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Ol' Shit for Brains was right after all. by Shit for Brains - Short, Comedy - A not so clever guy stumbles across an opportunity to save the planet. - pdf format
That was quite a bit of silliness, I'll give you that much. Fairly rough in presentation with a lot spelling and grammar errors. Not sure what NB is supposed to mean. None the less, entertaining and complete. The description of his voice being similar to Goofy worked but the alien as Bugs didn't for me.
Sorry, this one didn't do too much for me. It is kind of funny overall but the laughs just weren't there for me. I kept wondering of the wasteland description of the farm was meant to convey a futuristic setting of perhaps another planet altogether.
First off - humorous title. This is overwritten by way of adverbs. That said, the visuals the writer was going for were clear and energetic.
The way Jessie treats his brother gives the reader a soft spot for Melvin’s character. The dialogue stands out in a good way, especially at the end when Jessie says we better push that button. There’s a good contrast between the slowness of Melvin’s speech and the fast pace of the alien. I think that contrast would translate well on film.
I thought the pliers were going to be pivotal to the story later on since Melvin valued them so much. The overall story didn’t grab me, but the writer created intriguing characters and I enjoyed how this dysfunctional family interacted with each other.
"We are considered, certainly on our planet, to be the most ingenious race in the entire cosmos." I got a good laugh out of this line. Could easily apply to humans, yes?
There were a few good laughs in here.
The pliers... I thought they were going to be important. Kind of disappointed that they weren't. It would be pretty easy to make them critical to activating the shield. I hope you consider rewriting for that purpose.
Obviously, budget isn't a concern.
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This story completely lost me. I couldn't make out what was happening through out the story. I got lost midway through the script and confused while trying to understand what was happening.
A bit too goofy (see what I did there?) for my tastes but a very creative interpretation of the challenge. The title gives away the ending so there is no surprise there.
You managed to fit a lot in 10-pages but I did find myself skimming and there are quite a few errors, but I just presume you were in a rush.
This may work better as an animated short and a full-on homage to the Chuck Jones era of cartoons.
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I really liked this script. There were plenty of successful nuggets. I loved that Melvin was talking to the pliers and that his expression was "forever goofy." It was funny when the alien added that it was "stoked that you speak English, by the way." I also appreciate the line: "That's it, he's dead." Overall, I admire the style and the wit. Yeah, there were some grammatical issues, but that's an easy fix.
Hey John! You been hiding under a rock? Bit of metal detecting humour there. NB comes from the Latin phrase “nota bene,” which means “mark well or note well this information.
Okay, reading on:
As is, the pliers were irrelevant. Make that find specifically lead Melvin to the big something else or there's quite a bit of wasted filler imh.
Btw, I wanted Bugs to be named as such. Voice gets a bit boring after a while especially for a character who has a lot of character. I really liked the immodesty of the character -
Yeah, I had to pick (a) voice. We're amazing imitators.
Had a few chuckles, characters were well defined, denouement was a little predictable but also satisfying as a way to vindicate poor misunderstood Melvin and put smartarse Jessie in his place.
I liked Jessie and "shit for brains" line. Although when you see something like that you expect Throw Momma from the train kind of comedy. And maybe you tried something in that sense.
Jessies interaction with Melvin was good overall, had a spark.
You could rewrite with that in mind and making characters a bit more multi-dimensional than they are.