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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May, 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  Fabrini - OWC
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  Author    Fabrini - OWC  (currently 4069 views)
Don
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 12:30pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Fabrini by Henry Christner (stumpzian) writing as Ulysses Diello - Short, Drama - A hotel elevator operator in Washington, D.C., discovers an alignment of past and present. 7 pages - pdf, format


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Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  June 17th, 2015, 5:35pm
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 4:56pm Report to Moderator
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I don't normally go for dialogue heavy scripts,  but the dialogue in this is charming (as It's meant to be) and workd well.

Fabrini is set up well and well developed as a character. I did see where this was going, and it still worked... the only thing that's lacking for me is some element of conflict... it just kinda glides along, a little too gentle.

But I did like and the nostalgia played well.

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
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DS
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 5:19pm Report to Moderator
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Hi there, writer. My thoughts -- all completely subjective:

Hmm, I went into this one expecting sci-fi based on the logline. I managed to overlook the genre so where this was going was even more of a surprise to me. Very difficult to predict where it's heading and I think that's working for the script.

I felt that Fabrini's reminiscing of the past and how he held up conversations was well done and his character came through. I think the feel of the short came through remarkably in overall. The particular era nostalgia and the luxurious feel -- that's what I got from it at least.

Edit: I originally felt that this was a little too ambiguous about Fabrini and the woman's relationship, what happened, what is about to happen -- and the conclusiveness of the ending. Now I think that the ambiguous-ness is working and there are plenty of actual hints in the air and we're supposed to figure things out on our own and this is just a simple story about workers who have dedicated their lives to such hotels with the above mentioned nostalgia and luxury feeling. I guess I'll edit this post again if I do manage to figure out what my overall thoughts about this one are. :/ A lot to like here, though.

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DS  -  May 24th, 2015, 6:16pm
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 4:35am Report to Moderator
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I feel I've been wrapped in an old warm blanket. Then hugged some more...whilst drinking a hot chocolate.

Joking aside, that was a pleasant tale and not a bad basis. The memories of an old bellboy in a institution.

To make this fizz, you could have the bellboy retiring, no family - gave it all to the hotel  etc- and the implications being that the boy could be his.

Then, would be break some rules he has held so dear to try and find out, be involved etc tricky to pull of in just a lift, so after the challenge this may be one that could be kept to a hotel.

Anyway, those are a few thoughts.


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EWall433
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 10:21am Report to Moderator
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The writing here is very good. Characters, dialogue, all very good. It feels well put together and complete in every way… until the FADE OUT.

The situation between Fabrini and Miss Carlson is set up well, and I understand (I think) that Fabrini feels it would be unprofessional to reveal who he really is to her. However, I also sense that she already knows who he is. When he says he’ll show her the ballroom later, there seems to be something underneath that statement. An ‘I know you know’ kind of deal. I suppose I can easily imagine them sneaking off to relive that moment, but in a way, I’m annoyed to have to imagine it.

I related to this a bit like Before Sunrise, where I could just lean back and listen to the characters talk about anything. I was intrigued and wanted a better feel for who they are. What is this ‘professionalism’ that Fabrini adheres to, possibly to his own detriment? What is Miss Carlson’s story that she romanticizes this night even to this day? As is, this felt like two Acts of a three Act story, with everything else to be determined in the ballroom later.

I understand you might want to maintain some ambiguity rather then wrap it up in a neat bow, but I think the characters at least deserve a scene where all the pretenses come off and they’re allowed to discuss themselves openly. I also think you could have both of those things at the same time. The funny thing about people is, no matter how well you think you know who they are, you never really know what they’ll do.
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stevemiles
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 12:11pm Report to Moderator
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A bitterweet, inoffensive little tale.  Pity it didn’t find a way to draw more from the characters -- felt like it was over just as it began and the space was there to take it further.  An extra dimension or angle could have given a touch more depth, make us feel that moment they once shared and what it means to them now.  

Some nice interplay between characters and naturally sounding dialogue.  A good idea, just left me wanting.  One to revisit without the challenge restrictions.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


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eldave1
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 12:29pm Report to Moderator
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Well done for the most part. I could feel the nostalgia as I was reading and I thought the dialogue was spot on. The ending left me wanting a little bit. Just a little more development here would have been perfect - there were plenty of pages left (not that you need to fill them because they are there) .......

Okay - back - I just re-read it. Changed my mind. It's good just as it is. Sweet - nostalgic - romantic. Nice job.



