PKCardinal
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 4:15pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Kansas
Posts
1447
Posts Per Day
0.63
Super strong script. The chaos of it mirrors the chaos in her mind. So many voices telling her what's right or wrong.

And, I love the choice to tell it out of order.

Every bit of it is reflective of her mindset. That's excellent.

Love how you finished it.


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature
Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 10 -
Warren
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 5:17pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

Location
Sydney, Australia
Posts
3897
Posts Per Day
1.36
Hi writer,


Quoted Text
BARRY
Ava, Barry Swinton... I thought we
might be have just one last
conversation about your testimony
before -


Something's not quite right.

Excellent entry here, really well structured and easy to follow. It really pulls at the heart strings. Needs another small edit for sentence structure and grammar but otherwise hard to fault.

All the best.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 11 -
SAC
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 8:20pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

Location
Upstate NY
Posts
3201
Posts Per Day
0.79
Writer,

for me, this kind of jumped all over the place. I'm feeling that was intentional. Distracting at first, then it made sense. Damn. I actually FELT this at times, so good work there. Good entry.

Steve


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 12 -
Gary in Houston
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 9:07pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Texas
Posts
1306
Posts Per Day
0.32
For me, this was a little disconcerting how much it was jumping all over the place, but after reflecting on it I'm sure it matches up with the chaos going on in her life after the death of a child.  Good idea and well played out.  Needs some editing if you do a re-write, but otherwise good job here.  Best of luck with it.

Gary


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 13 -
MarkRenshaw
Posted: April 19th, 2021, 5:56am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
UK
Posts
2335
Posts Per Day
0.59
I got completely lost reading this. I see from the comments everyone else got it so I feel thick. It's like there are flashbacks going on with the calls but I don't know who's talking to who or when. This will probably work much better as audio as it will be more obvious. I'll probably revisit this and read it again once I've been through the rest.


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 14 -
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    The April 2021 Challenge  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006