Hard Metal by George Gurjeff - Short, Drama, Black Comedy - A security guard at work has an accident which causes a nagging voice to take over. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

The logline can meet the requirements of the theme.  I enjoyed reading it especially when the security guard fell and he heard voices in his head that instructed him how to  deal with difficult people. However, this script had a problem with the ending. It was too abrupt. What a pity!  You could develop it to make it more attractive.

Michael

Monotonous jobs can do that to a fellow, that's for sure. I like that you took a different approach to metal detector too. My only recommendation is to have a transition on the last page after the supervisor dialogue. It seems strange the way it is.

Good work, writer!

I say this points out serious flaws in corporate security systems.  Lack of funding for proper bullet proof vests.  Shame, really...

Maybe they should invent falling out of window proof vests?

This one didn't work for me as I didn't buy the setup. It was obvious this was his deranged imagination. It's also the second script out of the four I've read so far where this is just the dying thoughts of the character. As I said in the previous script, that is just like, "And it was all a dream"  which is an overused trope.

The script has potential as an exploration of what could happen if we listened to that voice which always tries to cause trouble. I'd just work on the setup and consider a different ending.

Good use of "metal detectorist." Always fun when someone looks at the parameters in a completely different way.

This is the first one I've read, so, the twist at the end was interesting to me. I wonder if I'd say the same after reading all the scripts?

I definitely feel like you should smooth the transition somehow into the final sequence. As it sits, it's very abrupt, leading to just a bit of confusion.

I think a couple of extra pages at the end would give you more time to expand and explore a little bit further .

Plenty of potential , good job .

Haha, you had some fun with this one!

Did I enjoying reading it, Kinda.

Did I fully understand it, not really.

Not really sure what happened to the security guard, seems like he commit suicide?

Had some laughs though, nice one.

I got lost in this one.  The transition at the end from the man's dead thoughts to the people standing at the window where he supposedly jumped, isn't working for me.  It jumped right into them standing near the window, the dead body below, and their explanation as to how it happened.

I don't know.  May need to set the ending up a little better.  I get the story, but the set-up for the surprising finish was left to question.

Okay, I'll be the dick that points out that this doesn't meet the requirements... 6 page minimum and a 5 page script... I'll comment anyway

I think this is a newer writer so well done for getting an entry in.

But...

The dialogue doesn't ring true.
A bullet proof vest doesn't help if someone throws you through a window.
The voiceover doesn't feel real.

Then it just sort of spirals out of control.

Well, this sure was whacky and absurd. I just think you need more of it to be completely effective.

I also think the only way this can work is if it's animation of the non-PC type e.g. Family Guy.

First off, I want to know what this place is that requires high security. Knowing would also add to the story. HALLWAY where?

Watch your Orphans, especially in your first descriptive passage. I'm not a stickler but this could easily be edited so that lil' word is not hanging out on its own.

You need to intro your thug character as A THUG to begin with.

Okay, too short for me.
I think this could work, like I said, if you add to it. You need more characters imh, more absurdity, more comedic situations and more slapstick, so that it's completely out there.

Haha! Funny your little logic note to the audience in the final line.

Off the jump the security guard is missing a descriptor, normally an age is put in brackets beside the character, ex. (44) (40's). It helps the reader put a face to the character and also helps when casting.

I find using names are always better when introducing a character, especially if they're the protagonist that we as the audience will be following throughout the story. You want the audience to connect to the characters you're putting down on paper as much as possible, making likeable characters is your job as a writer and I think names are the start IMO.

The dialogue doesn't sound natural, this might be because you're a new writer? When writing it helps to say the dialogue out loud or even record them and play it back to see if it sounds like something someone would say, for example "please stand still, I'll have to wand you". It's not something you'd here in a normal setting. Most I've got is, "hand's out" as the security guard shows me how he'd like me to stand, using his own body as a guide.

a good rule of thumb is to try and take things that have happened to you in certain situations and think about how that interaction played out, or else it comes across as contrived.

And I'd suggest to read a lot of scripts, borrow what works and try and "copy" what you like, until you get your own style or voice.

The story can be bonkers and make no sense in any script, but as writers we want the characters to interact and say things that would be true to life or it pulls the reader out of the story and makes us scratch our heads.

but as for the story, I think with some tweaking you could have something here, but as it stands we're not treated to a story with much plot or resolution, there was no problem for the protagonist to overcome and in turn I felt nothing for the guard as he had really nothing to offer the audience.

But don't let my criticisms  deter you, we all have to start somewhere and I just want to let you know what you need to work on. I hope to see a second draft later on.

All the best and congrats on entering.

What I enjoyed most was the guard's willingness to go back to work after being thrown out of a window. That's the kind of worker that companies want, for sure.

An absurd script than needs another draft.

OK, right. I forgot that the main character had to pass out, or in this case… die. The ending tied it up with a sigh of relief, that being, the script finally made sense. Still, the dialog felt somewhat stiff, and sluggish to read IMO. Curious why he jumped out the window though… maybe cause his job and/or life is not what he anticipated it to be?

Still, for your life to suck that much ass, that you would jump out a window; I would have liked just an inkling as to what might have pushed him over the edge… we’ll never know. I do, however, like how you wandered from the typical (ground) metal detector and went with one of those little handheld things that seemingly give TSA agents and the like a feeling of omnipotence over everyone’s carry-on luggage.

The V.O. had some funny, perverse moments that made me chuckle, I was waiting for one of those x-ray machines to enter the picture that magically removes a persons clothes on the viewing screen, like in the movie ‘Airplane!’ (not yelling, there is in fact an exclamation mark in the movie title), anyway…best of luck!

some slapstick humor, hard to attempt, good on you for trying!

I would want to see the names but I get it that you might not need them in this kind of short. It's too slapstick even to name them.

Hows that he grabbed him by the lapels and threw him out the window? In one sentence. The window was open and maybe he grabbed him by the waist? But maybe it's totally Charlie Chaplin kind of thing...

Hmm, he fell and survived because of his bulletproof vest - but these vests are supposed to protect you from bulets not vests I'd guess.

Good on you for entering and providing entertainment!