My Scripts can all be seen here:

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Dustin
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 1:14pm Report to Moderator
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Excellent writing. Tender, subtle. Romance for old and young alike to appreciate. It took a while for this story to absorb too. I sat here for a good few minutes after reading and replayed it in my mind.

8 out of 10.


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DanC
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 3:50pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah, I thought it was good too.  

Only issue was no conflict.  It seemed to be a story to a larger idea.

And I wanted to know if that was his son.

I think it would have been nice if he took her there and she said she remembered him...

And to meet his son...

8.5/10

Would have been higher if you had a tiny bit of conflict.


Please read my scripts:
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I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

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Grandma Bear
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 12:13pm Report to Moderator
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Not sure why this one hasn't got any more reads. It's well written, easy fast read and a nice story too.
As far as the conflict goes that some seem to have issues with, I disagree. In a super short like this, you can get away with not having much conflict. It's just a nice reminisce story. If it was longer, absolutely you need some, but not necessarily here. Although, you could have the son being a bit of a jerk and thinking his mother is being silly about this and him rather doing something else instead of being the nice guy that takes her there. Maybe he doesn't like this because it wasn't his father she wants to remember in the ballroom?

Anyway, good work!

PS: One nitpick, the mother is 66, but she comes almost across as old Rose in Titanic. A really old woman. Nowadays, 66 ain't that old. Lol! 66 is like the new 25!  


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DanC
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 12:19pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Grandma Bear
Not sure why this one hasn't got any more reads. It's well written, easy fast read and a nice story too.
As far as the conflict goes that some seem to have issues with, I disagree. In a super short like this, you can get away with not having much conflict. It's just a nice reminisce story. If it was longer, absolutely you need some, but not necessarily here. Although, you could have the son being a bit of a jerk and thinking his mother is being silly about this and him rather doing something else instead of being the nice guy that takes her there. Maybe he doesn't like this because it wasn't his father she wants to remember in the ballroom?

Anyway, good work!

PS: One nitpick, the mother is 66, but she comes almost across as old Rose in Titanic. A really old woman. Nowadays, 66 ain't that old. Lol! 66 is like the new 25!  


I agree that she isn't that old.

When I meant conflict, I didn't mean like a bad guy or something big happening, but, a gun falling to the floor, a door that doesn't open, something.  Stormy weather.

Zombies invading outside.  Now, that'd be a twist no one would see coming

I just wanted to see something that would have worked.  Or, seriously, how about his own demons coming back knowing he MIGHT have a son?  Now, that's a realistic conflict that SHOULD be dealt with.  I mean, I'm assuming (I know, I know) that they ah, did the deed, and the kid might be his.  

At the very least, I just wanted to see some negative feeling, some tiny conflict to carry the interest.

And I also agree, this should have a lot more reads.  It was really good.


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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Jeremiah Johnson
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 1:16pm Report to Moderator
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Congrats on your entry.

I like how you started this in mid conversation.  Makes me want to know immediately what they are talking about.  Didn't really see any mistakes.  It's a slice of life tale, and I really liked it.  I'm assuming he was the one she's talking about, but maybe I'm wrong.  Maybe that's what you wanted us to think.  You left it open for interpretation.  I liked the dialogue and could get into the story.  Some won't like it because there really isn't anything to it, but I liked it because of that.  Maybe a quick flash to the dancing "back in the day" or something to add to the flavor. Other than that, liked it a lot.  Good luck with this.


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RichardR
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 3:09pm Report to Moderator
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This is a nice little story.  I think you might make it better by having him remember not just Ida Lupino but the other girl too.  One line about meeting Ida's twin ten years later seals the deal between these two.  And if she said she left a phone number and he says he never got it...well.  star-crossed lovers always make for a heart warming tale.

Best
Richard
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JSimon
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 8:11pm Report to Moderator
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A very subtle touch demonstrated by this writer. Sweet and sentimental. I think the low read number is possibly due to the title. But the writer has a deft sense of dialogue. There's no tension or conflict, so it's not likely to leave a long mark with the reader, but it's a testament to the sophisticated and tasteful hand of the writer.
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khamanna
Posted: May 27th, 2015, 11:59am Report to Moderator
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Overall it was good, I liked it a lot - a simple tale well told and made me feel... different feelings and pity Fabrini and his love.

But.. I have a but! The introduction - a man and woman in an elevator with Fabrini - the first introductory scene serves the only purpose - to let us know that Ida Lupino is hi favorite actress. Surely we get acquianted with Fabrini as well but I'm not sure if you need all 4 pages for that. So that's my reservation.

But overall it was up my alley, neat little tale, heartwarming and sweet. And it made sad... Nice job!
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