Mr. Lamb by Bo Peep - A businessman searches for spirits in his Zoom meeting.  Short, Horror

I like the idea here. I think it could have read smoother though. Definitely worth working on cus it could be easily filmed. I liked it. Nice job, writer.

Hi writer,

There's a much bigger idea here that should be developed, but as a two pager it doesn't really pack much of a punch.

The writing was decent, no real issues there.

All the best.

Hmmm... I liked the idea, but for some reason, I had a hard time at parts picturing the imagery presented in the writing. For instance, Mr. Lamb tells him to creep up to the screen, but I couldn't figure out what he meant if he wanted Franklin to go under his desk. It took a while to see that it was a game of peekaboo somewhat. Also, I wasn't sure what you meant by Mr. Lamb swallowing him whole... like his head comes out of the screen? Or the screen sucks him in?

The twist was okay, I guess. But I dunno, the second he mentions something about the dead, it's safe to assume one of the characters is actually dead.

This was just okay for me. Good effort, though.

-- Michael

Hmmm... I liked the idea, but for some reason, I had a hard time at parts picturing the imagery presented in the writing. For instance, Mr. Lamb tells him to creep up to the screen, but I couldn't figure out what he meant if he wanted Franklin to go under his desk. It took a while to see that it was a game of peekaboo somewhat. Also, I wasn't sure what you meant by Mr. Lamb swallowing him whole... like his head comes out of the screen? Or the screen sucks him in?

The twist was okay, I guess. But I dunno, the second he mentions something about the dead, it's safe to assume one of the characters is actually dead.

This was just okay for me. Good effort, though.

-- Michael

Mr Lamb Written by Bo Peep - that tickled me more than it should

I liked this, didn't actually see the twist coming. Not sure how he is eating him from a screen though lol you mention earlier souls getting sucked into ethernet, so end on that.

Nice effort

I liked this, just wasn't a fan of the Ring style ending. I don't think he needed to come out of the screen and swallow him. The ghost could have just gone "BOO! Told ya it was full of dead fucks!" and then switched off.

When I was researching I found a lot of flash shorts where the person who seemed to be alive was actually a ghost but I liked how you added your own twist to the theme.

I knew it!  It's the ghosts of dead people slowing my internet!  I loved the twist at the end.  

- Don

Ah, yes… the Deus ex Machina. English is a strange language; says “ghosts” slowly out loud, it’s the only language that has a strange ‘snake’ like sound that we pronounce without being aware that we’re governed by a Reptilian brain stem… ‘tsssssss’. Where am I going with this? I do not know, or is it ‘Ghost in the Machine’, a streaming electrical ‘Light Snake’ that works its way through the grid, and it found Franklin, ready to swallow him, squirming, down whole, or is it down the hole? Weird story, bizarre twist of fate. Best of luck.

The twist was really good. But not sure how one can eat someone via a computer screen but then again its ghosts. Anything's possible.

I liked this. A great concept but I think the ending of being devoured by the monitor was too much and didn't quite fit. Also would require CG budget. Great idea, though - good work.

Meh.

The reveal about Mr. Lamb should be an on-screen chat that pops up, not a phone call.

There is most definitely a kernel of something good here, but this current execution does not capture it.

The general premise is a cool one. Ghosts in the machine.

The specific story and characters are a little non-descript - i.e., if it was a boyfriend zooming with girlfriend or something with a stronger connection between the two characters I think it would pop more.

This could be really effective if shot by a stylish director. It almost feels like it could be a J-horror segment. Very nice job!

Creepy good. I especially liked when Lamb is talking about souls getting sucked into the ethernet,  and how they're glitching things up. This would actually make a decent movie: a cyber security firm is hired to track down the foreign actors who've caused an internet meltdown, and instead uncover the disturbing truth.

Well written, good twist, just couldn't fully visualise it.
Well done.

Damn, this was good right up until the end. There just isn't anything menacing about a ghost opening its mouth to swallow you whole when it's on a screen, unless you show it coming through like The Ring. Then it's scary as hell.

This would be awesome to film, but I'd change the ending to Mr. Lamb being right behind him or something, and he doesn't know because he's nose to monitor, or giving up and turning and dead Lamb is right there lunging for him. That would be a jump scare all right.

Still, really well done.

Writing’s good. Decent concept - Zoom meet with someone who turns out to be have been dead.  Darkly amusing as Franklin turns out the lights to check the screens.  Not sure I quite got the last line about trying to swallow Franklin - I’m just seeing a guy mouth the laptop camera.  Seems a little vague on the dead angle - dead people/souls lingering in the ethernet or ghouls with a taste for flesh?  A little bit of work this could be a fun idea.

Nice idea here, but think the execution needs a little work.

Good effort.

It was good up until the ending.

Not too sure how he could eat him through the screen??

But besides that I liked it. It's a change of pace from the last few I read.
Now my laptop is starting to slow down hmmmm

A fun little read. Different and unexpected.  I liked it.  Good job.

Solid story and twist. I love the idea of spirits causing glitches in the system so much it could be a whole story built around that. Maybe a futuristic thing. Anyways, that was a fun short.

Good one.

I very much enjoyed this.

Love the idea of lost souls slowing down the internet. Finally, someone to blame besides my cable company.

I liked this a lot.

I haven't read the comments yet, but I imagine that some folks see the ending as a little cheesy. I thought it worked, and I think this can be filmed spectacularly well. With the right pacing and visuals, it could be pretty effective.

Great stuff, one of my favorites~

Writer,

Good tension and build up, good reveal. Ready to swallow him up at the end? wasn't sure about that one, but this kept me intrigued. Good job here.

Steve