SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is April 25th, 2019, 3:53am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Scripts Studios are posting for award consideration
The scripts of the April/May OWC have been posted


The Beginners Guide to the SimplyScripts Discussion Board (WIP)

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May, 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  The Relevator - OWC
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2, 3, 4 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    The Relevator - OWC  (currently 3236 views)
Don
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 10:37am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
12904
Posts Per Day
1.94
The Relevator by 0 - Short, Drama - A wealthy man experiences death and life in an elevator. 11 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged
Site Private Message
DanC
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 12:16pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Killing villains since 1980!

Location
Buffalo NY
Posts
1250
Posts Per Day
0.84
Not bad.

It was an easy read.  I enjoyed it.  I think there were one or 2 little errors that caused some very minor what's going on, but, overall, pretty solid.  I would have preferred to understand the ending better.

7.5/10


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 52
Jeremiah Johnson
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 12:45pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while


Posts
344
Posts Per Day
0.14
I read it and I got it, even though the "eye of a needle" actually means something else.  Didn't really see any mistakes in the writing and it flowed pretty well.  Good job.  Or is it good JOB?  Ha.


My Scripts:
SHORTS
Bed Bugs
I Got The Shaft
No Clowning Around
Fool's Gold
Five Days for Redemption

TELEVISION
Father, Forgive Me
Sheriff of Nowhere
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 52
DS
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 1:01pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while


Posts
377
Posts Per Day
0.22
I really like the premise, turning the elevator into a big ol' metaphore is brilliant usage of the topic imo.

Strong writing that's easy to read. Descriptions of Mason and the elevator made it very easy to picture the wall streetish-ness. The death scene felt very cinematic and I really enjoyed the smaller details of the story, too. The guns going off, lights stopping at his age/above it/the lack of a zero/the needle. Props for thinking the short through properly.

I had a few issues with the story.

- I didn't find the reasons for Mason to chose the floors he did, particularly 30, developed enough. I can see why he couldn't come to remember the other two events instantly in those years, but 30 is clearly a rough year and it doesn't make so much sense to be his first pick. If he really was being judged, wouldn't he be more likely to show the best years of his life to give a reason for him to stay alive? Some of that wall street manipulation.

- Mason's character turned a 360 in confidence -- and even adapted God's speech pattern during the confrontation that it just felt out of place.

I'm also 50/50 on the two ending lines. It's too in my face. I just don't think it needs to be spelled out so blatantly, minimizes the effect, for me at least.

Overall, I think the short is well written, well thought through and clever. A strong result for a week. On the other side, the last 3 pages brought the full short down for me and I also think you should look into the reasoning for him to press those buttons.

Hope this helped, writer. Gl.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 3 - 52
khamanna
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 1:10pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
3058
Posts Per Day
0.87
I really liked this one. That's a very good job. You kept me interested throughout.

All of it is very good. It's an easy read with the beginning middle and end. Great ending by the way. And it reads very smoothly.

Couple of typoes - must instead of most and "the floor" instead of "floor" - you'll catch them yourself.

And it adheres to all the requirements. A very low budget too. Congrats to you on a great script!
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 52
Simon
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 1:55pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while


English, self taught comedy writer

Location
London
Posts
181
Posts Per Day
0.13
Ooh, get you with your positive comments. Fair enough, I liked it as well. Don't really know what else to say because of a lack of education.


Please visit and like/follow my Unsubscribe fan page https://www.facebook.com/The-Unsubscribe-Tribe-157356154842321/
.... or my Twitter page https://twitter.com/TheUnsubTribe (Ideally follow both).  I will return the favour. Also, check out the Unsubscribe trailer... :O :O :O https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9kDbJm1VhSI
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 52
DWLiu
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 4:18pm Report to Moderator
New-ish



Posts
19
Posts Per Day
0.01
Such a breath of fresh air. Great story telling, amazingly creative, emotional provoking. Considering it was done in a week, I give it 10 of 10.

David


Read my scripts:
"American Girl" - Drama --19 pages
"An Incident" - Drama --9 pages
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 6 - 52
Iancou
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 5:51pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while



Location
Southeastern United States
Posts
163
Posts Per Day
0.08
Read like a cross between Wall Street and Scrooged. I liked it. Other than the typos, not much really to say other than good one.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 52
oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 7:00pm Report to Moderator
Regular



Posts
850
Posts Per Day
0.34
Good writing on this, everything looks tip-top on the page. It made the story very accessible.

The choice to use the speaker to communicate Mason's deeds was a good one. Most would probably want a visual display, but the speaker makes it creepier and puts the focus on Mason.

