SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 10:13am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    The April 2021 Challenge  ›  Thought Police - 04C
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 2 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Thought Police - 04C  (currently 661 views)
Don
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 11:50am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
Thought Police by George Orwell - Short, Comedy - Can the police arrest you for your thoughts? - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
khamanna
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 2:44pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
4194
Posts Per Day
0.79
A wonderful premise but truth be told I was expecting more from it. What if you add to it?


I don't know what to suggest for addition though. right now it's not a story for me, it's a very small sketch.
Maybe them quarelling more, even getting in a fight with addition of a few more funny lines.

But a good premise, and what I read was all good and fun. just want more I guess.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 21
AnthonyCawood
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 3:13pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
UK
Posts
4319
Posts Per Day
1.14
There's nothing in the execution of this that demonstrates that this is audio only, in fact it actually has an action line that says...

Officer McCann walks over to the vehicle.

Sorry, no furry dice for me.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 2 - 21
JEStaats
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 5:14pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


No sh*t, there I was....

Location
Tucson, AZ
Posts
1735
Posts Per Day
0.62
Oh, this had so much promise! The potential for debate between the officer and dispatch was lost for a discussion of inner monologue and expressed thought. And so many more pages to play with! Sad face. Hit the drawing board again and see what you come up with.

Great attempt, just needs more. Good work, writer.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 3 - 21
Geezis
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 5:22pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group


There's always a single malt waiting for you.

Location
Glasgow, Scotland
Posts
411
Posts Per Day
0.27
I heard this story in the form of a joke a few years ago. Still funny though.
Well done.


If at first you don't succeed........bribe someone.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 21
eldave1
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 6:22pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6874
Posts Per Day
1.95
Although the premise is good, I have heard a version of this before - so, it didn't quite land for me. i.e., I already knew the punchline.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 21
PKCardinal
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 8:51pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Kansas
Posts
1447
Posts Per Day
0.63
This is the second script in a row that I've read that feels like it's just a rewriting of a joke in script form. Unfortunately, I'm not a big fan.


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature
Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 21
Gum
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 11:12am Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
Some travelling Circus...
Posts
832
Posts Per Day
0.42
Hi writer,

An Orwellian-Dystopian message, nice. That’s redundant though… Orwellian-Dystopian. Like being compartmentalized to the ‘Department of Redundancy Department’. It immediately reminded me of the Dream Police by Cheap Trick…

The dream police, they live inside of my head
The dream police, they come to me in my bed
The dream police, they're coming to arrest me, oh no!

That song is about a paranoid man who is convinced that his dreams are being monitored, and it's driving him insane. No matter what he does, the "Dream Police" are always inside his head and waiting to arrest him.

But here, your antag has a paranoia of someone arresting him for his thoughts, which is funny, surreal, and dark at the same time, and has potential if fleshed out with more visuals and a backstory.

Imaginative entry for this challenge, just needs a bit more sauce thrown on it, like a page or two more, which you had. Still, its got that cog in the dystopian machine thing going on. Best of luck.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 7 - 21
MarkItZero
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 1:43pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1007
Posts Per Day
0.35
Well, I enjoyed it. I see in the comments it's based on a well known joke, not sure how to tweak cuz the setup and punchline were the best part for me. I guess you can play around with the officer and dispatch conversation, maybe add some onlookers to the scene that get involved? I dunno, felt more like a sketch but I still enjoyed it quite a bit.


That rug really tied the room together.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 8 - 21
irish eyes
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 7:39pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group


There`s too much blood in my alcohol

Location
Upstate New York
Posts
1865
Posts Per Day
0.37
I thought i was getting ready to read Sci fi or a Thriller but turned out to be aged joke.

The logline had be intrigued, sadly the script didn't.

Good job on entering


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 9 - 21
Zack
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 7:55pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Erlanger, KY
Posts
4487
Posts Per Day
0.69
Eh. Not much here, and was is here is kinda' sloppy. You met the challenge, so there's that. Solid concept, just needs a rewrite or two. Good effort.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 10 - 21
Warren
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 10:27pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

Location
Sydney, Australia
Posts
3897
Posts Per Day
1.36
Hi writer,

Yeah that's a nope from me.

This one really didn't land for me in any way, sorry.

All the best.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 11 - 21
MarkRenshaw
Posted: April 19th, 2021, 7:33am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
UK
Posts
2335
Posts Per Day
0.59
Meets the parameters and flowed well, just seemed like a sketch. Based on everything going on at the moment with the police, it seems highly unlikely that they contact their superiors to ask permission to arrest someone for being a dick, so it fell a bit flat for me.


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 12 - 21
Matthew Taylor
Posted: April 19th, 2021, 10:29am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Shakespeare's county
Posts
1770
Posts Per Day
0.89
Hello writer

I must be slow, people are saying it's a joke, not heard the joke before and I'm not sure what the joke is, to be honest.

Best of luck with it though.


Feature

42.2

Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it
Logged
Private Message Reply: 13 - 21
Claudio
Posted: April 19th, 2021, 3:31pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Los Angeles
Posts
102
Posts Per Day
0.06
I liked how this started, but I wanted that huge punchline.

I was hoping at the end, the police officer would say something like:
"Huh, so I can't arrest them. 10-4. Anyway, can you send EMS because I shot him in the face a couple times"

Good stuff, hope it gets another pass~


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 14 - 21
 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    The April 2021 Challenge  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006