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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    The April 2021 Challenge  ›  A Fool's Errand - 04C
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  Author    A Fool's Errand - 04C  (currently 1176 views)
Don
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 11:49am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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A Fool's Errand by Bob The Builder - Short, Comedy - Have you ever wondered what it's like to order non-existent objects? - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 3:16pm Report to Moderator
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Like the setup but the items listed are overused, needs some original items to make it funnier.

(my personal fave was always 'a bag of sparks')


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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JEStaats
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 4:50pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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Short and sweet. You still had a page and a half that you could've reeled the supervisor into the mix. I' surprised Ralph Lauren Paints haven't come up with Tartan paint yet. They've darn near everything else.

Good entry - meets the mark.
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eldave1
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 6:26pm Report to Moderator
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Parameters met.

Several grammar issues throughout. Example - This:


Quoted Text
Please hold on sir, I’m new and learning the ropes?


Needs to be:

Please hold on, Sir.  I’m new and learning the ropes.

The story isn't quite finished in my opinion. It needs a twist at the end.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Geezis
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 8:03am Report to Moderator
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There's always a single malt waiting for you.

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An old joke, well worn so needed a new twist at the end, try ordering a genuine item that sounds dodgy - StopCock or similar. If the operator is new then he might not know what that is and end with a short discussion with the caller getting exasperated.
Nicely written though.
Well done.


If at first you don't succeed........bribe someone.
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Rob
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 8:07am Report to Moderator
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The basic idea has merit. Ordering items via the phone can be a harrowing experience for both the merchant and the customer.

Is the customer ordering nonsense items to get back at the merchant for not having the tartan paint that was available just a few weeks earlier? Or it the tartan paint itself just a nonsense item? If that's the case, the caller is just a jerk. Not sure if that's enough to carry the script.

Remove the question mark in "I'm new and learning the ropes?"

The dialogue needs to be sharpened. It feels odd for the merchant to announce his newness in the way that he does.



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Gum
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 10:57am Report to Moderator
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Hi writer,

This is humorous in its own way, the strange items that be. Tartan paint would be a hot commodity if it was sold by ‘Clans’ as opposed to colors, a ‘Clan Wheel’ if you will. Mind you, probably not a bad idea, they do have Oxford Blue you can buy, but I digress.

Rubber nails, lol… probably under the same SKU as rubber underwear. Quick, quirky read, and hits all the needed challenge parameters.
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Claudio
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 2:28pm Report to Moderator
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I missed the train on this one at first. Never heard of tartan before and thought it was a color lol...
Turns out it's plaid. Regional difference?

I was expecting a bigger button on this one, like that the "new guy" would give the "old guy" "the business".
Like maybe after he messes with him with the elbow grease and headlight fluid and what not, the old guy has a problem with his computer or smth.

The new guy tells him to delete system 32 or run a powerful magnet over his computer to stabilize it. lol...

Good stuff, hope this gets an update~


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irish eyes
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 7:07pm Report to Moderator
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I'm in construction 22 years, heard these over and over and over.

There need to be some sort of story or turnaround...

It would work better if the new guy was able to provide everything or at least say he has everything in stock.

Not Bad

good job on entering


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Warren
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 10:31pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Hi writer,


Quoted Text
Please hold on sir


hold on, sir.

Comma required when addressing someone directly in dialogue.

This is a pretty old and done bit. Didn't really bring anything new to the table.

Congrats on getting an entry in.

All the best.


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: April 19th, 2021, 7:38am Report to Moderator
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Reads like a sketch based on an old joke. I'm partial to the Two Ronnies 'Fork Handles' variation myself.

Meets the parameters, just not enough story or variation to float my particular boat.


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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khamanna
Posted: April 19th, 2021, 7:55am Report to Moderator
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Oh ok.

Well it's well written.

It's very well written and meets the requirements.

That's about it.
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LC
Posted: April 19th, 2021, 8:17am Report to Moderator
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I loved the Fork Handles sketch too.
Tartan paint is funny, and you're onto something here,  but this just didn't quite hit the mark for me.


