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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May, 2020 Challenge  ›  Infectious Personality - May OWC Moderators: Administrator
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  Author    Infectious Personality - May OWC  (currently 240 views)
Don
Posted: May 16th, 2020, 10:37am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Infectious Personality Disorder by Beth's free hand - Short, Drama - A global pandemic provides the perfect time for the perfect crime. 6 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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ajr
Posted: May 16th, 2020, 12:13pm Report to Moderator
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Hi writer,

So a classic double-cross in this - I'm always envious of writers that can conceive these, because they are often times not obvious to me, and I can't really think that far ahead in my own writing.

I do think whomever wrote this has some serious chops. This left me with a lot of questions though. I guess the first but not so important one is whose father is Jeb? More important is why does Chip seem to want him dead more than Beth? I think I remember Chip saying "we waited for the money long enough." It doesn't look as if Chip and Beth are suffering, and Jeb is 75 and on oxygen, so wouldn't nature take its course in pretty short order, you'd think?

The other question I have is does COVID really play a big role here? I know you allude to Chip and Beth accelerating their plan in order to take advantage of what seems to be really good cover. I think this script could have existed in a world without COVID though. For me, there's no guarantee the medical waste will house the virus, and then no guarantee that Jeb would touch something and then touch his face and / or breathe it in. I certainly could be wrong about that, though.

And if you lock a 75 year old in a room for 5 days without food or water, he's certainly going to die. And I don't know the answer to this - but do they do an autopsy or some other test to confirm that one dies of the virus, or are there just assumptions made? Since this is Chip's cover, it seems to be important.

I think this is something that would have been different and more fleshed-out if not for the page count. I did like like the twist though.

AJR


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
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_ghostwriters
Posted: May 16th, 2020, 4:06pm Report to Moderator
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I liked this, tho' I thought this was predictable, with the setup, dismissing the servants, a decent sense of growing uneasiness as it occurs to me that maybe  some sort of double-crossed was coming.  I just didnít figure it the way you did.  So yeah, you got me.  I felt something was off about Lawrence.

I just think this needs some more meat in it. Just one readers opinion. Take it as you will.

Ghost


"When I dive... I go deep, only to surface the hub when necessary."

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eldave1
Posted: May 16th, 2020, 4:11pm Report to Moderator
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Nicely done

A complete story that meets all of the parameters.

Liked the twist.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Bayne
Posted: May 16th, 2020, 7:10pm Report to Moderator
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This is very well written. Seamless, even. Prose and structure are solid. Great job on all fronts.

If you don't mind me sharing my internal conflict after reading this:
I absolutely hated Chip, Beth, and Lawrence. They're horrible people. However, their actions provoked a strong reaction in my disdain for them. Seeing Jeb slowly fade away as Chip had a beer was horrific. I felt I shouldn't like this story because of these characters, but when all is said and done, it made me FEEL things, and that's what I hope for when reading any story. You successfully crafted a dark, crime thriller. So again, job well done!
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LC
Posted: May 16th, 2020, 11:09pm Report to Moderator
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Great title.

Amusing line:

JEB
So now, I can count on you? Glad
you waited until the world was
coming to an end.


A touch of humour is good even in the grimmest story.

You are rather fond of the word opulent which to be fair you would have caught on another go around, but this being an OWC...

Chip closes the bedroom door. He removes two steel hooks from
his pocket. He screws one into the wall opposite the door and
one into the center of the door.
Chip places the steel chain between the two hooks making sure
it is taut enough to keep the door from opening


This seems rather elaborate. More attuned to a horror setup. It's your movie moment though, along with Hazmat guy - who effectively gave me chillss, so good job there.

The wee hours of the night? Sounds like a description a UK writer might use. Then again we have the spelling of center, so nope I'm likely barking up the wrong tree there.

Lots of varying Hallway Slugs that, correct me if I'm wrong, could do with some consistency.

A well written tale overall, Hazmat guy's appearance I did not see coming - the mark of a good storyteller.
Not really something I'd enjoy watching, because like another I read: Lockdown, it's a pretty nasty tale without a redeeming message.

Well executed.  
Just not my cup of tea.



Revision History (1 edits)
LC  -  May 23rd, 2020, 1:03am
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spesh2k
Posted: May 16th, 2020, 11:26pm Report to Moderator
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Sweet double cross at the end! This was very well written. Though five days is a long time for an old guy to go without food or water... unless he had a refrigerator in his room? Also, the way it was written (which was very well overall), I almost thought Chip was there outside the door for 5 days straight lol. Probably just me, I'm a little tired.

