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Soul Chat - 04C (currently 734 views) |
Don |
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 11:49am |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16426 Posts Per Day 1.93 |
Soul Chat by Moloch - Short, Thriller - A bored student strikes up a chat with a stranger who knows him far better than he thinks. - pdf format
Writer interested in feedback on this work |
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------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
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JEStaats |
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 4:11pm |
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Old Timer No sh*t, there I was....
LocationTucson, AZ Posts1735 Posts Per Day 0.62 |
Firstly, the formatting bugged the crap out of me.
Thankfully, it was totally worth it. I'm not quite sure if this was a phone call or live chat, but it was pretty cool. This is the first entry I've read that hasn't had any sound effects or background noise, too.
Good work, writer. |
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Reply: 1 - 23 |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 4:13pm |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4323 Posts Per Day 1.13 |
Small nitpick... She introduces herself as Lacie, I'd use that rather than Unknown.
Liked the idea, nice twist, worked well and could be 'filmed' easily.
Good effort |
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Zack |
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 5:30pm |
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January Project Group
LocationErlanger, KY Posts4499 Posts Per Day 0.69 |
Agree with Anthony that the way you introduced the character Lacie confused me. And also agree with John that the format bugged the crap out of me. And finally, I also agree with them that this is a creative and satisfying story. Good work. |
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Claudio |
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 6:52pm |
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January Project Group
LocationLos Angeles Posts102 Posts Per Day 0.06 |
Really neat, well done. I liked the left turn, classic comeuppance story.
It's definitely not audio in my opinion, I think this is a "text-on-screen" type of thing.
Regardless, good stuff~
*eldave pointed out that a fully text script fits the parameters. I totally missed that, nice work~ |
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Revision History (1 edits) |
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Reply: 4 - 23 |
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PKCardinal |
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 9:40pm |
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January Project Group
LocationKansas Posts1448 Posts Per Day 0.63 |
Good stuff. Rolled it out nicely.
For the purposes of the challenge, the formatting didn't bother me. But, I wouldn't leave it as such otherwise.
Of course, you could easily make this yourself, in which case the formatting doesn't matter one bit.
Thanks for sharing. |
| PaulKWrites.com
60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature
Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror |
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Reply: 5 - 23 |
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jayrex |
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 2:57am |
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Old Timer Cut to three weeks earlier
LocationLondon, UK Posts1420 Posts Per Day 0.22 |
Not bad.
The credit card thing, made me think he was chatting with a lady of the night, or a scammer.
Definitely meets the challenge. |
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Geezis |
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 6:48am |
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January Project Group There's always a single malt waiting for you.
LocationGlasgow, Scotland Posts411 Posts Per Day 0.27 |
Apart from being slightly confused on the last page I totally get it. The formatting, the texting, the mystery. I don't think the last page worked well, turned into a vengeance text and sort of ruined it for me a bit but I liked this nonetheless. Well done. |
| If at first you don't succeed........bribe someone. |
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eldave1 |
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 1:12pm |
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January Project Group
LocationSouthern California Posts6874 Posts Per Day 1.94 |
I appreciate the attempt at a new format – thought it was interesting. I did get confused in some places as to whether they were texting or talking (NOTE – finished – no longer confused).
Okay – done – I really liked this a lot. Very clever use of the parameters and a very compelling little story. You get very high marks from me.
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Gum |
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 6:33pm |
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Been Around
LocationSome travelling Circus... Posts832 Posts Per Day 0.41 |
Hi writer,
Okay, definitely a unique approach to the challenge, it was also creepy and somewhat surreal… communication from beyond the aether.
Because you’re, or Chris for that matter is typing, stilted responses, or second guessing words and thoughts won’t really work, as in:
Is he...can I talk to him?
This is more like conversation and the mind changing gears mid thought, but it only shows once or twice so no biggy. It’s got a ‘When Bad Things Happen to Good People’ book type vibe, so it works for me, but then there’s the Deux ex Machina, the ghost lurking in the machine somewhere that makes it interesting to keep reading… best of luck. |
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Warren |
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 8:00pm |
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Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.35 |
Hi writer,
I'd be lying if I said I liked the formatting, it hurts my eyes.
I liked where this was going, I didn't like where it ended up.
Can't comment on the screenwriting, because there isn't any.
The twist really destroyed the setup for me. I think you have something here that would work really well with a bit of a rewrite.
All the best. |
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Revision History (1 edits) |
Warren - April 19th, 2021, 5:14pm | | |
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MarkRenshaw |
Posted: April 19th, 2021, 3:23am |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts2335 Posts Per Day 0.58 |
I really like this. It's creative and cheap to film. I mean, you could film it exactly as it appears on the page.
I also appreciate the format, it is inventive and stands out.
Excellent work. |
| For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK |
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Reply: 11 - 23 |
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Matthew Taylor |
Posted: April 19th, 2021, 4:05am |
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January Project Group
LocationShakespeare's county Posts1770 Posts Per Day 0.88 |
Hi Writer
Don't have too much to add other than I enjoyed it, and the twist. The format didn't bother me as it worked for what it was.
Not sure what was happening at the end. A quick google for the translation and I get something like "you may enter" so has he just given her permission to enter his body? I wouldn't know the translation without googling it though.