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Matthew Taylor
Posted: April 19th, 2021, 10:37am Report to Moderator
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Hi Writer

If this is to be a new radio sketch then you need new material, all of these are well-known pranks, if you can find something fresh then it would be a nice sketch.

I've also seen a bucket of steam, a skirting board ladder and sparks for the grinder. In my youth I was sent to the stores to ask for a "long weight"... took me bloody ages to realize.

Anyway, best of luck with it.


Feature

42.2

Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it
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Gary in Houston
Posted: April 19th, 2021, 1:09pm Report to Moderator
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So a good effort in meeting the parameters.  I liked Mark's idea that he turns the prank back on the prankster. Maybe he fulfills all the non-existent orders and then sticks him with an outrageous bill.

I think this one has some merit and just needs a little dustup to make it work.  Best of luck with it.
Gary


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

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MarkItZero
Posted: April 19th, 2021, 4:12pm Report to Moderator
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To be honest, I had no clue what was going on here. But reading the comments, I think I get it now... sort of. People prank hardware stores by asking for fake items? Or send kids to stores with fake shopping lists as a joke? I'm hearing these things so they must be true. I guess I learned something.

I like Gary and Irish Eye's idea about having it turned around where he fulfills the whole list.


That rug really tied the room together.
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ReneC
Posted: April 19th, 2021, 6:06pm Report to Moderator
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It made me smile, so good job with the humour. I had hoped for a button on it, something to punch up the ending like it was his friends pranking him or a parent who called to wish him luck but couldn't resist pulling his leg, something to give it a story. Or if the final thing was something genuine but sounds like it's made up and he hangs up on the guy and then the supervisor comes over asking how he's doing and the kid learns it's a real thing...

It's a decent entry, it just needs something more.


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Craig Macken
Posted: April 19th, 2021, 6:21pm Report to Moderator
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I actually don't mind the caller telling old jokes... it shows what a dick he is. The humor could then be in the newbie's (unknowingly) witty replies, eg the spirit level bubble: Would you like that bubble-wrapped? Or air-freighted?.

It just needs more of a story-line... and a more satisfying ending.

The concept itself is good and the script is well-written... definitely something you could work on and have some fun with.

All the best.
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ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: April 19th, 2021, 6:21pm Report to Moderator
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Right of the top, I'll try not to reiterate other’s suggestions/observation.

For me, the problem is that the idea isn't in any way new, a running joke in need of a new pair of sneakers. It's a short so you're allowed to have a tomato surprise ending, but it should be fresh tomato. If that makes sense. Good effort though. My thoughts may not jive with the writer or the peanut gallery.  Feel free to stick more pins in the voodoo doll.-A


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SAC
Posted: April 20th, 2021, 5:08am Report to Moderator
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… but some dreams do

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Writer,

Left handed screwdriver! Ha. You had a decent set up, but it turned out mostly to be a quick skit. Don’t know where else you could have taken this. As is, it’s cute but doesn’t pack much of a comedic punch.

Steve


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Zack
Posted: April 20th, 2021, 12:52pm Report to Moderator
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Simple prank call story. Short and sweet. Innocent humor. Well written. Meets the challenge. Great job.
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Spqr
Posted: April 21st, 2021, 12:14pm Report to Moderator
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Michael is a total jerk, picking on the hapless new guy. Which is not  a bad way to go if the new guy can manage to turn the tables on Michael.
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jayrex
Posted: April 26th, 2021, 3:24pm Report to Moderator
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Cut to three weeks earlier

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Thanks everyone for the feedback.

I worked for a store called B&Q, the brits will know it.

So many kids, apprentices sent there for random requests.  Always wanted to use it in a story.


Quoted from irish eyes
I'm in construction 22 years, heard these over and over and over.

There need to be some sort of story or turnaround...

It would work better if the new guy was able to provide everything or at least say he has everything in stock.

Not Bad

good job on entering


Great feedback Irish Eyes.  It certainly will turn the tables.


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