Good stuff!

-- Michael


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Check out my latest horror script, HONEY MUSTARD - https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-horror/m-1585433547/
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Gary Howell
Posted: May 17th, 2020, 10:22am Report to Moderator
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Another script with a twists and turns as people use the coronavirus to backstab one another!  Iím glad my children donít live with me!

Overall, pretty well written, although there was this head scratcher:

CHIP
Yeah. Itís not going to be pleasant and I donít want to take any chance on you changing your mind. Iíll text you when we agreed to.

Agreed toÖ what?  Not sure what that sentence means.

Iím not sure about the point of the security camera other than for Jeff to watch him die.  But maybe the irony of it is that Lawrenceís actions are going to get caught on it as well.  So nobody wins!  So maybe there was some thinking put behind that.  If so, good job.  

The dialogue overall was a little melodramatic for me, but still a good effort put forth here.  Best of luck.


My web site and scripts can be found here:

Gary's web site
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khamanna
Posted: May 17th, 2020, 10:36am Report to Moderator
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I didn't undersatnd if she loved her dad for real but overall it's a pretty good story. And well written too.
A little same all - two kids fighting for the wealth of their father, but again you've done it well.

And you played out the pandemic element well too.
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: May 18th, 2020, 6:31am Report to Moderator
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Unless someone has a mansion on the side of a cliff at hand overlooking the pacific ocean, this failed the criteria of the OWC on the first heading.

Apart from that nitpick, it was a good read with a good old fashioned double-cross which you showed us nicely without telling at the end. It was a good read.



For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: May 18th, 2020, 3:31pm Report to Moderator
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The idea of using covid to kill someone is a good idea...you know what I mean.

I just found this a bit too much.  Surely all they needed to do was rub covid infected kit around his room and the rest will follow.

Not sure the posh villa fits the cheap to film

Otherwise a Good concept, and with some tweaks could be sound, but I would simplify  it.

All the best


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Arundel
Posted: May 18th, 2020, 4:29pm Report to Moderator
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Were Beth and Chip brother and sister or husband and wife? I read it as husband and wife.

CHIP
You should go home now. Weíre set.

Confused me. I thought they all lived in the mansion together but I guess usually just Jeb does.

Chip places the steel chain between the two hooks making sure
it is taut enough to keep the door from opening.
INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE MASTER BEDROOM - DAY
Chip, with a beer in his hand...

How did Chip get out then? Five days later he's still in the hall drinking a beer?! I'm sure it's a different one.

Okay, enough of the nitpicking. Enjoyed reading and thought it was morbid fun. I was certain the hazmat figure at the end was going to be Beth.
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PKCardinal
Posted: May 18th, 2020, 6:04pm Report to Moderator
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I enjoyed this... save for one fatal flaw. They took the perfect crime and made it imperfect.

The perfect crime is making sure that Jeb gets the virus, then letting him die. No one could possibly be the wiser.

Instead, he drills holes in the wall and door, installs a chain (if it's on Jeb's side of the door, how does Chip get out? If it's on Chip's side of the door, how does it hold Jeb in?) and then basically starves his father to death.

That's leaving a crap ton of evidence that a crime was committed.

Still, the twist was nice, and I enjoyed it... even if it had me shaking my fist to the heavens.


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
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Rob
Posted: May 19th, 2020, 12:02pm Report to Moderator
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Very crafty and tightly written. There's a lot to admire. I suppose the virus could conceal any number of deaths, so it was clever to factor it in. Great work. I also liked the closing line. Perfect.

One quick thought: Wouldn't the virus remain in the house after Jeb died? If so, wouldn't Chip be wearing his own version of a hazmat suit at the end when assessing Jeb's dead body?

Also, the authorities would most certainly wonder why Jeb--dying of the virus--would shoot Chip. But the investigation is not part of the script, so that wouldn't matter, would it? Just thinking aloud here.  
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Spqr
Posted: May 19th, 2020, 12:38pm Report to Moderator
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Good story and characters. It works as written, but we've seen this plot before.

What if Chip's efforts to pass on the virus to Jeb by using medical waste was pointless, because Chip had the virus to start with and passed it on to Jeb the usual way? While celebrating, Lawrence and Beth cough and wipe away sweat, but think nothing of it, until health workers in hazmat suits arrive and haul them away.
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