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Poor Bastard - 04C (currently 1188 views) |
Don |
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 11:49am |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16438 Posts Per Day 1.94 |
Poor Bastard by Ryker Piccard - Short, Thriller - The poor bastard is stuck on the other side. - pdf format
Writer interested in feedback on this work |
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------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
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JEStaats |
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 4:04pm |
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Old Timer No sh*t, there I was....
LocationTucson, AZ Posts1736 Posts Per Day 0.62 |
Poor bastard - perfect title. Very cool setting and conflict. Easily visualized for any Star Trek fan. I like that the guy in the cafeteria hadn't been assimilated and the Captain hears him getting torn apart. Nice touch.
No real complaints - good work, writer. |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 4:28pm |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4323 Posts Per Day 1.13 |
Decent SciFi, can't work out if we can see the Captain or not, so I'll give you the benefit of the doubt.
Liked the twist, didn't expect it, good job. |
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PKCardinal |
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 6:10pm |
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January Project Group
LocationKansas Posts1448 Posts Per Day 0.63 |
I thought this worked well. Nice turn at the end.
It turned a little comedic for me in the middle. "What if I just stick my head in?" So, that was just a bit of a tone shift that could be either expanded or cleaned up, depending on what feel you're going for.
Overall, good job. |
| PaulKWrites.com
60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature
Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror |
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MarkItZero |
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 9:26pm |
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Old Timer
Posts1007 Posts Per Day 0.34 |
Good title.
Neat idea. Alien monsters that take on human form never gets old and the comeuppance at the end made it different enough. I would have Rikard be a bit more furious and desperate at it goes along instead of resigned to his fate, but that's just me. Solid effort overall. |
| That rug really tied the room together. |
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jayrex |
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 4:04am |
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Old Timer Cut to three weeks earlier
LocationLondon, UK Posts1420 Posts Per Day 0.22 |
I like it. Another good entry.
I've no complaints. Nice and easy to read. Ticks all the sci-fi boxes.
Good job overall. |
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Geezis |
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 6:32am |
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January Project Group There's always a single malt waiting for you.
LocationGlasgow, Scotland Posts411 Posts Per Day 0.26 |
Nice morality tale. What goes around comes around. Might be a bit too visual for some but a good entry. Well done. |
| If at first you don't succeed........bribe someone. |
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Gum |
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 11:26am |
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Been Around
LocationSome travelling Circus... Posts832 Posts Per Day 0.41 |
Hi writer,
Yeah, if it’s that alien from John Carpenter’s ‘The Thing’, then I’d wanna be shot in the head too… poor bastard. The Captain receiving the same retribution as Rikard is a strange twist of fate, he probably didn’t see that coming.
Works well for the challenge, lots of sound effects, but way easier to create as an audio file than a visual. Well done, best of luck. |
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eldave1 |
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 1:28pm |
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January Project Group
LocationSouthern California Posts6874 Posts Per Day 1.93 |
I quite enjoyed this little morality tale in space. I thought the arc was perfect - a man condemning someone to death for the sake of duty soons suffers the same fate.
Writing was top-notch - Excellent work |
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irish eyes |
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 7:24pm |
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January Project Group There`s too much blood in my alcohol
LocationUpstate New York Posts1865 Posts Per Day 0.36 |
Not a bad little Sci-fi story.
Karma for the Captain.
The set up was great and the ending worked perfectly.
Great job on entering |
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Warren |
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 8:43pm |
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Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.35 |
Hi writer,
You aren't fading in and out of anything. It's a visual transition, here we have no visuals.
Decent script, the ending felt a bit rushed, what can you do, it's 4 pages.
Quality writing on display and a good setting for a much-used theme.
I didn't like the title, I think you can come up with something better IMO. It just doesn't fit with the tone on the script.
All the best. |
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MarkRenshaw |
Posted: April 19th, 2021, 5:08am |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts2335 Posts Per Day 0.58 |
Nice little sci-fi that fits the parameters.
I thought at the end it was going to be revealed that the Captain had been assimilated.
I think the dialogue needs a bit of work, but overall a very solid entry. |
| For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK |
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Matthew Taylor |
Posted: April 19th, 2021, 5:35am |
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January Project Group
LocationShakespeare's county Posts1770 Posts Per Day 0.88 |
Hi Writer
Yeah, I liked this. Good sci-fi space fare.
