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It was an easy read. I enjoyed it. I think there were one or 2 little errors that caused some very minor what's going on, but, overall, pretty solid. I would have preferred to understand the ending better.
I really like the premise, turning the elevator into a big ol' metaphore is brilliant usage of the topic imo.
Strong writing that's easy to read. Descriptions of Mason and the elevator made it very easy to picture the wall streetish-ness. The death scene felt very cinematic and I really enjoyed the smaller details of the story, too. The guns going off, lights stopping at his age/above it/the lack of a zero/the needle. Props for thinking the short through properly.
I had a few issues with the story.
- I didn't find the reasons for Mason to chose the floors he did, particularly 30, developed enough. I can see why he couldn't come to remember the other two events instantly in those years, but 30 is clearly a rough year and it doesn't make so much sense to be his first pick. If he really was being judged, wouldn't he be more likely to show the best years of his life to give a reason for him to stay alive? Some of that wall street manipulation.
- Mason's character turned a 360 in confidence -- and even adapted God's speech pattern during the confrontation that it just felt out of place.
I'm also 50/50 on the two ending lines. It's too in my face. I just don't think it needs to be spelled out so blatantly, minimizes the effect, for me at least.
Overall, I think the short is well written, well thought through and clever. A strong result for a week. On the other side, the last 3 pages brought the full short down for me and I also think you should look into the reasoning for him to press those buttons.
Good writing on this, everything looks tip-top on the page. It made the story very accessible.
The choice to use the speaker to communicate Mason's deeds was a good one. Most would probably want a visual display, but the speaker makes it creepier and puts the focus on Mason.
I thought Mason could be more fleshed out. The suit, watch, briefcase were nice touches (I liked poster boy Wall Street line), but maybe a couple relatable acts at the start would help the end pay off better.
- Very well written! That's 2 in a row smooth-as-fine-lager scripts I've read. I'm feeling optimistic about this challenge! - creative, clever, A Christmas Carol in an elevator - it's not common in OWC's for people to explore character, but the last two I've read are trying. This one makes a good effort at it and it's hard to do in a short.
suggestions to improve
- the soulless banker who drinks too much, beats his wife, causes innocent people to lose their fortune and commit suicide...it's a little over the top with the cliches. And I'm generally ok with cliches. Bu maybe you need to do that in a short story like this. - I like the idea of a trick test at the end...very twilight zone-ish. But I think the trick needs to be changed. Not sure what. - I'm not too keen on the Jesus talking stuff. I don't know why but I prefer it be an angel like It's a Wonderful Life, or even a ghost like Scrooge meets.
The Lord speaks to us in mysterious ways, or is it moved, or something. Never been my strong point.
I feel we will see a few scripts using the rising and falling nature of a lift as a metaphor, and why not. It suits.
What I liked was that it was clear. What slightly bothered me is that I felt I have read, seen ,this type of thing many times before. Ok, not in a lift, but you get the idea. What's the same but different element?
I liked the merciful ending, but as said I kind of guessed this it would be where it ended up. I suppose it didn't have to, it could have just been a judgement day matter, but the choosing three, in fact just allowing a choice did suggest this.
What to suggest. Difficult to say but perhaps the man could be more subtle rather than an obvious arsehole and perhaps he is given a challenge in order to change his fate. All we see so far is the bad past.
The Elevator Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
An ornate cab with cherry wood walls, a marble floor and brass hand rails.
Nice description. I really dig what you’re going for here, and this is a very thought provoking piece to me. Too many aspects to go into, but I get the gist of what you were going for, or at least, how I interpret it.
Mason, the ‘Freemason’, adept of Tubal Cain, is now presented a chance to smooth the rough ashlar of his existence to something more divine. He has a belief system in place, but it’s about to change, or go through some type of metamorphosis.
I want to say the offering of useless fiat, or purchasing of indulgence (his penitence) with paper is something the Roman Catholic Empire used to do; this is how the Reformation began in the first place and should only proceed here if there’s some other form of omnipotence involved, maybe this 'God' is just another egregore, or collective consciousness of evil that resides within this Wall Street tomb.
What omnipotent being would accept this as an offering, a false God, or prophet perhaps? I think Mason caught on to this; however… his savior did not (or perhaps did; now Mason is lost in the clutches of something less divine). Perhaps Mason should offer up something more tangible, like his silk shirt. By him removing this status quo, a symbol of his wealth, he would be in a better position to accept the Robe of Glory that is being offered to him. But if this God could not deliver, then Mason could turn his back on him, because in the end, what was given unto Mason might also be considered insignificant.
All opinion of course, and this delivered an eloquent and thought provoking interpretation of it.
This one is fine as far as it goes. I would prefer Mason to protest with his good deeds. He beat his wife but he gave her diamonds. He wasn't at the funeral but he sent flowers. He would be a man who would negotiate and bargain. And I'm not sold by his conversion at the end. He didn't really talk with god, it was just his brain running on reduced oxygen. Why would he change? Why would he suddenly believe in mercy? That's me. Sudden conversions always test me.