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A wonderful premise but truth be told I was expecting more from it. What if you add to it?
I don't know what to suggest for addition though. right now it's not a story for me, it's a very small sketch. Maybe them quarelling more, even getting in a fight with addition of a few more funny lines.
But a good premise, and what I read was all good and fun. just want more I guess.
Oh, this had so much promise! The potential for debate between the officer and dispatch was lost for a discussion of inner monologue and expressed thought. And so many more pages to play with! Sad face. Hit the drawing board again and see what you come up with.
Great attempt, just needs more. Good work, writer.
This is the second script in a row that I've read that feels like it's just a rewriting of a joke in script form. Unfortunately, I'm not a big fan.
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An Orwellian-Dystopian message, nice. That’s redundant though… Orwellian-Dystopian. Like being compartmentalized to the ‘Department of Redundancy Department’. It immediately reminded me of the Dream Police by Cheap Trick…
The dream police, they live inside of my head The dream police, they come to me in my bed The dream police, they're coming to arrest me, oh no!
That song is about a paranoid man who is convinced that his dreams are being monitored, and it's driving him insane. No matter what he does, the "Dream Police" are always inside his head and waiting to arrest him.
But here, your antag has a paranoia of someone arresting him for his thoughts, which is funny, surreal, and dark at the same time, and has potential if fleshed out with more visuals and a backstory.
Imaginative entry for this challenge, just needs a bit more sauce thrown on it, like a page or two more, which you had. Still, its got that cog in the dystopian machine thing going on. Best of luck.
Well, I enjoyed it. I see in the comments it's based on a well known joke, not sure how to tweak cuz the setup and punchline were the best part for me. I guess you can play around with the officer and dispatch conversation, maybe add some onlookers to the scene that get involved? I dunno, felt more like a sketch but I still enjoyed it quite a bit.
Meets the parameters and flowed well, just seemed like a sketch. Based on everything going on at the moment with the police, it seems highly unlikely that they contact their superiors to ask permission to arrest someone for being a dick, so it fell a bit flat for me.
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I liked how this started, but I wanted that huge punchline.
I was hoping at the end, the police officer would say something like: "Huh, so I can't arrest them. 10-4. Anyway, can you send EMS because I shot him in the face a couple times"