I thought Mason could be more fleshed out. The suit, watch, briefcase were nice touches (I liked poster boy Wall Street line), but maybe a couple relatable acts at the start would help the end pay off better.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 8 - 52
JSimon
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 8:12pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while


Posts
105
Posts Per Day
0.07
What I liked:

- Very well written! That's 2 in a row smooth-as-fine-lager scripts I've read. I'm feeling optimistic about this challenge!
- creative, clever, A Christmas Carol in an elevator
- it's not common in OWC's for people to explore character, but the last two I've read are trying. This one makes a good effort at it and it's hard to do in a short.

suggestions to improve

- the soulless banker who drinks too much, beats his wife, causes innocent people to lose their fortune and commit suicide...it's a little over the top with the cliches. And I'm generally ok with cliches. Bu maybe you need to do that in a short story like this.
- I like the idea of a trick test at the end...very twilight zone-ish. But I think the trick needs to be changed. Not sure what.
- I'm not too keen on the Jesus talking stuff. I don't know why but I prefer it be an angel like It's a Wonderful Life, or even a ghost like Scrooge meets.

film potential:

Yes, especially in the Christian crowd.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 9 - 52
Brody
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 1:49pm Report to Moderator
New-ish



Posts
11
Posts Per Day
0.01
This story sparked my imagination.   Great job.  Entertaining from start to finish.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 10 - 52
AnthonyCawood
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 3:12pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
UK
Posts
2823
Posts Per Day
1.42
Good script that ready really well and definitely flowed well.

Loved the Scrooge type 3 visits, BUT... in this version Mason is chosing the years, why does he not just pick a year when he wasn't a little sh*t? Say when he was three

Twist worked well, but think it would work better if it ends slightly earlier... when the doors open to reveal the paramedics.

Cracking!

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 11 - 52
Reef Dreamer
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 8:16am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


where's my simply scripts thong?

Location
The Island of Jersey
Posts
2535
Posts Per Day
0.90
The Lord speaks to us in mysterious ways, or is it moved, or something. Never been my strong point.

I feel we will see a few scripts using the rising and falling nature of a lift as a metaphor, and why not. It suits.

What I liked was that it was clear. What slightly bothered me is that I felt I have read, seen ,this type of thing many times before. Ok, not in a lift, but you get the idea. What's the same but different element?

I liked the merciful ending, but as said I kind of guessed this it would be where it ended up. I suppose it didn't have to, it could have just been a judgement day matter, but the choosing three, in fact just allowing a choice did suggest this.

What to suggest. Difficult to say but perhaps the man could be more subtle rather than an obvious arsehole and perhaps he is given a challenge in order to change his fate. All we see so far is the bad past.

All the best


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Reef Dreamer  -  May 28th, 2015, 4:45am
Logged
Private Message Reply: 12 - 52
Gum
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 12:38pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while



Posts
384
Posts Per Day
2.03
Hi writer,

An ornate cab with cherry wood walls, a marble floor and brass hand rails.

Nice description. I really dig what you’re going for here, and this is a very thought provoking piece to me. Too many aspects to go into, but I get the gist of what you were going for, or at least, how I interpret it.

Mason, the ‘Freemason’, adept of Tubal Cain, is now presented a chance to smooth the rough ashlar of his existence to something more divine. He has a belief system in place, but it’s about to change, or go through some type of metamorphosis.

I want to say the offering of useless fiat, or purchasing of indulgence (his penitence) with paper is something the Roman Catholic Empire used to do; this is how the Reformation began in the first place and should only proceed here if there’s some other form of omnipotence involved, maybe this 'God' is just another egregore, or collective consciousness of evil that resides within this Wall Street tomb.

What omnipotent being would accept this as an offering, a false God, or prophet perhaps? I think Mason caught on to this; however… his savior did not (or perhaps did; now Mason is lost in the clutches of something less divine).  Perhaps Mason should offer up something more tangible, like his silk shirt. By him removing this status quo, a symbol of his wealth, he would be in a better position to accept the Robe of Glory that is being offered to him. But if this God could not deliver, then Mason could turn his back on him, because in the end, what was given unto Mason might also be considered insignificant.

All opinion of course, and this delivered an eloquent and thought provoking interpretation of it.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 13 - 52
RichardR
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 2:03pm Report to Moderator
Regular


Posts
929
Posts Per Day
0.57
This one is fine as far as it goes.  I would prefer Mason to protest with his good deeds.  He beat his wife but he gave her diamonds.  He wasn't at the funeral but he sent flowers.  He would be a man who would negotiate and bargain.  And I'm not sold by his conversion at the end.  He didn't really talk with god, it was just his brain  running on reduced oxygen.  Why would he change?  Why would he suddenly believe in mercy?  That's me.  Sudden conversions always test me.

Best
Richard
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 14 - 52
 Pages: 1, 2, 3, 4 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    May, 2015 One Week Challenge  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006