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A Fool's Errand - 04C (currently 1176 views) |
Don |
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 11:49am |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16381 Posts Per Day 1.94 |
A Fool's Errand by Bob The Builder - Short, Comedy - Have you ever wondered what it's like to order non-existent objects? - pdf format
Writer interested in feedback on this work |
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------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 3:16pm |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4319 Posts Per Day 1.14 |
Like the setup but the items listed are overused, needs some original items to make it funnier.
(my personal fave was always 'a bag of sparks') |
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Reply: 1 - 22 |
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JEStaats |
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 4:50pm |
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Old Timer No sh*t, there I was....
LocationTucson, AZ Posts1735 Posts Per Day 0.62 |
Short and sweet. You still had a page and a half that you could've reeled the supervisor into the mix. I' surprised Ralph Lauren Paints haven't come up with Tartan paint yet. They've darn near everything else.
Good entry - meets the mark. |
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Reply: 2 - 22 |
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eldave1 |
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 6:26pm |
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January Project Group
LocationSouthern California Posts6874 Posts Per Day 1.95 |
Parameters met. Several grammar issues throughout. Example - This:
Quoted Text Please hold on sir, I’m new and learning the ropes? |
Needs to be: Please hold on, Sir. I’m new and learning the ropes. The story isn't quite finished in my opinion. It needs a twist at the end. |
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Reply: 3 - 22 |
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Geezis |
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 8:03am |
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January Project Group There's always a single malt waiting for you.
LocationGlasgow, Scotland Posts411 Posts Per Day 0.27 |
An old joke, well worn so needed a new twist at the end, try ordering a genuine item that sounds dodgy - StopCock or similar. If the operator is new then he might not know what that is and end with a short discussion with the caller getting exasperated. Nicely written though. Well done. |
| If at first you don't succeed........bribe someone. |
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Reply: 4 - 22 |
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Rob |
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 8:07am |
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Posts218 Posts Per Day 0.11 |
The basic idea has merit. Ordering items via the phone can be a harrowing experience for both the merchant and the customer.
Is the customer ordering nonsense items to get back at the merchant for not having the tartan paint that was available just a few weeks earlier? Or it the tartan paint itself just a nonsense item? If that's the case, the caller is just a jerk. Not sure if that's enough to carry the script.
Remove the question mark in "I'm new and learning the ropes?"
The dialogue needs to be sharpened. It feels odd for the merchant to announce his newness in the way that he does.
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Reply: 5 - 22 |
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Gum |
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 10:57am |
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Been Around
LocationSome travelling Circus... Posts832 Posts Per Day 0.42 |
Hi writer,
This is humorous in its own way, the strange items that be. Tartan paint would be a hot commodity if it was sold by ‘Clans’ as opposed to colors, a ‘Clan Wheel’ if you will. Mind you, probably not a bad idea, they do have Oxford Blue you can buy, but I digress.
Rubber nails, lol… probably under the same SKU as rubber underwear. Quick, quirky read, and hits all the needed challenge parameters. |
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Reply: 6 - 22 |
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Claudio |
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 2:28pm |
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January Project Group
LocationLos Angeles Posts102 Posts Per Day 0.06 |
I missed the train on this one at first. Never heard of tartan before and thought it was a color lol... Turns out it's plaid. Regional difference?
I was expecting a bigger button on this one, like that the "new guy" would give the "old guy" "the business". Like maybe after he messes with him with the elbow grease and headlight fluid and what not, the old guy has a problem with his computer or smth.
The new guy tells him to delete system 32 or run a powerful magnet over his computer to stabilize it. lol...
Good stuff, hope this gets an update~ |
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Reply: 7 - 22 |
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irish eyes |
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 7:07pm |
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January Project Group There`s too much blood in my alcohol
LocationUpstate New York Posts1865 Posts Per Day 0.37 |
I'm in construction 22 years, heard these over and over and over.
There need to be some sort of story or turnaround...
It would work better if the new guy was able to provide everything or at least say he has everything in stock.
Not Bad
good job on entering |
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Reply: 8 - 22 |
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Warren |
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 10:31pm |
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Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.36 |
Hi writer,
Quoted Text Please hold on sir |
hold on, sir. Comma required when addressing someone directly in dialogue. This is a pretty old and done bit. Didn't really bring anything new to the table. Congrats on getting an entry in. All the best. |
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Reply: 9 - 22 |
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MarkRenshaw |
Posted: April 19th, 2021, 7:38am |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts2335 Posts Per Day 0.59 |
Reads like a sketch based on an old joke. I'm partial to the Two Ronnies 'Fork Handles' variation myself.
Meets the parameters, just not enough story or variation to float my particular boat.
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| For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK |
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Reply: 10 - 22 |
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khamanna |
Posted: April 19th, 2021, 7:55am |
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January Project Group
Posts4194 Posts Per Day 0.79 |
Oh ok.
Well it's well written.
It's very well written and meets the requirements.