Not much to add other than we could have had a bit of a reaction from the Captain at the end, bring it full circle, have him plead "I have a wife and kids!"
A morality tale that isn't actually straight forward for me, Captain did the right thing logically by not letting him in and endangering the rest of the crew, morally? who knows. He decided to stay and be with his crewmate, and was paid back by also being abandoned - so not really a comeuppance sort of deal in my book - but a good moral tale.
Best of luck
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42.2
Two steps to writing a good screenplay: 1) Write a bad one 2) Fix it |
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Gary in Houston |
Posted: April 19th, 2021, 12:47pm |
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January Project Group
LocationTexas Posts1306 Posts Per Day 0.31 |
Interesting twist and turn there at the end. The writing was well done and the parameters of the challenge were met in my opinion. You kind of floated with it being a morality sci-fi drama and then sort of a comedic bit there in the middle. Probably don't want to straddle the fence here -- stick with one genre and run with it.
Overall a good effort. Best of luck with it. Gary |
| Some of my scripts:
Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner The Gambler (short) - OWC winner Skip (short) - filmed Country Road 12 (short) - filmed The Family Man (short) - filmed The Journeyers (feature) - optioned
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Craig Macken |
Posted: April 19th, 2021, 6:51pm |
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New out of my depth
LocationLand of Oz Posts25 Posts Per Day 0.02 |
Good job... Easy to understand, entertaining, well-paced, and with a satisfying end (to the Captain).
Touching on what others have said -- that it turned comedic in the middle -- well, I for one liked that. Because I read this as sci-fi comedy, not sci-fi horror.
And that line: 'in the heavens as it is heaven', was classic!
Cheers! |
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khamanna |
Posted: April 20th, 2021, 6:55am |
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January Project Group
Posts4195 Posts Per Day 0.79 |
I really enjoyed it. I just wish we went a bit deeper about them, learned these two in person.
But good story, all on the page, well told. |
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Zack |
Posted: April 20th, 2021, 12:35pm |
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January Project Group
LocationErlanger, KY Posts4500 Posts Per Day 0.69 |
I really liked this one. Creative and horrific. I do wish we would have gotten more of a reaction from the Captain at the end. Definitely meets the challenge. Writing is great, no complaints there. This is a good one. |
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Spqr |
Posted: April 21st, 2021, 12:03pm |
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Posts483 Posts Per Day 0.09 |
The action and dialog were good, but I think what’s missing is a stated reason for the existence of the thing in the space ship. Was it an experiment gone bad, or did it come from out “there?” |
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ghost and_ghostie gal |
Posted: April 21st, 2021, 4:24pm |
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Old Timer
LocationA helluva long way from LA Posts1566 Posts Per Day 0.29 |
Insert usual disclaimer here, not a pro, just an interested reader.
I'm a sucker for “space" movies —
I read this a couple of times to form an opinion. I thought that was very serviceable for a Sci-Fi, it works good as an audio here, you painted the picture well enough.
I’m known for not having a sense of humor, but the ending did elicit a chuckle.
All the best.
Ghost
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ReneC |
Posted: April 21st, 2021, 7:17pm |
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Old Timer
LocationVancouver, BC Posts1435 Posts Per Day 0.31 |
Neat idea, good job with the descriptions. The tone was a little wobbly. It could have been a dark comedy and flirted with that in the middle with the whole stick-my-head through bit, and that would have been great. As it is, the ending seemed to light and fluffy instead of grim. I still like it, the captain expects to be obeyed and that's turned on its head like a mirror being held up. Which is a missed opportunity, I felt, to echo the captain's own words about the entity mimicking speech.
Good entry, just not effective enough for me. |
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SAC |
Posted: April 21st, 2021, 9:34pm |
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Of The Ancients … but some dreams do
LocationUpstate NY Posts3208 Posts Per Day 0.78 |
Writer,
Kind of on the fence with this one. I liked it, but it didn't grab me tight. Actually, the truth is, there was another script in this challenge that had a similar premise -- same type of reveal -- that was just better, IMO. So, as this was a decent story, it gets a decent mark. Good work.
Steve |
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