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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May, 2020 Challenge  ›  Short Fuse - May OWC Moderators: Administrator
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LC
Posted: August 30th, 2020, 10:47pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, thanks for the bump, Robert. Glad you enjoyed it.
This one got me a long sought after SS mug, so I'm pretty proud of it.

... And, it was off the table... But is available for production once more!

Michael's review here:
https://www.simplyscripts.com/.....able-for-production/


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DustinBowcot
Posted: December 6th, 2020, 5:10am Report to Moderator
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Great writing in this so far. I have a suggestion here:

Code

TOBY
Bit down in the dumps, yeah.

JUDY
Feeling lonely?

TOBY
Bit, yeah.



Where Toby says 'Bit, yeah.' This could be replaced with a semi-reluctant agreeable shrug.

Code

JUDY
Lost your job, your connections?

TOBY
At a bit of a loose end, yeah.



Dropping his dialogue here too may work well. Perhaps replace with a stoic look?

Just suggestions. It all works.

Code

Toby’s eyes well with tears -

TOBY
I feel like I’ve lost my purpose - 



I think the above would work even better with his previous two bits of dialogue dropped.

Code

TOBY
Well, yeah...



The above may also work better with an action of some kind. Another shrug, perhaps.



Wow. Great work and I can see why this made the writer's choice. It's very funny, poignant, and insightful. Smart work, you should be proud.
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LC
Posted: December 13th, 2020, 1:58am Report to Moderator
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Thanks, Dustin!

Always good to get varying opinions and give them thought. And yep, your suggestions would work too.

Very glad you liked it.
And thanks for the bump.


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