Nice work
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42.2
Two steps to writing a good screenplay: 1) Write a bad one 2) Fix it |
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LC |
Posted: April 19th, 2021, 5:23am |
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Administrator
LocationThe Great Southern Land Posts7625 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
For some reason it didn't get to me like I think it could - with some tweaks. I get that it's text only.
Even texting is not done in a vacuum though. Sometimes it's effective on its own, but... My advice, which obviously you can take or leave, is add some atmosphere and some sound effects. It felt lacking in another dimension.
I liked the Chili Peppers joke.
It took a bit long getting there for me.
This: Pleasevggggg etc. The words at the end should freak me out, but they didn't.
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Gary in Houston |
Posted: April 19th, 2021, 12:23pm |
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January Project Group
LocationTexas Posts1306 Posts Per Day 0.31 |
If this is an "audio" challenge, what are we going to hear? Clicking on a keyboard? If they were talking back and forth I think I would be much more on board with it. I understand the format, it basically looks like your texts on a cellphone. So it's clever, and unique, but again, not within the scope of the challenge.
I also feel like I've seen this type of story done before, but I did like the twist at the end, so good job there. Overall, a good effort, just doesn't meet the challenge in my mind. Best of luck with it.
Gary |
| Some of my scripts:
Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner The Gambler (short) - OWC winner Skip (short) - filmed Country Road 12 (short) - filmed The Family Man (short) - filmed The Journeyers (feature) - optioned
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MarkItZero |
Posted: April 19th, 2021, 2:04pm |
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Old Timer
Posts1007 Posts Per Day 0.34 |
Interesting take on the challenge. If this is phone text message maybe you could do it like we're looking at an iphone screen, with those little bubble message things? But if it's an internet chat site this works as is.
Dialogue could maybe use some tightening, but the twist is solid.
Good effort. |
| That rug really tied the room together. |
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SAC |
Posted: April 19th, 2021, 7:52pm |
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Of The Ancients … but some dreams do
LocationUpstate NY Posts3208 Posts Per Day 0.78 |
Writer,
I'm noticing a few scripts with the unknown caller, or in this case, texter, premise. This one works the best I think, but what started out as very intriguing fell into something formulaic and not as creative as I would have hoped it'd be. I give you decent marks here, but this is a story that could have been a lot better, and something I'd like to see revisited when the challenge ends. Good work.
Steve |
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ReneC |
Posted: April 20th, 2021, 10:24pm |
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Old Timer
LocationVancouver, BC Posts1435 Posts Per Day 0.31 |
Very interesting idea here. The dialogue is great, it has a point, it has a twist ending that works, and all by text message. Fantastic job. My nitpicks are that it doesn't seem like he gets this text out of the blue, it seems like he was almost expecting to be chatting with some stranger. Either way, make that clear. The name reveal is unfortunate because Lacie and Licet are close enough that I was stuck for a moment trying to reconcile what she was hinting at. It took a bit for me to go back to the beginning and see she did introduce herself as Lacie. And...do people really text everything out anymore? No misspelled words or shortcuts? Doesn't seem real. Seriously, just "shoot" this. It would be dead simple, animated texts and phone sound effects. Use a score if you feel it has to be there, but it would be interesting to see this played out as written. Great job! |
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Spqr |
Posted: April 21st, 2021, 12:00pm |
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Posts483 Posts Per Day 0.09 |
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Rob |
Posted: April 21st, 2021, 5:56pm |
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Posts218 Posts Per Day 0.11 |
This might be a little rough around the edges, but I like it. Classic revenge tale. Reminds me a little of The Ring. I wonder how this would read using a more traditional format. A time period might help, too. In my mind, this was happening during the '90s.
Shouldn't the ghost be more upset with the dead brother who was messing with the radio? Wasn't that the true root of the crash? |
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MarkItZero |
Posted: April 25th, 2021, 8:39pm |
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Old Timer
Posts1007 Posts Per Day 0.34 |
Thanks all for the notes!
This had a bunch of stops and starts cuz I wanted to do it as an iphone text message with creepy images at the end. But then I realized I had no idea how to do that. So I screwed around with a Word document for hours and this was the best I could come up with. Glad to see it worked for the most part.
I will definitely try to do something more with this one in the future. |
| That rug really tied the room together. |
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Zack |
Posted: April 25th, 2021, 8:51pm |
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January Project Group
LocationErlanger, KY Posts4499 Posts Per Day 0.69 |
Thanks all for the notes!
This had a bunch of stops and starts cuz I wanted to do it as an iphone text message with creepy images at the end. But then I realized I had no idea how to do that. So I screwed around with a Word document for hours and this was the best I could come up with. Glad to see it worked for the most part.
I will definitely try to do something more with this one in the future. |
Really creative and ambitious stuff here, James. Am definitely interested in seeing what you do with this in the future. And the idea of creepy images coming in at the end... That could be amazing if tou figure out a way to make it work. |
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MarkRenshaw |
Posted: April 26th, 2021, 8:31am |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts2335 Posts Per Day 0.58 |
This was one of two I marked as excellent. I love this and it would be very easy to produce. Well done, James. |
| For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK |
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MarkItZero |
Posted: April 26th, 2021, 1:21pm |
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Old Timer
Posts1007 Posts Per Day 0.34 |
Thanks, not letting this one gather dust like I always do and waste good notes.
Rest of this year is all about getting stuff done. |
| That rug really tied the room together. |
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