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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    The May 2021 Challenge  ›  The Intruder - May
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  Author    The Intruder - May  (currently 553 views)
Don
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 5:40pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Intruder by Anonymous - A man is surprised to find an intruder in his house. But that isn't the end of the evening's surprises.  Short, Horror


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Zack
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 6:40pm Report to Moderator
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Writing itself is a bit messy and the dialog is pretty clunky, but I actually dig the story and the multiple twists. You even ended it with a sting in the tail. Just wish the writing was tighter.

Still, a real solid effort here.
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mmmarnie
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 6:41pm Report to Moderator
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This was different. Interesting take on the twist. Definitely unique.

The writing was a bit clunky though. Toby's dialog on page 1 was a bit awkward, IMO. Some descriptions could use some polishing. Like "shoots him in shock"...odd phrasing.  

Nice entry though. I do like how you handled the twist. Def didn't think that's how it would end!


boop
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spesh2k
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 6:46pm Report to Moderator
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I liked the twist and the reversal of roles with our protag and antag. But I wasn't a fan of the writing itself -- a little messy. And not a big fan of the dialogue. Felt like generic mob talk, something I'd hear in a Simpsons episode or something. BUT... again, I dug the twist, even though it leaves us with nobody to root for really. And the ending was punctuated nicely.

-- Michael


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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JEStaats
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 7:00pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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Nice unexpected twist and reveal. A bit hard to follow in places but I can tell the writer enjoyed writing this. Good horror notes. Meets the challenge, for sure.

Good work, writer.
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eldave1
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 7:06pm Report to Moderator
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I didn't understand this:


Quoted Text
The figure in the BG turns on a lamp.


Cool twist.

Not as crisp as it good be in the descriptive blocks.

The dialogue was pretty stereotypical - there was really a chance here to add a unique sinister voice.

Kudos for entering.



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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MarkD
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 7:20pm Report to Moderator
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Very nice. The cannibal reveal was well done.
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Spqr
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 7:52pm Report to Moderator
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So Vincent didn't notice Toby downstairs watching TV when he went upstairs to kill some dead people? And everything Toby does in the first page is to fake out Vincent? And Vincent conveniently dropped his knife by the side of the bed so that Toby could pick it up later, but Vincent is also carrying a gun just in case he loses the knife? And Toby has a hypodermic which may or may not have been used in the original killings of the wife and kids? And a bound and gagged Frankie spooks Vincent into shooting him?

A killer mistaking another killer for the would-be victim could be fun, but there are too many things in tis script that just don't hang together.
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Warren
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 8:29pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

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Hi writer,


Quoted Text
TOBY (CONT'D)
(screaming)
You motherfucker!


No real need for "screaming" we can tell by what is going on and the exclamation. It just wastes space on a 2 pager.

The dialogue needs a lot of work.

A decent enough tale but the writing could use some work.

All the best.


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Matthew Taylor
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 3:40am Report to Moderator
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Nice twisty turny tale.

The execution wasn't great, don't know what "BG" means or how someone who is tied up can reach for someone.

Having a cannibal and a vengeful mobster break into your house on the same night is very bad luck indeed lol


Feature

42.2

Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it
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Warren
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 3:42am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

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Quoted from Matthew Taylor
Nice twisty turny tale.

don't know what "BG" means


Background


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 3:49am Report to Moderator
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Had to read it twice to get it, I think partially due to the writing which was a bit clunky but I presume that is down to rushing.

Lots of twists and certainly meets the criteria, the sheer scale of coincidences involved for this to occur is just too much for me. You would think Vincent would know the difference between this guy's family (and his address) and some random victims he's just paralyzed, and that is just the beginning of the huge setup required for this to be pulled off.

But you did a LOT in 2 pages and well done for that!


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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Yuvraj
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 9:46am Report to Moderator
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A good tale with a decent twist but needs a rewrite.


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Geezis
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 12:15pm Report to Moderator
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There's always a single malt waiting for you.

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Nice twist at the end, confused me a little at first but reread it and I think I have a handle on it.
Well done.


If at first you don't succeed........bribe someone.
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bert
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 12:29pm Report to Moderator
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Buy the ticket, take the ride

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This one isn't for me.  It feels composed on the fly, with screeching twists and turns that are just too much for this piece.

I get what the author is going for, but (IMO) this type of horror demands a certain degree of subtlety to work, and that is difficult to capture in two pages.  


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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