The Intruder by Anonymous - A man is surprised to find an intruder in his house. But that isn't the end of the evening's surprises.  Short, Horror

Writing itself is a bit messy and the dialog is pretty clunky, but I actually dig the story and the multiple twists. You even ended it with a sting in the tail. Just wish the writing was tighter.

Still, a real solid effort here.

This was different. Interesting take on the twist. Definitely unique.

The writing was a bit clunky though. Toby's dialog on page 1 was a bit awkward, IMO. Some descriptions could use some polishing. Like "shoots him in shock"...odd phrasing.  

Nice entry though. I do like how you handled the twist. Def didn't think that's how it would end!

I liked the twist and the reversal of roles with our protag and antag. But I wasn't a fan of the writing itself -- a little messy. And not a big fan of the dialogue. Felt like generic mob talk, something I'd hear in a Simpsons episode or something. BUT... again, I dug the twist, even though it leaves us with nobody to root for really. And the ending was punctuated nicely.

-- Michael

Nice unexpected twist and reveal. A bit hard to follow in places but I can tell the writer enjoyed writing this. Good horror notes. Meets the challenge, for sure.

Good work, writer.

I didn't understand this:

Quoted Text The figure in the BG turns on a lamp.

Cool twist.

Not as crisp as it good be in the descriptive blocks.

The dialogue was pretty stereotypical - there was really a chance here to add a unique sinister voice.

Kudos for entering.

Very nice. The cannibal reveal was well done.

So Vincent didn't notice Toby downstairs watching TV when he went upstairs to kill some dead people? And everything Toby does in the first page is to fake out Vincent? And Vincent conveniently dropped his knife by the side of the bed so that Toby could pick it up later, but Vincent is also carrying a gun just in case he loses the knife? And Toby has a hypodermic which may or may not have been used in the original killings of the wife and kids? And a bound and gagged Frankie spooks Vincent into shooting him?

A killer mistaking another killer for the would-be victim could be fun, but there are too many things in tis script that just don't hang together.

Hi writer,

Quoted Text TOBY (CONT'D) (screaming) You motherfucker!

No real need for "screaming" we can tell by what is going on and the exclamation. It just wastes space on a 2 pager.

The dialogue needs a lot of work.

A decent enough tale but the writing could use some work.

All the best.

Nice twisty turny tale.

The execution wasn't great, don't know what "BG" means or how someone who is tied up can reach for someone.

Having a cannibal and a vengeful mobster break into your house on the same night is very bad luck indeed lol

Quoted from Matthew Taylor Nice twisty turny tale. don't know what "BG" means

Background

Had to read it twice to get it, I think partially due to the writing which was a bit clunky but I presume that is down to rushing.

Lots of twists and certainly meets the criteria, the sheer scale of coincidences involved for this to occur is just too much for me. You would think Vincent would know the difference between this guy's family (and his address) and some random victims he's just paralyzed, and that is just the beginning of the huge setup required for this to be pulled off.

But you did a LOT in 2 pages and well done for that!

A good tale with a decent twist but needs a rewrite.

Nice twist at the end, confused me a little at first but reread it and I think I have a handle on it.
Well done.

This one isn't for me.  It feels composed on the fly, with screeching twists and turns that are just too much for this piece.

I get what the author is going for, but (IMO) this type of horror demands a certain degree of subtlety to work, and that is difficult to capture in two pages.  

I think there needs to be some hint or clue as to how Vincent doesn't spot Toby at the start or vice versa...

But I did like the twists.

A twist with a twist.

Enjoyed this one and it seems the writer did too.

Mafia turned cannibal... nice

Good job

There's an vaguely interesting idea buried in the clunky and awkward action, but the only reason we'd feel anything is because we're supposed to feel bad for innocent women and children. The idea could probably be pulled off in two pages but I think it's too big an idea and suffered from the page restrictions.

Good effort.

Read this a couple of times but I’m still not on board with the logic of events or how Frankie ties into this (an unfortunate previous hitman?).  Not one to dwell on too deeply perhaps.  There’s a decent sting in the tail but it leans on the shock value and it’s all a bit too grim for my tastes. More my preference than anything else.

Okay, this was nice and gory and certainly was a twist, but I didn’t get it.  I’m not sure after reading twice who killed the family, and who the hell was Frankie?  It was definitely ambitious but a bit of a jumble in my opinion.

So, we have a guy, and his family that are (from what I gather) in the witness protection program, but when the jig is up and they’re coming for him (Vincent that is), Toby decides to take the pleasure out of the Mob’s revenge by killing his own family, and then making plans to go after everyone else?

Okay, got it. Few questions unanswered though, if the guys a cannibalistic psycho, why make a deal with the Feds and go into hiding to begin with? Why not just abandon his family that he gives two shits about and go after them from the get-go, save himself the headache of looking over his shoulder all those years. There’s potential here with the witness protection program family being found and chaos ensuing from there, but the whole Keyser Söze thing left me a little confused. Not bad by any means, just wondering if the cannibal thing is necessary to land the notion of how insane this dude (Toby) really is. Best of luck.

Of all the killer role reversal twists this is the only one I didn't see coming. Not sure it actually makes sense if you think about it too hard. But I did not see it coming, so gotta give you props for that.

Love the reveal. First script of the challenge I've read, and I think you nail the fundamental requiement with the twist.

Others have commented on the writing, and I do agree with that; I think the biggest issue was some of the dialogue felt jarring.

I sense it was a dark comedy, Fargo-esque vibe on dialogue, but that's a tough ask in such a short page count.

There is definitely something here, and with a rewrite and tighter grouping of tone and dialogue, it feels like something very filmmable.

A crazy little story there.  Had me thinking of that character from Usual Suspects that shot his wife and children as if he didn't care.

This was a bit of a confusing read for me. So Toby is faking the horror upon finding his dead wife so he can catch Vincent in the act? Only to reveal that he's keeping Frankie in the closet tied up... it was a bit hard to follow.

Especially these action lines:

He opens it, and tied and gagged, sits a wide eyed FRANKIE. He
frantically reaches for Vincent, who shoots him in shock.
Immediately afterwards, a needle plunges into Vincent’s neck.

Took me awhile to realize Frankie reaches for Vincent though he's tied up... and then gets shot dead by Vincent. Then Toby plunges a hypodermic needle into Vincent's neck.

Does Toby even have kids? haha or was that also an act?

Overall, the cannibalism was a left turn, needs a bit of clarity in the writing. Good effort, writer.

I wound up cutting out way too much of this to have it fit on two pages.

Essentially, it's Frankie's family in Witness Protection. Mob finds out where he is. Mob sends Vincent. But he unluckily chooses the same night a cannibalistic serial killer is in the process of murdering and eating them. He's tied up Frankie in the closet and paralyzed the wife and kids to have fun with. He's not scared or horrified upon finding the family dead, but disappointed that someone stole his fun.

Toby figures Vincent seeing Frankie in the closet would distract Vincent enough to give him the chance to paralyze him, then decides since Vincent stole his fun, he'd go have fun with Vincent's family.

The dialogue had to be to the point. Vincent could only have two lines at most, and I had to get across the mob sent him to kill Frankie's family and that he thought Frankie got plastic surgery ("Those Feds really did a number on you", I should've been more explicit) since he didn't recognize him.

I really appreciate all the comments. I only have myself to blame for cutting out lines and simply alluding to things far to vaguely. Thanks everyone!

Quoted from ReneC The idea could probably be pulled off in two pages but I think it's too big an idea and suffered from the page restrictions.

Nailed it.