That's about it. |
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Reply: 11 - 22 |
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LC |
Posted: April 19th, 2021, 8:17am |
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Administrator
LocationThe Great Southern Land Posts7582 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
I loved the Fork Handles sketch too. Tartan paint is funny, and you're onto something here, but this just didn't quite hit the mark for me. |
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Reply: 12 - 22 |
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Matthew Taylor |
Posted: April 19th, 2021, 10:37am |
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January Project Group
LocationShakespeare's county Posts1770 Posts Per Day 0.89 |
Hi Writer
If this is to be a new radio sketch then you need new material, all of these are well-known pranks, if you can find something fresh then it would be a nice sketch.
I've also seen a bucket of steam, a skirting board ladder and sparks for the grinder. In my youth I was sent to the stores to ask for a "long weight"... took me bloody ages to realize.
Anyway, best of luck with it. |
| Feature
42.2
Two steps to writing a good screenplay: 1) Write a bad one 2) Fix it |
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Reply: 13 - 22 |
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Gary in Houston |
Posted: April 19th, 2021, 1:09pm |
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January Project Group
LocationTexas Posts1306 Posts Per Day 0.32 |
So a good effort in meeting the parameters. I liked Mark's idea that he turns the prank back on the prankster. Maybe he fulfills all the non-existent orders and then sticks him with an outrageous bill.
I think this one has some merit and just needs a little dustup to make it work. Best of luck with it. Gary |
| Some of my scripts:
Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner The Gambler (short) - OWC winner Skip (short) - filmed Country Road 12 (short) - filmed The Family Man (short) - filmed The Journeyers (feature) - optioned
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Reply: 14 - 22 |
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MarkItZero |
Posted: April 19th, 2021, 4:12pm |
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Old Timer
Posts1007 Posts Per Day 0.35 |
To be honest, I had no clue what was going on here. But reading the comments, I think I get it now... sort of. People prank hardware stores by asking for fake items? Or send kids to stores with fake shopping lists as a joke? I'm hearing these things so they must be true. I guess I learned something.
I like Gary and Irish Eye's idea about having it turned around where he fulfills the whole list. |
| That rug really tied the room together. |
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Reply: 15 - 22 |
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ReneC |
Posted: April 19th, 2021, 6:06pm |
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Old Timer
LocationVancouver, BC Posts1435 Posts Per Day 0.31 |
It made me smile, so good job with the humour. I had hoped for a button on it, something to punch up the ending like it was his friends pranking him or a parent who called to wish him luck but couldn't resist pulling his leg, something to give it a story. Or if the final thing was something genuine but sounds like it's made up and he hangs up on the guy and then the supervisor comes over asking how he's doing and the kid learns it's a real thing...
It's a decent entry, it just needs something more. |
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Reply: 16 - 22 |
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Craig Macken |
Posted: April 19th, 2021, 6:21pm |
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New out of my depth
LocationLand of Oz Posts25 Posts Per Day 0.02 |
I actually don't mind the caller telling old jokes... it shows what a dick he is. The humor could then be in the newbie's (unknowingly) witty replies, eg the spirit level bubble: Would you like that bubble-wrapped? Or air-freighted?.
It just needs more of a story-line... and a more satisfying ending.
The concept itself is good and the script is well-written... definitely something you could work on and have some fun with.
All the best. |
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Reply: 17 - 22 |
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ghost and_ghostie gal |
Posted: April 19th, 2021, 6:21pm |
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Old Timer
LocationA helluva long way from LA Posts1565 Posts Per Day 0.29 |
Right of the top, I'll try not to reiterate other’s suggestions/observation. For me, the problem is that the idea isn't in any way new, a running joke in need of a new pair of sneakers. It's a short so you're allowed to have a tomato surprise ending, but it should be fresh tomato. If that makes sense. Good effort though. My thoughts may not jive with the writer or the peanut gallery. Feel free to stick more pins in the voodoo doll. -A |
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SAC |
Posted: April 20th, 2021, 5:08am |
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Of The Ancients … but some dreams do
LocationUpstate NY Posts3201 Posts Per Day 0.79 |
Writer,
Left handed screwdriver! Ha. You had a decent set up, but it turned out mostly to be a quick skit. Don’t know where else you could have taken this. As is, it’s cute but doesn’t pack much of a comedic punch.
Steve |
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Reply: 19 - 22 |
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Zack |
Posted: April 20th, 2021, 12:52pm |
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January Project Group
LocationErlanger, KY Posts4487 Posts Per Day 0.69 |
Simple prank call story. Short and sweet. Innocent humor. Well written. Meets the challenge. Great job. |
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Spqr |
Posted: April 21st, 2021, 12:14pm |
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Posts483 Posts Per Day 0.09 |
Michael is a total jerk, picking on the hapless new guy. Which is not a bad way to go if the new guy can manage to turn the tables on Michael. |
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jayrex |
Posted: April 26th, 2021, 3:24pm |
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Old Timer Cut to three weeks earlier
LocationLondon, UK Posts1420 Posts Per Day 0.22 |
Thanks everyone for the feedback. I worked for a store called B&Q, the brits will know it. So many kids, apprentices sent there for random requests. Always wanted to use it in a story.
I'm in construction 22 years, heard these over and over and over.
There need to be some sort of story or turnaround...
It would work better if the new guy was able to provide everything or at least say he has everything in stock.
Not Bad
good job on entering |
Great feedback Irish Eyes. It certainly will turn the tables. |
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