Pay Dirt by Boomer - Short, Drama - A man discovered an unexploded bomb from World War II with his metal detector.  - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

A bit far fetched but who cares, right? One suggestion is to somehow work in the location of this story. He was confused to how and why the bomb was there but where was there? I thought at first in England but it's plausible, then NAU was mentioned but the opening description does not fit AZ. Anyway, A location would've kept me from getting derailed.

Good story.and good luck, writer!

Wow.  Could Suri do anything for a massive head injury?  The way they tell it, YES!  Just ask.  We find out, however, in this little insane yarn is, H*LL NO!  What whacky visual all the way through to a sad ending.  I did like it, though.  Whacky visual.  Way Whacky.  Can't stop saying that...

This was surprising. I enjoyed the absurdity of it. Never saw that result coming. Exists in a world of its own and makes its own rules. Quite admirable in that respect. Nice job.

Certainly, this has to be the most creative interpretation of 'hearing voices in your head.' It's only the third one I've read but I'll be surprised if anything is as creative in that aspect, so you get points from me for that alone.

Right now though, the idea is a little too on the absurd side. Some of the script reads like a spoof comedy and the rest is a serious drama. I'm all for mixing tone but it needs tweaking to work. Since when, for example, can phone assistants detect and advise that removing a phone from your brain will result in the release of brain fluid and certain death? Now if you'd set this in the future, as a sci-fi, that would make more sense. As it stands it pulled me out of a story which is already stretching my believability to the limit with him surviving a point-blank bomb explosion.

The phone getting instructions wrong was funny and then the chat with the daughter pulled at the heartstrings but it just ended with him dying and felt flat. It's like, what was the point of all that?

Excellent idea, just needs work in my opinion.

-Mark

Boomer... Great name for the screenwriter of this script.

I also found it whacky and a fun read. Yes it mixed drama and comedy. Not a problem for me. Now I know these short competitions and even short scripts are hard to cram in so much detail but I feel like your detail was somewhat thin. Example: the end conversation with the daughter should have been much more heart felt and instead just seemed rushed to the last breath fo th script. One more thing... the dialogue felt like it should have been spoken in his head, however you have him speaking outbid in an empty field.

I admire your creativity here. Overall, a wonderful and create job writing this one.

Interesting and often funny take on the challenge, especially around the voices in the head - never for a moment thought someone would manage to do it literally!

I think the script lost its way a little in the last few pages and sort of petered out, I think given what he went through and his daughter, well I was expecting and wanting a happier ending than that.

Decent effort

I loved this one . I often have problems with my phone telling me obscure stuff after I ask it a serious question so that made  me laugh to start with.

Someone mentioned that CHERI wouldn't know about the brain fluid thing but I dont think it matters as it's a mad idea anyway so I think anything goes.

It's a sad ending but I think it's the way to go on this one.

Well done whoever you are .

I have to give you massive kudos for the concept - A fantastically creative way of meeting the challenge criteria.

Your writing for the most part was very good, maybe a little wordy at times - but that's probably just a me thing.

Loved the way the Siri voice kept misinterpreting his commands - funny stuff.

I guess that's where it went a little strange for me, the swing between absurd comedy to the more heartfelt discussions with Tom and his daughter.

But at the end of day this was a very clever entry - well done, good luck!

I really liked this script!  It was comical, depressing, and the ending was sad.  So true how cell phones will hear something said, misinterpret what is being said and will blurt out something from a completely different topic.  I could vision this as I was reading it.  One thing did come to mind, where was this guy when this happened?  It isn't mentioned as to a known location.  

Great story!

Oh, man. Really want to really love this one. But, I'm not sure it knows what it is. If you had just called it a comedy/drama, I'd be all in.

It's definitely absurd, which I love. I know I wasn't supposed to, but I laughed hard when the phone wedged in his head. (Maybe I WAS supposed to.. I'm not sure.) Anyway, I'd love to see you lean all in on the absurdity, as the humor moments for me are the brightest spots.

