The Specimen by Mark Renshaw (markrenshaw,) writing as Doctor NotSpock - Short, Sci Fi - A scientist working in a secret base has three minutes to escape its self-destruction while in labour and trying to avoid escaped monsterous specimens. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

There are visuals but they are minimal, the story unfolds in dialogue. The premise is good, it has character, the sounds are appropriate and effective. Some of the dialogue is a bit stiff, but did the job of setting up and paying off the ending. Nice job.

3rd one I've read that is visual/not purely audio... I blame Don for the unclear parameters

Story is a okay, though a little bit of a stretch in places, expand it a little and it may make more sense.

Interesting take on the parameters.

It's definitely sci-fi.  I like the idea of mixing the DNA part.

The contractions which seem so close together makes me think there's no way she can humanly walk.  She'll be wanting pain management.

Not bad overall.

The visuals were totally unnecessary and could be remedied by simple statements of setting and locations. Very Alien centered and had decent mental image potential because of that. A good sci-fi take on the challenge.

Good work, writer.

Man, this is a stretch parameter-wise.  And in some places it is in your face (e.g., Neon lights flicker on.).  

Anyway….

Story was okay – quite a lot to execute for a 4-pager (multiple rooms, explosions, animals, - etc).  I did like the core premise of the DNA transfer – but not quite sure the execution of the story was optimal.

Kudos on entering - I think this has a lot of potential as a visual script and without the hamstrings of the 4 page limit

An animal rights tale. Hard to fit into four pages but I think you managed it well.
Well done.

This was definitely a different concept, taking on animal rights by putting the doctor overseeing the experiments in danger and then treating her the way the animals are treated, so kudos on a clever ending to this.  I think the visual stuff can be addressed easily with audio cues instead.

I think it's a stretch to say she got from where she was to the basement in less than 3 minutes, but that's a minor nit.  Pretty good effort overall here.  Well done and good luck with it.

Gary

That's a cool story. The sci-fi elements are great, its got a ticking clock, twists, and a payoff.

I do think the dialogue needs work. A lot more disorientation and panic needed from Doctor Kinley as she's racing to survive while in labor. Nothing a good scrubbing on rewrite can't fix.

Solid effort.

Hi writer,

What are you fading into? It's not how we start scripts, just because, it's an actual transition that makes no sense here. No big deal, just pointing it out.

Halfway through page one and we already have visuals.

Quoted Text rises from a beeping bio-bed w

This is impossible to know without the visual.

Quoted Text . Doctor Kinley

We generally don't start a sentace with a period  

Quoted Text into a... INT. CORRIDOR

Again, this is hard without the visual.

Yeah this one is really stretching the friendship as far as the requirements go.

What are you fading out of? Again, this is an actual transition with a purpose.

I can see you had a lot of fun writing this one

This doesn't fit the bill for me though.

All the best.

Hi writer,

I think this would be pretty hard to convey exactly what you wrote versus the final product, if in audio that is, but you actually did a pretty descriptive analysis of what’s transpiring as if it could be conveyed as an audio file only, so… works well with the challenge.

The story itself is imaginative as well, a serious ‘Alien’ vibe to it, which will always be creepy to consider, that being; another sentient being using whatever womb it can find to ensure they never sever the blood line, even if they (Specimen) weren't the progenitors of her demise. Good job, best of luck.

Writer,

Too many visuals here, but I'm going to override that... Great story. Great tension. You have a lethal situation, clock is ticking, and to top it all off, she's pregnant. But... You gave us a fucking fantastic ending and a killer last line. Awesome!

Steve

A lot going on here - and I thought the purpose of this challenge was to write something for a 0 budget script. You went the opposite way and bent the rules. Well, we all do that from time to time.

I guess I would like to know what they were trying to achieve. And also I didn’t get why mixing their DNA’s with hers is fatal for her. Nonetheless it’s a cool story, different and there’s an urge here that made me want to continue reading

Hi Writer

Nice Sc-fi thriller with a cool twist and satisfying ending.

Mostly the action is described but in some places I would probably be a bit lost if it was audio only. A little work to make it truly audio-only is needed. If it was me I would have made the whole place pitch black and Daniel had to be her eyes to guide her out, then he has to explain everything we "see" in a natural way.

Good effort though

There have been quite a few sci-fi entries this time, which is excellent as I like sci-fi!

The story is told mainly through a conversation via a device as per the parameters. A few of the action blocks did contain things that seemed more visual, but you could easily tweak these as SFX blocks and focus on what the audience hears rather than describing the action.

Unlike some others, I'm not getting hung-up on what does or doesn't comply with the challenge rules.

This is a good story. Original, fast-paced, well-scripted. Good action descriptions, snappy dialogue.

My only beef is Daniel's lengthy dialogue, top of page 4. Perhaps it could be shortened, split into two, and/or tweaked a bit to sound less like exposition.

But overall, an excellent effort, especially given the time-frame. Good luck with it!

Well, this was different, and creepy.
With some social and ethical cautionary commentary as well.

I won't pile on re the obvious.
Nice job.

Logline's a mouthful. This one's kinda messy, with lots of typos and awkward dialog. Feels like a first draft. There's actually a pretty neat story here, but I think this one needs the visuals. Still, I didn't hate it. Wouldn't mind seeing a cleaned-up draft.

The sound effects were effective in telling us what was happening as Dr. Kinley made her way from the medical lab to the basement. I would have liked some idea as to what the “specimens” were, or what they looked like, as I think this would add to the horror of what Dr. Kinley was about to give birth to.

Just my thoughts, take it or leave it, for whatever you think it's worth.

The story itself is interesting, I don't know if you're planning this, but I kept getting an ALIEN vibe.

Like I stated previously, a huge fan of sci-Fi. Fast and flowing. I liked it. But do take a second pass and overall airbrush to the pages.

All the best with it.

Ghost

I like the three-minute countdown to destruction and the gelatinous resin. Cool.

I had a hard time with the immediate labor. One minute the main character is being awaken out of a deep sleep via alarms. Moments later, she declares that she is in labor. A sudden swing.

This feels like a version of Alien.

As some guessed, this was my homage to the Alien franchise while trying to avoid copyright infringement. I also tried to be clever and make it work both visually and as an audio drama, but that will teach me not to try anything fancy and keep it simple.

I'm grateful for all the comments, I know exactly what I need to do for the next draft.

- Mark

Good job, Mark. This one received my only 5 star vote. Loved this.

Thanks, Steve. I really appreciate that.