Big points for most creative interpretation of "hears voices in his head." Never in a million years would I have thought of that...

Still, fun script. Loved it. Wanted to love it even more.

Huh, what a lovely premise - the phone sticks in his head causing trauma.

funny too - I mean the premise not the short itself. Could be filmed in the tone of The Lobster through and with good actors become a big deal perhaps.

as of now it's very entertaining but somewhat not enough. needs a bit more, some story behind that man having a detector or something perhaps.

That's a bit harsh KH , be nice. Be constructive not destructive.
Rome wasn't built in a day.



LC's edit: Removed All Caps.

I love that he had a literal voice in his head, lol. I can't imagine a phone today that could survive a trip through someone's skull, (unless it was a Nokia 3310) but the visual made me crack up. I don't know if a rusted nut would set off a bomb that didn't detonate when it was dropped from a plane, but that's just my logic and has no baring on the story itself.

I have to say this was a fun script to read and I can attest that boomers would rather die than put up  with technology.

the dialogue was funny and had this looney toons type of vibe, the writing was good and read very quickly.

I would've liked to see more of a struggle play out that made him essentially kill himself, the phone was only at 1% and help was on it's way. Him pulling the phone out at that point seemed like just a way to resolve the story, considering he was worried about leaving his daughter alone in the world. Maybe you could've had the phone going "critical" because the lithium battery was compromised and help wouldn't reach him on time. Just a thought.

All the best, and great job on entering.

At first, I thought this was going way of a comedy, but after rereading the log, it’s listed as a drama, so I could see why it felt sad as opposed to funny… but it’s still funny. This reminded me of that dude that took a crowbar through his face and out through his skull back in the day, and lived the rest of his life like that, many years apparently.

Anyway, yeah, an un-exploded bomb would be quite the find, especially if it’s not supposed to be there. But you mention Arizona… isn’t that where the military does all the bomb testing to begin with? And UFO’s, Nukes’, Time Travel…!? Holy crap, that would have been awesome if he found one of them ‘Flux Capacitors’ from Back to the Future! But then Doc Brown would have to be lurking about.

I never use that Siri thing, so not sure how accurate the jargon is, I did have a Land Rover back in the day that came with a preinstalled A.I. voice à la ‘James Bond; I think Jaguar simply has no access to an American A.I. accent.

Anyway, if you went off track via the automatic map direction, he used to say “up ahead, make a legal u-turn…” but it always sounded like he was saying “make an illegal u-turn…” and I’d always say in my best ‘Mum’ voice; “Oh, James… you’re incorrigible!”

Not a big fan of the ending, his brain leaking out all over the place. But the writing chops are there, and it was a fun entertaining read none-the-less. Best of luck.

Quoted from AtholForsyth That's a bit harsh KH , be nice. Be constructive not destructive. Rome wasn't built in a day. LC's edit: Removed All Caps.

Hmm interesting, your reaction I mean. I consider this one one of the better ones.
Oh and just encouraging the writer to take it further perhaps

PS I see where you are steming from and changed just one bit in my review - (nothing much)� to (not enough)

Whew! This turned very dark.

And yet the humour shines through.
Another one with some lovely visuals from start to finish.

Kinda feel like this line below is redundant:

Cold realization sets in. If he'd struck that bomb the right way with the shovel, he could've been killed.
Considering what happens next it's moot. Plus it's a tell for the reader, unless we see that shovel almost come down and then see Mel backing off.

I think with another draft this one cries out to go the comedy route. The 'Stupid Tech' inclusions are terrific fodder for laughs. The tone is just a bit discombobulating and I felt like you couldn't quite decide - comedy or hard-hitting (pun there) drama.
.
I enjoyed this a lot, despite the grim ending.
I want to see another draft!

P.S. I guess you already know the word in your Logline should be 'discovers'?

One of my VG’s actually. It got stuck in my head, I’ll never forget the image of the guy with a phone in his head